I've read many many fanfiction where the characters go through a period of self-reflection. A good, long period of angsty self-reflection.
Mainly because their sense of identity was disturbed, or they have to rethink the meaning of their life, or even because they felt unsure of something, and somehow that managed to affect their confidence and self-esteem and they turn into a wreck who basically can't do much and needs a lot - a lot - of comforting. And maybe some gay make-up sex. But that's not the point.
The point is that I can't relate.
Now, it's not that I'm criticizing them for being all weepy and indecisive. I know there are plenty of real people in the world who turn into a pile of tears when traumatic and life-changing things happen. TV shows have plenty of characters like that. I personally know a few people who dissolve (and I really mean dissolve) when stuff happens.
They're completely entitled to do that. They can break down and cry and whatever. It's totally within their rights, and I think it's logical and understandable.
The problem here, as I've said before, is that I can't relate. I simply can't.
Let me give you an example. Millions of teenagers online would be hurt if someone sent them hate mail. Very vicious hate mail. Asking them to die. Or something. Anyway, they'll be hurt and they'll be sad. A large percentage of them would probably be depressed.
If the hate mail continued, some of the teenagers would probably sink into depression and consider suicide. They lose their sense of identity (or something, I'm not sure about that) and, well... something about who am I, why was I born, what is my purpose in life, maybe I should just die.
Okay. Their response would be something involving that.
My response would be a cutting reply going along the lines of every single word you just wrote is wrong and you are wrong and I am right and I love myself. I've actually done this before, several times. I find it fun to compose replies to hate mail. I enjoy getting hate mail.
I think my response says a lot about me. Either I'm an attention whore (which might not be that far off the mark, but it sounds bad) or I'm really well-adjusted and comfortable in my own skin and confident and ... you get it.
I don't do soul-searching. I mean, yes, I do that occasionally, but it's not an in-depth kind of thing. When I'm facing a moral dilemma (rarely; I usually just go along with whatever gets me what I want) I'll do a little soul-searching, but it's not deep or inspiring or weepy or anything.
It's not that I'm too stupid to do that, or that I'm too well-adjusted to need to do that. It's just that I mainly don't care.
I mean every bit of those two words.
I'm fine with who I am. I am, frankly, not interested in being a better, more enlightened, and spiritually whatever person. I know what I want - that is to say, superficial things like beauty and money and intelligence, and maybe some emotional things like happiness. Like, happiness. Basically, I want to be happy.
Wow, okay, I think I've realised that I'm a very self-absorbed person. Selfish. Definitely. Anyway.
I feel perfectly fine with screwing other people over for what I want (if the "screwing over" part doesn't mess with other people's idea of me and thus affect my future choices and/or opportunities... I think too much for my age.) So - not interested in becoming a better person for the good of mankind.
Honestly, while everyone's talking about global warming and saving the earth for future generations, my brain's going as long as I don't suffer, I don't care about future generations.
Maybe another bit of my brain's going it'll be rather interesting if the earth became a barren wasteland during my life, though.
... And I think I'm past the point of Weird and straight into Disregard for Personal Well-being.
BACK TO THE TOPIC.
I don't think about the future, or morals, or difficult choices, because I trust myself enough to know that I'll make the choice when the time comes. No, I am not being mushy and emotional. It's a fact - I know that I'll be able to deal with stuff, somehow, so I'm not going to worry too much, and anyway, it's too much work.
It's kind of good and not good at the same time. For one, I'm not going to have a long angsty period of self-reflection, which would make life easier for everyone because they won't have to deal with a weepy mess of Helen. But on the other hand, I'm not going to mature very much. (Moot point, though, I believe I'm already very mentally mature, I'm just lacking the experience.)
So, anyway. The whole post came about because I was reading a fanfiction and I was rolling my eyes at how the characters are killing themselves emotionally because they're not really sure of their identity and/or what to do with themselves.
(I had a mental picture of Lelouch staring into my soul, then snorting and saying, "You're really very... self-centred, aren't you?")
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