on my mother, the sorurce of many of my troubles

would you rather be angry or accompplish what you set out to do? or, would you rather satisfy your ego or satisfy your goals?

i don't understand my mother. she takes tremendous issue with things i do that have no impact on her at all. she goes on and on about how i don't shower immediately after i get home. when she gets mad she screams at me about that even though like, what does that have to do with her? is it really that bad?

lately she's been going absolutely crazy about how i sleep late and wake up around noon. like ballistic. she screams at me through the door, makes me brother kick it, and nags at me all day long. she's been a total bitch and refusing to talk to me properly for like a week, just because my sleep pattern isn"t the same as hers. like, what gives? what's it to her what time i sleep?

so this morning she went batshit crazy about it. yesterday i agreed to go to some exhibition with her. she asked me how to get there. the instructions were literally on the website where she got the tickets (under a tab called "how to get there"). i asked her when we were going. she said one in the afternoon, maybe two.

this morning she goes batshit insane. screams at me through the door, the whole deal, everything. i wake up groggily and it's like twelve. what? it's not like i'm late, so why was she being such a bitch? i lie down for a bit more and she goes even more crazy. threatens to beat my ass, you know, the normal asian mom things. this goes on until i finally get up around 1:30pm. 

and THEN she says "we were supposed to go out! at 10am!" what the fuck? bitch, if you don't tell me any of your plans, then you'd better not fucking expect me to be ready for any of them. besides, since she hadn't mentioned it for the over an hour that she's been yelling at me, i thought that it wasn't a huge problem, that maybe she decided to postpone it a little or something.

anyway, she starts going on, yelling at me about all sorts of stuff from the past that she holds against me, like how because my PSLE results were short two points so i couldn't go to the number one elite school, like how i was going to get shitty A level results, then she picks up my basket of face cream/candles/glass miscellaneous things and throws the whole thing at my face.

everything broke and now i have glass shards all over my bed. it's embarrassing. i'm not even going to post a picture. it's so embarrassing that a forty year old woman would do this kind of thing. 

then she threatens to basically kick me out and renounce me as her daughter, then leaves for the exhibition with my brother. like why wake me up and make such a fuss if you're going to go without me? 

anyway, i'm going to get to the root of the whole problem: why does my mother insist on satisfying her anger and ego instead of dealing with issues? 

like she tries to wake me up and i don't hear her, then afterwards when i'm awake, she self-righteously tells me how many times she tried to wake me up. like, so what? you didn't manage to accomplish your goal, which was to get me to wake up ?? then she asks me whose fault it was that i didn't hear her. trying to imply that i was wrong for not hearing things while asleep? bitch as if you can hear things when you're asleep. 

the point is, she chronically chooses feeling good, right, and superior OVER doing things that she set out to do. in fact she chooses her ego over my wellbeing... while using the pretext of being concerned about my wellbeing. 

plus you can see that all she cares about is me getting into elite schools. if she really cared about my grades, she'd yell about my grades way before this. what does screaming at me about me being certain to fail accomplish? why yell at me when it's too late for me to do anything about it? what does it do besides feed your ego and make you feel superior?

i don't understand her. not even a little bit. i don't understand how she can be such a bitch to her own daughter. i don't understand how she can obsess over trivial things for years and years. i don't understand how a grown woman can hurl dangerous objects at people and still find grounds to lecture the other person. 

i don't understand why my mother can't see what she's doing. all she really cares about is being the one with authority. she's not accomplishing anything that she wants to do. she chooses her ego over almost exclusively everything else.

that's part of why i don't trust her to do anything. i don't trust her to get the groceries i want. i don't trust her to drive the car. when she wants to do something, i always, always insist on knowing exactly what she wants to do in case she fucks it up. and she fucks a lot of things up. my father's basically given up because she's like that and won't change, and she takes offense to anyone saying that she's less than what she thinks she is. my father's taking to letting her do whatever she wants and then cleaning up afterwards.

it's so stupid. it's so crazily stupid that i almost don't have any words. the whole situation with my mother is getting out of hand. plus i still don't understand anything about that woman. it all comes down to why the fuck would anyone do anything that didn't forward their goals? why would you do useless things? 

if you tell me "that's her way of showing love" then i'm going to throw it right back at you. it's a shitty fucking way of showing anything. it's probably even abusive. i shouldn't have to deal with her physical and emotional crap because she's my mother and "she loves me".

even when i insult someone, i make sure to insult them on things that are true, and not on speculative things. i always make sure to point out exactly where they're wrong in the hopes that they see it too. i always, always make sure to include something that i hope can make them a better person. i try so hard to do all this because i want my insults to be justified, and i want my insults to do something - i.e. getting them to see how wrong they are, and changing their dickish behaviour.

i try so hard to do all that partly because i absolutely hate people who do things with no purpose, and then can't handle the consequences, and then complain about it as if it's anything other than their own damn fault. in other words, i hate people like my mother and i try so very hard all the time to avoid becoming like her. i try really really hard. when people say "you're like your mother", it's a sign that i'm doing something wrong. 

i'm not saying my mother is a bad person. i'm saying that she's selfish and doesn't think. i'm saying that i don't like anything about her, that she turns my stomach. 

i'm saying that i'm upset that her dumbass behaviour still makes me upset. i'm saying that even though i know exactly why she's wrong, i can't help feeling small, and i can't help crying. i'm upset that i still let her antics get to me. i'm saying that i shouldn't expect motherly things from her after so long, but i still do.

... she makes me miserable. i just want to move out and pack her away in a corner of my mind.

edit:

well, even if i say all this, my relationship with my mother is probably the best among all my friends? i mean, she has her phases. sometimes she's ok. i mean, i still think she's dumb and does dumb things but it's not at a level where i'm seriously angry about it? i'm just like... ugh, meh.

generally i just think my family members are too independent to spend more than an hour with each other. we'll just end up irritating each other if we spend prolonged periods of time together. prolonged like... an hour.

i guess i don't treat my mother like a mother lol.

but when your friends' mothers are overbearing, absent, or favours the male kid, you kind of start appreciating your dumb mom who lacks common sense.