31 January 2013
.
I was under the impression that we go to school to get an education. Instead all I learned was how to pacify teachers however you can, because that's how it works. You bribe people to get something in order to get something else that you need. Thanks for the life lessons. I can't say I've learned much from school, but at least I've learned how to beg.
Re: homesickness
When I was younger, I used to feel homesick. The last instance of homesickness I remember was during my thirteenth or fourteenth year.
When I felt homesick, I'd usually have an intense longing to be with my parents. I'd hug my mother and snuggle into bed beside her. I'd make her hug me (she wasn't very keen on hugs).
Sometimes I'd even feel homesick at home, so maybe it was just me missing my parents.
Anyway, I stopped feeling homesick some time ago. I stopped wanting that security blanket a long time ago. (I'm sixteen, bear with me. Fourteen was a long time ago.) I gather that my parents' presence was something along the lines of "you can stop worrying, we're here for you". But some time during 2011, it disappeared.
I didn't feel homesick. I didn't want my parents around. Instead I felt intensely, abjectly lonely, and thought that there'd never be anyone who would understand me as well as I would like them to... And if there was someone like that, I'd be completely creeped out. And that exacerbated the loneliness, really.
I didn't really think my my house as "home", not really. It was a place. I lived there, my parents lived there. There's a kitchen, three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a living room. I slept in my room.
That's it. I didn't think about the house in a sentimental way at all. It was all very pragmatic. I wasn't at all like those romantic heroines in old books, swooning and sighing over the meaning of "home" and whatnot. I just didn't care.
Slowly, that apathy extended to my parents. They gave birth to me, took care of me, gave me money and fed me. I was fond of them. I would be terribly upset if they died. Though I'd definitely move on fast enough. No point in mourning someone who can't appreciate it. What would be inconvenient was how I'd deal with being an orphan. Money? Parents? Where would I stay?
And then that apathy crept into my general life philosophy, not that it's a real philosophy. It's subject to changes, quite often. Anyway, I wasn't really prone to feeling deep emotions. For anyone, really. I alternated between being irritated by life, and being fond of the adorable friends I have. Compared to anger and love, that's pretty mild. I guess it's because I didn't want to hurt my feelings if we parted ways.
Yeah. I'm mostly concerned about myself.
I think nihilism comes close to describing my philosophy. Life was kind of... plain, sometimes, and if it had been easy to die, I think I would have done it. But it wasn't easy so I sort of drifted along.
I'm not even sure why I stopped feeling much (though I'm prone to bouts of melancholy, like crying over fanfiction and movies and sometimes just because I felt like crying) but looking back I think it was because of my parents.
I didn't see them that much every day, and their involvement in my life steadily decreased. I simply stopped needing them around. You know how babies need to be held up at first? But slowly they start standing by themselves. I think that's what happened with me.
In fact, we grew so distant that a year or two later, when they began involving themselves with my life again, I became irritated and resented their intrusion.
Let's have a break. I have to tell you about two very annoying habits that my parents have.
My mother criticizes everything I like. Just last night, when I told her "she sings well" (referring to Hyorin, a Korean idol) my mother started talking about how idols were only useful when they're young, how a pretty song can't fill your stomach, and all sorts of sour, bitter things. And then when I got angry, she had the gall to say that she hadn't said any unpleasant things.
My father likes to laugh sarcastically when he talks about serious things with me. When my teachers call him, or when we talk about schoolwork, sometimes he'll furrow his eyebrows in reply to me, and then he'll give this half-sigh half-laugh, like he thinks I'm really stupid and I'm so stupid that he doesn't even have the words for it.
Those two habits make me unhappy. More than that, they make me angry. I get really really angry. Those two habits of theirs never fail to make me angry. I suppose, consciously, I think things like "why can't you just appreciate things" and "can you just fucking tell me what it is".
But subconsciously I think I'm angry because those actions undermine my self-confidence and self-worth. I don't like talking to them because talking to them make me feels like a piece of shit stuck onto a pig's butt. In two seconds I am downgraded from a human to a piece of manure. No one endures that kind of stuff willingly.
And so I guess that's why I became really distant from my parents. They still make me feel like shit, so lately when they try to speak to me, I can't wait for it to be over. A minute spent speaking to them is a minute wasted, and ten other minutes wasted on calming myself down.
Yes, so I resented their intrusion (we're back to the main point, now).
Talking to them is tense and unpleasant, and more often than not ends in me huddling in a corner with a book or some sort of technology connected to the internet, just to avoid talking to them. Sometimes when I'm stressed with school, it ends with me sulking in my room and sometimes crying a few tears, and then a few more tears because godammit tears are so stupid Helen why are you even crying oh my god you're such a failure.
So I used to feel homesick, but now there's just loneliness, sometimes, and a sort of urgent need to get away from my parents. I don't appreciate being made to feel like shit by my own parents, so homesickness had to go. If I was homesick I might be tempted to seek out the person who frustrates me the most out of everyone on the entire planet. (No it wasn't a conscious decision to get rid of homesickness).
I haven't felt homesick for more than two years. I'm guessing that even adults sometimes feel homesick, like once or twice a year perhaps. But I don't. All I miss are my warm blankets and the days when I can spend all day reading and drinking tea.
I used to feel homesick, when I was younger, but now I guess I'm a bit too dead for such emotions. I think the process of growing up stole my soul or something. Or the process of realizing that my parents where shitheads who didn't even realise they were pushing their daughter away from them, one nasty demeaning remark by one nasty demeaning remark.
When I felt homesick, I'd usually have an intense longing to be with my parents. I'd hug my mother and snuggle into bed beside her. I'd make her hug me (she wasn't very keen on hugs).
Sometimes I'd even feel homesick at home, so maybe it was just me missing my parents.
Anyway, I stopped feeling homesick some time ago. I stopped wanting that security blanket a long time ago. (I'm sixteen, bear with me. Fourteen was a long time ago.) I gather that my parents' presence was something along the lines of "you can stop worrying, we're here for you". But some time during 2011, it disappeared.
I didn't feel homesick. I didn't want my parents around. Instead I felt intensely, abjectly lonely, and thought that there'd never be anyone who would understand me as well as I would like them to... And if there was someone like that, I'd be completely creeped out. And that exacerbated the loneliness, really.
I didn't really think my my house as "home", not really. It was a place. I lived there, my parents lived there. There's a kitchen, three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a living room. I slept in my room.
That's it. I didn't think about the house in a sentimental way at all. It was all very pragmatic. I wasn't at all like those romantic heroines in old books, swooning and sighing over the meaning of "home" and whatnot. I just didn't care.
Slowly, that apathy extended to my parents. They gave birth to me, took care of me, gave me money and fed me. I was fond of them. I would be terribly upset if they died. Though I'd definitely move on fast enough. No point in mourning someone who can't appreciate it. What would be inconvenient was how I'd deal with being an orphan. Money? Parents? Where would I stay?
And then that apathy crept into my general life philosophy, not that it's a real philosophy. It's subject to changes, quite often. Anyway, I wasn't really prone to feeling deep emotions. For anyone, really. I alternated between being irritated by life, and being fond of the adorable friends I have. Compared to anger and love, that's pretty mild. I guess it's because I didn't want to hurt my feelings if we parted ways.
Yeah. I'm mostly concerned about myself.
I think nihilism comes close to describing my philosophy. Life was kind of... plain, sometimes, and if it had been easy to die, I think I would have done it. But it wasn't easy so I sort of drifted along.
I'm not even sure why I stopped feeling much (though I'm prone to bouts of melancholy, like crying over fanfiction and movies and sometimes just because I felt like crying) but looking back I think it was because of my parents.
I didn't see them that much every day, and their involvement in my life steadily decreased. I simply stopped needing them around. You know how babies need to be held up at first? But slowly they start standing by themselves. I think that's what happened with me.
In fact, we grew so distant that a year or two later, when they began involving themselves with my life again, I became irritated and resented their intrusion.
Let's have a break. I have to tell you about two very annoying habits that my parents have.
My mother criticizes everything I like. Just last night, when I told her "she sings well" (referring to Hyorin, a Korean idol) my mother started talking about how idols were only useful when they're young, how a pretty song can't fill your stomach, and all sorts of sour, bitter things. And then when I got angry, she had the gall to say that she hadn't said any unpleasant things.
My father likes to laugh sarcastically when he talks about serious things with me. When my teachers call him, or when we talk about schoolwork, sometimes he'll furrow his eyebrows in reply to me, and then he'll give this half-sigh half-laugh, like he thinks I'm really stupid and I'm so stupid that he doesn't even have the words for it.
Those two habits make me unhappy. More than that, they make me angry. I get really really angry. Those two habits of theirs never fail to make me angry. I suppose, consciously, I think things like "why can't you just appreciate things" and "can you just fucking tell me what it is".
But subconsciously I think I'm angry because those actions undermine my self-confidence and self-worth. I don't like talking to them because talking to them make me feels like a piece of shit stuck onto a pig's butt. In two seconds I am downgraded from a human to a piece of manure. No one endures that kind of stuff willingly.
And so I guess that's why I became really distant from my parents. They still make me feel like shit, so lately when they try to speak to me, I can't wait for it to be over. A minute spent speaking to them is a minute wasted, and ten other minutes wasted on calming myself down.
Yes, so I resented their intrusion (we're back to the main point, now).
Talking to them is tense and unpleasant, and more often than not ends in me huddling in a corner with a book or some sort of technology connected to the internet, just to avoid talking to them. Sometimes when I'm stressed with school, it ends with me sulking in my room and sometimes crying a few tears, and then a few more tears because godammit tears are so stupid Helen why are you even crying oh my god you're such a failure.
So I used to feel homesick, but now there's just loneliness, sometimes, and a sort of urgent need to get away from my parents. I don't appreciate being made to feel like shit by my own parents, so homesickness had to go. If I was homesick I might be tempted to seek out the person who frustrates me the most out of everyone on the entire planet. (No it wasn't a conscious decision to get rid of homesickness).
I haven't felt homesick for more than two years. I'm guessing that even adults sometimes feel homesick, like once or twice a year perhaps. But I don't. All I miss are my warm blankets and the days when I can spend all day reading and drinking tea.
I used to feel homesick, when I was younger, but now I guess I'm a bit too dead for such emotions. I think the process of growing up stole my soul or something. Or the process of realizing that my parents where shitheads who didn't even realise they were pushing their daughter away from them, one nasty demeaning remark by one nasty demeaning remark.
30 January 2013
education systems
Today we had a discussion in class about rigid education systems and such. I found it quite ironic that we're discussing that while sitting right in the middle of the rigid education system that we're condemning. But whatever. We suck it up and move on. There are degrees to be awarded.
There was some issue with the system sticking us into a box and expecting us to think out of the box. I think I once read a book about a child who had never been outside the small ten feet by ten feet room that he's been in ever since birth. (It was a weird book. Don't ask.) Basically he was so frightened and unused to the outside world that he could barely function. Back in the small room, everything outside was like a dream. Like, not real. So yes, the education expects us to function in a world that we have never experienced. That's a problem.
Um yes, but fixing that problem takes a lot of resources and time and whatnot. Imagine ten dudes shifting a twenty floor building by hand. Red tape, manpower, etc, and the system isn't failing THAT badly anyway, we've still got the rare creative sort popping up here and there.
Another issue was the 'grouping by age' thing. Class of 2010, etc. We watched a video where that was called the manufacture date. This is a real problem, actually. You stick a bunch of people together, assuming that just because they're the same age, they... Learn the same way? The same pace?
In all my years in Asia, I've never known of anyone who's skipped grades. Sure, there are accelerated programmes, but those are for the elite. Like, people on an entirely different level. Those people whom you only hear about. I don't know anyone who knows anyone who's skipped a grade. I don't even think the school allows it. I don't think so, at least... I mean, there's probably this long and arduous and complicated process, and that's mostly for skipping the entire secondary school and going straight to university or something. Most people probably aren't clever enough.
But there's got to be different paces, right? I for one am bored to death in class. I spend most of that time blinking blankly at the whiteboard or sneakily doing something unrelated to class on my iPad. But for maths and science I'm sometimes stumped. (Okay, not really, I just don't want to put in the effort. It hurts my head.) I know people who just don't get languages, and I know people who fail so utterly at maths that... There are no words.
So it should be logical to sort them by ability... Nope. Again, it's just so much easier this way. The majority of same-age people are also at the same maturity level. (I said the majority, dammit, not all of them.) No one's going to a shift a twenty floor building by hand just to accommodate the, what, thirty percent?? (idk it's not a very small percentage, but it's definitely less than half) of those who can be better than their age group.
Also this is Asia, there's this weird pride thing going on. If we group it by ability, then those who are older but are less capable in a particular aspect will feel embarrassed. Maybe ashamed. (Okay so not only Asia.) I'm talking decrease of self-worth. Increase of suicide rate maybe. I mean, haven't you read articles about people the same age as you achieving great things, and you look at yourself, in your pajamas... Ahem. I mean, you feel a little bitter, don't you?
Also different learning styles. That's the third issue, apparently, and I think this is the issue that's the most important. So we're talking learning alone, learning in a small group, and learning in a large group, we're talking audio, visual, hands-on. Some methods just don't work for some people. Imagine a teacher talking to you about sine and cosine and tangents (that's maths) ... It just doesn't work without a diagram.
There was some issue with the system sticking us into a box and expecting us to think out of the box. I think I once read a book about a child who had never been outside the small ten feet by ten feet room that he's been in ever since birth. (It was a weird book. Don't ask.) Basically he was so frightened and unused to the outside world that he could barely function. Back in the small room, everything outside was like a dream. Like, not real. So yes, the education expects us to function in a world that we have never experienced. That's a problem.
Um yes, but fixing that problem takes a lot of resources and time and whatnot. Imagine ten dudes shifting a twenty floor building by hand. Red tape, manpower, etc, and the system isn't failing THAT badly anyway, we've still got the rare creative sort popping up here and there.
Another issue was the 'grouping by age' thing. Class of 2010, etc. We watched a video where that was called the manufacture date. This is a real problem, actually. You stick a bunch of people together, assuming that just because they're the same age, they... Learn the same way? The same pace?
In all my years in Asia, I've never known of anyone who's skipped grades. Sure, there are accelerated programmes, but those are for the elite. Like, people on an entirely different level. Those people whom you only hear about. I don't know anyone who knows anyone who's skipped a grade. I don't even think the school allows it. I don't think so, at least... I mean, there's probably this long and arduous and complicated process, and that's mostly for skipping the entire secondary school and going straight to university or something. Most people probably aren't clever enough.
But there's got to be different paces, right? I for one am bored to death in class. I spend most of that time blinking blankly at the whiteboard or sneakily doing something unrelated to class on my iPad. But for maths and science I'm sometimes stumped. (Okay, not really, I just don't want to put in the effort. It hurts my head.) I know people who just don't get languages, and I know people who fail so utterly at maths that... There are no words.
So it should be logical to sort them by ability... Nope. Again, it's just so much easier this way. The majority of same-age people are also at the same maturity level. (I said the majority, dammit, not all of them.) No one's going to a shift a twenty floor building by hand just to accommodate the, what, thirty percent?? (idk it's not a very small percentage, but it's definitely less than half) of those who can be better than their age group.
Also this is Asia, there's this weird pride thing going on. If we group it by ability, then those who are older but are less capable in a particular aspect will feel embarrassed. Maybe ashamed. (Okay so not only Asia.) I'm talking decrease of self-worth. Increase of suicide rate maybe. I mean, haven't you read articles about people the same age as you achieving great things, and you look at yourself, in your pajamas... Ahem. I mean, you feel a little bitter, don't you?
Also different learning styles. That's the third issue, apparently, and I think this is the issue that's the most important. So we're talking learning alone, learning in a small group, and learning in a large group, we're talking audio, visual, hands-on. Some methods just don't work for some people. Imagine a teacher talking to you about sine and cosine and tangents (that's maths) ... It just doesn't work without a diagram.
I sigh. Anyway, I am done talking about education systems. It makes me depressed and there aren't any ways to improve the system quickly.
22 January 2013
back to school problems
1. Too tired to move
When I get home I barely have enough energy to pull out my iPad and stare into the internet for a couple of hours. Staring into the internet doesn't take any energy. It's about the easier thing to do, ever. A while later I regain enough life to crawl to the bathroom and take a shower. That's it. That's about it. It feels like there are weights tied to every part of my body. I'm not kidding, I rarely even get off the floor.
2. Muscle ache
So after two months of inactivity I go back to school. And back to Phys Ed class. That's a formula for aching muscles all over your body. There's no alternative - this is what I get every year. Right now I can barely walk. Again, not kidding. My calves burn something horrible. Climb stairs? How about no. Too bad I have to climb two floors up to my classroom. And then two floors down for food. And then two floors up to the classroom again. Even rolling out of bed is painful.
3. Parents
I thought I've experienced chronic nagging from parents. Ha, ha ha ha. No. Today I was nagged about studying - every hour. That's about six hours, from the time when I came back from school, and now I'm hiding in my room with the lights off to escape my parents. Sounds like I have a good life, but no. Today was just an exceptionally good day. I actually skipped out on a good hour of school. (Also I wake up at 5:50am every morning, fuck the world.) Each time my parents spoke to me it was like having a bunch of angry hornets poking at your eardrum. Just stop. Stop stop stop. I spend more time lazing around at school than at home, and I don't even get scolded for it. This is why I don't want to go home. (If I do go home then I go to bed as early as possible.)
4. Sleep
I usually sleep from 10:30 to 5:50 on school days. That's like at least seven hours of sleep, but it sure doesn't feel like it. For the last three weeks I've been waking up in the middle of the night. Like, multiple times every single night. Also I dream. What's so bad about dreaming, you ask? Well, when I dream, it's always lucid dreams. And I'm also always half-awake during dreams. It doesn't feel like I slept at all. It feels like I closed my eyes and lived another life, and woke up just in time to get back into this life. And I just can't fall asleep. Rest time? Haha no. Also all my dreams have entire casts of characters with full back story and sometimes I am multiple characters. If that doesn't fuck up a good night's sleep then I don't know what will.
5. In general, everything sucks
You know that timetable? The one that tells you what class to go to, when. That's stupid. And school? That's stupid. I've been cooped up alone during the entire holidays, because I have anxiety issues about going outside alone and all my friends are overseas. Also my parents don't exactly like me going out with my friends. In the end I spent perhaps two months exchanging at most mild pleasantries with people I may or may not know (seriously I don't even know if I know them). I want to walk around with my friends. Talk to them. Laugh. I don't want a timetable pressing on me, nipping at my heels and sending a flood of irritation across my friendtime.
Also I'm being honest, being alone isn't exactly good for my psychological health. I've been doing some odd things lately. I'm very sure that it's because of a lack of interaction with humans.
P.S. 6. Homework
Except not exactly, because I either not do homework, copy homework, or rush it at the last minute. Right now it's not much of an issue. If I don't feel too dead in school then I'll probably do it in school.
Oh yeah, and 7. School
It makes me feel dead. On most days I can sit there and drool at the teacher for five hours straight. Breathing feels like a chore. I'm not getting much of an education. I mean, I appreciate the effort that the teachers have put in, really, but there's only so much you can do when one of your students have an erratic learning speed.
Um, sorry. I guess.
When I get home I barely have enough energy to pull out my iPad and stare into the internet for a couple of hours. Staring into the internet doesn't take any energy. It's about the easier thing to do, ever. A while later I regain enough life to crawl to the bathroom and take a shower. That's it. That's about it. It feels like there are weights tied to every part of my body. I'm not kidding, I rarely even get off the floor.
2. Muscle ache
So after two months of inactivity I go back to school. And back to Phys Ed class. That's a formula for aching muscles all over your body. There's no alternative - this is what I get every year. Right now I can barely walk. Again, not kidding. My calves burn something horrible. Climb stairs? How about no. Too bad I have to climb two floors up to my classroom. And then two floors down for food. And then two floors up to the classroom again. Even rolling out of bed is painful.
3. Parents
I thought I've experienced chronic nagging from parents. Ha, ha ha ha. No. Today I was nagged about studying - every hour. That's about six hours, from the time when I came back from school, and now I'm hiding in my room with the lights off to escape my parents. Sounds like I have a good life, but no. Today was just an exceptionally good day. I actually skipped out on a good hour of school. (Also I wake up at 5:50am every morning, fuck the world.) Each time my parents spoke to me it was like having a bunch of angry hornets poking at your eardrum. Just stop. Stop stop stop. I spend more time lazing around at school than at home, and I don't even get scolded for it. This is why I don't want to go home. (If I do go home then I go to bed as early as possible.)
4. Sleep
I usually sleep from 10:30 to 5:50 on school days. That's like at least seven hours of sleep, but it sure doesn't feel like it. For the last three weeks I've been waking up in the middle of the night. Like, multiple times every single night. Also I dream. What's so bad about dreaming, you ask? Well, when I dream, it's always lucid dreams. And I'm also always half-awake during dreams. It doesn't feel like I slept at all. It feels like I closed my eyes and lived another life, and woke up just in time to get back into this life. And I just can't fall asleep. Rest time? Haha no. Also all my dreams have entire casts of characters with full back story and sometimes I am multiple characters. If that doesn't fuck up a good night's sleep then I don't know what will.
5. In general, everything sucks
You know that timetable? The one that tells you what class to go to, when. That's stupid. And school? That's stupid. I've been cooped up alone during the entire holidays, because I have anxiety issues about going outside alone and all my friends are overseas. Also my parents don't exactly like me going out with my friends. In the end I spent perhaps two months exchanging at most mild pleasantries with people I may or may not know (seriously I don't even know if I know them). I want to walk around with my friends. Talk to them. Laugh. I don't want a timetable pressing on me, nipping at my heels and sending a flood of irritation across my friendtime.
Also I'm being honest, being alone isn't exactly good for my psychological health. I've been doing some odd things lately. I'm very sure that it's because of a lack of interaction with humans.
P.S. 6. Homework
Except not exactly, because I either not do homework, copy homework, or rush it at the last minute. Right now it's not much of an issue. If I don't feel too dead in school then I'll probably do it in school.
Oh yeah, and 7. School
It makes me feel dead. On most days I can sit there and drool at the teacher for five hours straight. Breathing feels like a chore. I'm not getting much of an education. I mean, I appreciate the effort that the teachers have put in, really, but there's only so much you can do when one of your students have an erratic learning speed.
Um, sorry. I guess.
7 January 2013
i am fed up with life
I am ill and injured (no I mean literally) and sick of this world's bullshit and I'm totally ready for my new adult life. I am the stunning butterfly that flutters out from the nondescript chrysalis. Or whatever. I am so ready to become an adult. I have left all the fucks behind. I have no fucks left to give. I am ready to try this deadpan thing that seems so popular. I am unamused. My face will not be not unamused. My face looks like this -___- and I have a sore throat and yeah okay whatever I'm going to go take a nap.
6 January 2013
Dream diary??
Today I had a really disturbing dream. By disturbing, I mean that I was itching to kill people for no good reason, just because I could. Also it wasn't exactly mercy killing. I was all let's torture this person and watch him die slowly and painfully. And I had fun, I think. More details next time. Sometimes my dreams scare myself.
2 January 2013
first post of 2013?? first day of school in 2013
We haven't had any real classes yet, it's just fun and games for these three days. School officially starts next week, so I suppose I have a few more days to finish that pile of holiday homework...
I'm kind of tired and my brain's kind of empty. I kind of want to do something artsy, but I also kind of don't want to. Cause, you know, effort.
Am feeling quite drained. I think I forgot how to interact with humans. This is stressful. School is so amazingly stressful.
Why doesn't this place ever fucking snow...?
Anyway, I thought about doing something productive, but the heat sapped all the energy out of me. So I present this shitty non-post.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to turn the a/c really low and see if I feel like reading a book.
I'm kind of tired and my brain's kind of empty. I kind of want to do something artsy, but I also kind of don't want to. Cause, you know, effort.
Am feeling quite drained. I think I forgot how to interact with humans. This is stressful. School is so amazingly stressful.
Why doesn't this place ever fucking snow...?
Anyway, I thought about doing something productive, but the heat sapped all the energy out of me. So I present this shitty non-post.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to turn the a/c really low and see if I feel like reading a book.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)