Many of my posts bring up the issue between my mother and I. It's not really a petty issue any more.
Well, I've always had a bit of issue with my mother. Recently, as the years went by, she became more and more unstable. I became more and more depressed. The year of 2010 was a pretty depressed year. I almost slid into clinical depression, but what the fuck, I didn't, so let's just skip right over that. Point is, having a pretty nice mother turn into an irrational bitch is not something that I was ready to deal with.
I also think that she became more and more religious. In fact, my whole family (with the exception of myself) became more and more religious. They went to church, prayed, offered money, etc. Well, to me, it was more like wasting time and money and effort. They could have had a bit of lie in on Sunday. Instead they went to church and listened to repetitive sermons and horrible analogies that didn't help the pastor's case at all (but none of the church-goers ever seem to realise it, sigh).
Today I'm here to talk about one particular issue in the bloody fucking SEA of issues I have with my mother. That is: my mother really likes to accuse me of lying. (Or maybe two things. My mother also likes to insult things that I like.)
Now, I can't really fault her for that. I am actually quite a liar, but if only she'd let me go out with my classmates, I wouldn't have had to lie. If only she'd given me a bit more money instead of giving me the bare minimum necessary to feed myself, I wouldn't have had to lie.
At the tender age of twelve, all I actually wanted was for her to be nice to my friends instead of insulting everyone I liked. (Behind their backs, of course. She insulted them to my face and expected me to agree with her.) Also I wanted like five bucks of emergency money in my wallet just in case. I was a bit paranoid back then too.
(Did I talk about the time during primary school when my parents confiscated my phone and gave me just enough money to buy a meal a day at school? I forgot my bus card and couldn't contact anyone. I didn't even have enough coins for the ride home. I spent an hour panicking and then just told the bus driver that I didn't have money. Point is, my parents don't actually think things through. This is proven by how they gave me back my phone immediately after that incident.)
Now, even back then, my mother liked to tell me that I was lying to her, even when I wasn't. It would be over the stupidest things - homework, friends, where I put something... Etc. You know, inane little things. She'd claim that I was lying and that I was keeping things from her.
(Side note: I think I found the source of my paranoia??)
Sometimes it'd be joking, sometime it'd be serious, but whenever she randomly accused me of lying, it set my teeth on edge. Damn, I wanted to throw things at her stupid head. But I didn't, of course. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want to break anything that would cost money to repair.
(Well but she evidently didn't feel the same way. Did I tell you about the time when she smashed a few of my things? Hit me a few times? With coat hangers? Or just her hands - that was pretty painful and left quite a few bruises.)
Basically - if she thought that everything I said was a lie, then she shouldn't be talking to me. During a certain period of time she would ask me a question, and whatever I said, she'd claim that it was a lie. It was so bloody irritating. She was my mother. She wasn't supposed to accuse me without basis for simple things.
She actually made me quite anxious. During that time she also started insulting things I liked. Like Japanese music. She'd say it was all horrible without even listening to it. She said my taste in books were bad. The clothes I picked out didn't look nice. The way I tied my hair was atrocious. My friends were lying little bastards.
Chinese can be a very creative language sometimes. (My mother speaks chinese exclusively.) Also quite a hurtful language.
I think, maybe, that she gave me anxiety issues. To this day, when I go outside, I feel like my clothes don't fit me, I look horrible, and generally I don't feel very comfortable with people looking at me. That's why I prefer going out with friends. If they said my clothes looked horrible, they'd also probably tell me what would look better. Instead of just leaving it at the insult, like my mother.
All right, back to the lying thing. The truth is, a large majority of the time, I wasn't even lying to her. It really hurt me when she accused me of lying. I was twelve. I barely even talked to boys. I was completely unprepared for my own mother being a paranoid bitch towards me. I didn't like it. I wanted my mother to hug me (actually, she doesn't hug me, and she doesn't compliment me either). Point is, I wanted her to be nice again.
Too bad! She became even bitchier and I became more depressed. When I came out of depression I decided that she was a stupid bitch and I wasn't going to let her make me cry any more. (That was a failure, by the way. Don't underestimate how painful your mother can make your life.) But still. After that I got over the hurt considerably faster than before.
That was when I was thirteen.
I thought she was better for a while. I thought she was going to be a nice, okay-ish, semi-normal sort of mother again. I thought I could go back to joking with her. (Shopping with her is still excruciatingly painful. I would go with my father 10/10 my father knows my taste in clothes better than her, and he hasn't gone shopping with me since I was five.)
Okay, point is: my mother spends a hell lot of time with me, but she doesn't know me as well as my father, whom I maybe see for two hours every night.
Anyway, turns out that she's becoming a bit unhinged lately again. Like, ever since two months ago. Today she kind of accused me of keeping things from her. Today she said that she couldn't have said that without some basis for it. And when I proved that she could ("Dad, you're keeping things from me" - I had no basis for that) she said that she doesn't want to tell me the basis for her accusation.
(Edit: I think I went off topic right about here. I think.)
This was right after I found out that there was a bastard reporting my facebook activities to my parents. The religious misguided do-gooder kind of person, I guess. I'm fine with keeping religion the FUCK out of my relationship with my parents, but apparently my parents aren't okay with that.
My dad said that until I was of age, I would still have to go to church with them. The age for reaffirming your devotion to Christ (I was baptized young, and baptized children had to confirm it again) in this church was fifteen. I said I didn't want to reaffirm some bloody thing that was forced upon me at the age where all I wanted was to be the same as my friends. In fact, I had a screaming match with my parents a few months before I turned fourteen. I believe I said these exact words: "I don't believe in your god."
They tried to prod me into going to church with them every bloody Sunday until I turned fifteen. My mother would get angry and throw books up at me (I slept in the top bunk of a double decker, back then) regardless of whether they hit me or not.
Back to the issue at hand: my parents are some of the most naively blind Christians ever. They think Christianity is da shit and never questioned it after they were introduced to it at the age of thirty. Or something. Their point-blank refusal to examine their faith is
REALLY
FUCKING
FRUSTRATING
and sometimes I just wanted to hit myself on the head a few times, just so that I can pass out and escape the tedious, circular arguments.
Anyway, they're the naively blind sort of Christians, but sometimes my mother is just a bitch, plain and simple. She'd talk to me about my grades and god and facebook and religion
AND
basically all she wanted to say was that my grades should be higher. Same with my father. They can't simplify to save their life.
I have a headache.
I really hate people who can't look at themselves objectively. People who are content swimming in circles inside their own brain. Like my mother.
I'd like to just end this post now.
In summary, my mother makes me feel like horseshit, and I'd rather eat twenty lemons than spend a minute with her.
Also sometimes I look up stories from kids who are actually abused, and I tell myself that "hey this ain't so bad, they deal with worse, I can get through this shit". Except sometimes my parents kind of just don't care, and it doesn't matter how much better my life is, I just want to curl up and cry.
This is Asia. Family problems stay in the family. You ignore them until you can move out. No one will call your bloody hotlines. Your friends will be really nice and make you feel a lot better, but that's about it.
I'm tired of being put down all the time. There's a limit to much verbal abuse one can endure from one's own mother. I'm not going to cut and I'm not going to kill myself. But I AM going to get very angry, and very depressed. And that is not very nice.
30 December 2012
I don't think I've ever been this ready to cut someone out of my life
30 december 2012
Remember that post, long ago, where I talked about some pathetic woman who was offended by me and my anti-religion-ness?
This time, someone on my facebook friend list just tattletaled to my parents again. I rather suspect someone who knows my family personally and goes to the same church. I have a message for that person: what an utterly despicable thing to do.
I'm sure many of you know the playground rules: tattletales are to be avoided. Tattletales are not to be trusted. And if someone tattles, the next day they'll find themselves with fewer friends than yesterday.
Perhaps that adult didn't consider this tattletaling. Perhaps the adult, with his or her misguided notions, thought that it would help me.
Here's a tip, Tattletaler: I find it rather disgusting to tattletale with the intention to help. If you want to be an upright person, tattletaling is rather defeating the point. That's disgusting. That's hypocritical, and you've never even paused to consider it.
If someone tattletales in malice, or for gossip, I don't mind. I understand it. Of course, I won't like them very much, but there's little that I find more disgusting than misguided do-gooders whose good intentions wipe out every trace of humanity from their brains.
I despise people trying to force help upon me. I absolutely despise it, and my personal hell would consist of those empty-headed do-gooders who are so deeply entrenched in themselves that they'll never see outside their own brain.
Let me explain. If I were to attempt to prevent someone from committing suicide, I would stand beside them and chat. I would try to empathize. To put it simply, I would attempt to resonate on the same frequency. I won't tell them about those who will miss them. I won't tell them that life will get better. I'll ask them about their reasons for it all.
In other words, I'll make it clear what I'm going to do, and do it in a way that makes me seem like one of them. There's a huge difference between speaking from the inside and speaking from the outside. Someone who speaks from the outside comes across as self-obsessed and little patronizing, and sometimes even idiotic.
[post is stopped because I'm too emotional to write anything coherent. Will be updated when I am less angry and my killer headache is gone. Right now I will write an angry post about my mother, and I won't have to worry about being diplomatic or sarcastic because she's a bitch and I fucking hate her. And that's the truth. I know it.]
Edit: Okay never mind I give up.
Remember that post, long ago, where I talked about some pathetic woman who was offended by me and my anti-religion-ness?
This time, someone on my facebook friend list just tattletaled to my parents again. I rather suspect someone who knows my family personally and goes to the same church. I have a message for that person: what an utterly despicable thing to do.
I'm sure many of you know the playground rules: tattletales are to be avoided. Tattletales are not to be trusted. And if someone tattles, the next day they'll find themselves with fewer friends than yesterday.
Perhaps that adult didn't consider this tattletaling. Perhaps the adult, with his or her misguided notions, thought that it would help me.
Here's a tip, Tattletaler: I find it rather disgusting to tattletale with the intention to help. If you want to be an upright person, tattletaling is rather defeating the point. That's disgusting. That's hypocritical, and you've never even paused to consider it.
If someone tattletales in malice, or for gossip, I don't mind. I understand it. Of course, I won't like them very much, but there's little that I find more disgusting than misguided do-gooders whose good intentions wipe out every trace of humanity from their brains.
I despise people trying to force help upon me. I absolutely despise it, and my personal hell would consist of those empty-headed do-gooders who are so deeply entrenched in themselves that they'll never see outside their own brain.
Let me explain. If I were to attempt to prevent someone from committing suicide, I would stand beside them and chat. I would try to empathize. To put it simply, I would attempt to resonate on the same frequency. I won't tell them about those who will miss them. I won't tell them that life will get better. I'll ask them about their reasons for it all.
In other words, I'll make it clear what I'm going to do, and do it in a way that makes me seem like one of them. There's a huge difference between speaking from the inside and speaking from the outside. Someone who speaks from the outside comes across as self-obsessed and little patronizing, and sometimes even idiotic.
[post is stopped because I'm too emotional to write anything coherent. Will be updated when I am less angry and my killer headache is gone. Right now I will write an angry post about my mother, and I won't have to worry about being diplomatic or sarcastic because she's a bitch and I fucking hate her. And that's the truth. I know it.]
Edit: Okay never mind I give up.
22 December 2012
About Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, and the creeping sense of foreboding it left me with
*IF YOU PLAN ON READING THE BOOK, SUSPEND BELIEF AND DO NOT STOP SUSPENDING BELIEF. DO NOT QUESTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE BOOK.
Last night I read a book - Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, the debut novel by Ransom Riggs.
Basically, the book is about a boy in modern times, whose grandfather tells him fantastically unbelievable stories about children who can fly and can turn invisible, etc. What happens next is that his grandfather is killed brutally, by some strange creatures (the official report is wild animals) and then the boy goes on a trip across the Atlantic Ocean to find the truth, or closure, or whatever.
It's a good book, very nice. The atmosphere kind of wraps around you, and you keep flipping the pages. Of course, the pictures helped with that effect. I enjoyed it quite a lot.
Then again there are certain things that tick me off. Those things about the book irritate me. It makes me angry because it's not explained, and it keeps niggling away at me.
SPOILER ALERT
Two things: the ending, and the entire 'loop' theory.
No wait, three. The adult-children bother me too.
The peculiar children live in a loop started by Miss Peregrine, repeating the day of September third over and over again. For about eighty years, apparently?
One thing that bothers me is that the loop apparently stretches across the entire world or something. It's not limited to a particular physical landscape. It doesn't have a fixed entry point. (The protagonist - I forgot his name, but that's not very important - enters through the cairn every time, I think, but apparently the wights in the submarine, at the end, entered through another point? What the fuck?)
That's not okay. It's like the author made up a half-assed fantasy world, and then drew vivid characters. It's a but like... Drawing incredibly detailed flowers, and then splashing some blue and green around for the sky and grass.
Maybe it's supposed to add to the atmosphere, but not for me. It made my experience very frustrating. It's like a camera that refuse to focus no matter what you do to it.
Another point that bothers me is the ending. The protagonist gives up his time with little to no angst at all. From what I see, he's just "oh... There's nothing much for me here... And the peculiars need me... Okay!"
That's not okay. That is very not okay. I don't care how hardened and disillusioned and cynical you are, no one gives up everything that they've ever known just for a motley bunch of strange adult-kids that they've known for three months max.
You might have a hero complex or whatever, but you'll still feel a certain amount of angst about leaving your entire universe with next to no hope of going back.
The protagonist here seems to make a difficult decision and then promptly forget all about it. I don't know why. Maybe it's to prove a point. Maybe to subtly emphasize a subtle point. Whatever, his non-reaction pisses me off.
Also the loop-hopping thing? Ridiculous. I don't claim to know about temporal whatever, but it seems to me that the author's mixing linear and non-linear timelines without explaining how they work or interact.
I imagine that if you could choose when to step out of a loop, then the protagonist could just have stepped out a few hours after he went in, sparing himself the where-were-you lecture. Hell, if you could CHOOSE when to step out, then you could spent a few centuries inside and step out BEFORE the time when you went in. There seems to be no effect at all. You don't de-age.
Ohhhh, holy shit, wait a second. That is a CHEAT. That is a CHEAT CODE, that is a NASTY LITTLE CHEAT. If the protagonist steps into the loop, and then spends a few centuries in it, then he could presumably step back into his own time. Same age, same time, a few centuries of experience.
Think of it this way: a straight line, which is our time. And a bubble attached to September third. From present time, hook a line into that bubble.
This implies that you can hook a line from anywhere into that bubble. That means that any time between the start of the bubble and modern time is FREE GAME. That's, I don't know... You could go into the bubble at 2005, and come out into 1990 to visit your deceased dad. Or something.
In my limited view, that bubble is a phenomenal CHEAT and should not exist. It's a cheat for everyone who didn't join the bubble at the start.
And the author doesn't even try to placate our anxiety. He's like, "whatever, let's go on with the plot, the laws of this universe doesn't matter, I'll tell you more when I've figured out how to twist it to fit the plot".
Um.
I'm actually plotting this out as I write. Any epiphanies I get is real-time. Thus might not be very coherent. Timelines are confusing. My head hurts. Please tell me if I've gotten anything wrong.
Okay, last thing that bothers me: the adult-children. As I was reading the book, I felt that there was something very wrong with something. I couldn't figure it out, it was like background noise. Annoying background noise.
The realisation came when I read the part about them burying Victor, at the very end.
They (the adult-children, the peculiars) had issues that would warrant immediate hospitalisation and months and years of therapy. They seem fine.
They've been stuck in the loop for eighty years. That would drive me stir-crazy, I'd commit suicide. They seem fine.
They mutilate animals and keep corpses in rooms and torment the townspeople and
ESSENTIALLY, they have normalised extremely abnormal behaviour. That is not good. That is not okay. Miss Peregrine seems nice and strict and like a normal schoolteacher. SHE IS NOT OKAY. I cannot emphasize this enough - SHE started the loop, kept them unchanging, fed them morbid news from the future, treated their abnormalities as normal (though really there isn't another way to treat it, in this situation), turned a blind eye to most of their increasingly sadistic and fucked-up past times...
Maybe that was the only thing to do, though. She couldn't treat them as freaks and expect them to coexist for eighty years. She couldn't expect them to accept eighty years without entertainment. No one expects children to be nice when their victims will forget everything the next day.
But this actually brings up another point that I forgot - what about the townspeople? They're not in the loop, since they remember nothing. They're like memories that are blown to sand the moment the loop resets. Was it really necessary to include them in the loop? How far does the loop extend, anyway? If you went to china, while in the loop, would you see the same thing? Memories repeating? How do loops every coexist? Does every loop include all the loops that have been created before it or what?
This is making me a little angry. It all feels a little half-assed and half-assed books make me want to rip it up because it's a waste of paper. At least shitty fanfiction is free and digital.
What I imagine is that they've finished a few drafts of the book, and someone goes "okay that's it, there's only the loop explanation left. Add that in somewhere and it'll be read to print", and then someone else says "okay" and prints it anyway because who listens to editors anyway?
This book left me with a feeling that the sky had just permanently turned purple. And that it's always been purple. And that you're the only delusional one who thinks that it should be blue.
Let me say this again: it's a good book. I enjoyed it.
It just left me with a subtly uncomfortable feeling that developed into full-fledged panic when I realised that it was wrong! everything was wrong! this is wrong wrong wrong wrong OH MY FUCKING GOD I FEEL NAUSEOUS.
This book should come with a warning: if you have a vivid imagination and think too much, you will feel uncomfortable and highly creeped out, and if you read it at night, and then start logically THINKING about the book, you will have a hard time falling asleep.
Moral of the post: read the book, enjoy it, FOR FUCK'S SAKE DON'T ANALYSE IT.
/EDIT/: the word is "bizarre".
Last night I read a book - Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, the debut novel by Ransom Riggs.
Basically, the book is about a boy in modern times, whose grandfather tells him fantastically unbelievable stories about children who can fly and can turn invisible, etc. What happens next is that his grandfather is killed brutally, by some strange creatures (the official report is wild animals) and then the boy goes on a trip across the Atlantic Ocean to find the truth, or closure, or whatever.
It's a good book, very nice. The atmosphere kind of wraps around you, and you keep flipping the pages. Of course, the pictures helped with that effect. I enjoyed it quite a lot.
Then again there are certain things that tick me off. Those things about the book irritate me. It makes me angry because it's not explained, and it keeps niggling away at me.
SPOILER ALERT
Two things: the ending, and the entire 'loop' theory.
No wait, three. The adult-children bother me too.
The peculiar children live in a loop started by Miss Peregrine, repeating the day of September third over and over again. For about eighty years, apparently?
One thing that bothers me is that the loop apparently stretches across the entire world or something. It's not limited to a particular physical landscape. It doesn't have a fixed entry point. (The protagonist - I forgot his name, but that's not very important - enters through the cairn every time, I think, but apparently the wights in the submarine, at the end, entered through another point? What the fuck?)
That's not okay. It's like the author made up a half-assed fantasy world, and then drew vivid characters. It's a but like... Drawing incredibly detailed flowers, and then splashing some blue and green around for the sky and grass.
Maybe it's supposed to add to the atmosphere, but not for me. It made my experience very frustrating. It's like a camera that refuse to focus no matter what you do to it.
Another point that bothers me is the ending. The protagonist gives up his time with little to no angst at all. From what I see, he's just "oh... There's nothing much for me here... And the peculiars need me... Okay!"
That's not okay. That is very not okay. I don't care how hardened and disillusioned and cynical you are, no one gives up everything that they've ever known just for a motley bunch of strange adult-kids that they've known for three months max.
You might have a hero complex or whatever, but you'll still feel a certain amount of angst about leaving your entire universe with next to no hope of going back.
The protagonist here seems to make a difficult decision and then promptly forget all about it. I don't know why. Maybe it's to prove a point. Maybe to subtly emphasize a subtle point. Whatever, his non-reaction pisses me off.
Also the loop-hopping thing? Ridiculous. I don't claim to know about temporal whatever, but it seems to me that the author's mixing linear and non-linear timelines without explaining how they work or interact.
I imagine that if you could choose when to step out of a loop, then the protagonist could just have stepped out a few hours after he went in, sparing himself the where-were-you lecture. Hell, if you could CHOOSE when to step out, then you could spent a few centuries inside and step out BEFORE the time when you went in. There seems to be no effect at all. You don't de-age.
Ohhhh, holy shit, wait a second. That is a CHEAT. That is a CHEAT CODE, that is a NASTY LITTLE CHEAT. If the protagonist steps into the loop, and then spends a few centuries in it, then he could presumably step back into his own time. Same age, same time, a few centuries of experience.
Think of it this way: a straight line, which is our time. And a bubble attached to September third. From present time, hook a line into that bubble.
This implies that you can hook a line from anywhere into that bubble. That means that any time between the start of the bubble and modern time is FREE GAME. That's, I don't know... You could go into the bubble at 2005, and come out into 1990 to visit your deceased dad. Or something.
In my limited view, that bubble is a phenomenal CHEAT and should not exist. It's a cheat for everyone who didn't join the bubble at the start.
And the author doesn't even try to placate our anxiety. He's like, "whatever, let's go on with the plot, the laws of this universe doesn't matter, I'll tell you more when I've figured out how to twist it to fit the plot".
Um.
I'm actually plotting this out as I write. Any epiphanies I get is real-time. Thus might not be very coherent. Timelines are confusing. My head hurts. Please tell me if I've gotten anything wrong.
Okay, last thing that bothers me: the adult-children. As I was reading the book, I felt that there was something very wrong with something. I couldn't figure it out, it was like background noise. Annoying background noise.
The realisation came when I read the part about them burying Victor, at the very end.
They (the adult-children, the peculiars) had issues that would warrant immediate hospitalisation and months and years of therapy. They seem fine.
They've been stuck in the loop for eighty years. That would drive me stir-crazy, I'd commit suicide. They seem fine.
They mutilate animals and keep corpses in rooms and torment the townspeople and
ESSENTIALLY, they have normalised extremely abnormal behaviour. That is not good. That is not okay. Miss Peregrine seems nice and strict and like a normal schoolteacher. SHE IS NOT OKAY. I cannot emphasize this enough - SHE started the loop, kept them unchanging, fed them morbid news from the future, treated their abnormalities as normal (though really there isn't another way to treat it, in this situation), turned a blind eye to most of their increasingly sadistic and fucked-up past times...
Maybe that was the only thing to do, though. She couldn't treat them as freaks and expect them to coexist for eighty years. She couldn't expect them to accept eighty years without entertainment. No one expects children to be nice when their victims will forget everything the next day.
But this actually brings up another point that I forgot - what about the townspeople? They're not in the loop, since they remember nothing. They're like memories that are blown to sand the moment the loop resets. Was it really necessary to include them in the loop? How far does the loop extend, anyway? If you went to china, while in the loop, would you see the same thing? Memories repeating? How do loops every coexist? Does every loop include all the loops that have been created before it or what?
This is making me a little angry. It all feels a little half-assed and half-assed books make me want to rip it up because it's a waste of paper. At least shitty fanfiction is free and digital.
What I imagine is that they've finished a few drafts of the book, and someone goes "okay that's it, there's only the loop explanation left. Add that in somewhere and it'll be read to print", and then someone else says "okay" and prints it anyway because who listens to editors anyway?
This book left me with a feeling that the sky had just permanently turned purple. And that it's always been purple. And that you're the only delusional one who thinks that it should be blue.
Let me say this again: it's a good book. I enjoyed it.
It just left me with a subtly uncomfortable feeling that developed into full-fledged panic when I realised that it was wrong! everything was wrong! this is wrong wrong wrong wrong OH MY FUCKING GOD I FEEL NAUSEOUS.
This book should come with a warning: if you have a vivid imagination and think too much, you will feel uncomfortable and highly creeped out, and if you read it at night, and then start logically THINKING about the book, you will have a hard time falling asleep.
Moral of the post: read the book, enjoy it, FOR FUCK'S SAKE DON'T ANALYSE IT.
/EDIT/: the word is "bizarre".
18 December 2012
this is actually a lot less serious than it sounds. do not be alarmed. this is a rant.
Sometimes I think about calling the cops on my mother, but I realise that it would fuck things up spectacularly, to the point where up and down aren't fixed positions anymore. "Normal" would cease to be an option, and I might as well be jumping from the frying pan straight into the fire. It's something like exchanging one unbearable problem for a lot of slightly less unbearable ones.
Point is, I don't think this unbearable problem is going to become any less unbearable for the foreseeable future. My mother... She's the kind of person who hears criticisms about herself and immediately denies them. Not once would she think about whether or not it's deserved. She doesn't really care about YOUR opinion of her, she has her OWN, and that's enough.
This means that she'll never change because of anyone or anything. This kind of means that the unbearable problem isn't getting any more bearable.
Today my mother had a screaming fit in the car, because my brother and I were fussing about something in the mall. She loves to tell others to die - things along the lines of 'your life is pointless', 'go and die', etc. My brother in the backseat started crying halfway through (she wasn't even screaming at him) and she just continued screaming and spitting into my ear.
Mountains out of molehills?
Well.
A few years back my mother used to be really violent. She'd get angry and hit me with things, and I'd get bruises and stuff. Sometimes her nails broke the skin, etc. We'd have screaming fits at each other, and she'd hit anything she could reach. (That was about the time I started the blog.)
Of course, that passed. Then again, maybe not.
Today I got out of the car during her screaming fit. I couldn't stand it any more - I didn't feel guilty or anything, more of ... hurt and disgusted. Having your mother call you a useless lump who should die isn't a pleasant feeling. Also I was disgusted by how she could completely disregard my crying brother. Anyone who can effortlessly - I do mean effortlessly, it was like she hadn't even noticed him crying - ignore a crying child is... Well, not fit to be a parent.
So I stood out there in the car park. Obviously, my mother wanted to leave, but she couldn't leave me behind (all I had was a phone, also a basic maternal instinct not to dump her kid outside). The pathetic thing was, she couldn't even be bothered to get out of the car herself. She sent my brother to get me back. In fact, my brother ran back and forth like a messenger, all because she's a shitty mother.
In the end, she resorted to screaming at me across the car park. And then manhandling me into the car.
This is what I meant by "maybe not" (refer to previous paragraphs).
I have a bruise on the outside of my left thigh, which makes it hard to sit properly, and several scratches on my right upper arm. Like, she scratched a layer of skin right off. And she's the one who keeps going on about me and my sharp nails. (Then again, she doesn't exactly do any self-examining, or think before she speaks. I, for one, would never threaten someone with things I'd never actually do.)
I don't know what's going on in her head, but I'm sick of her crap. She's an utterly disagreeable woman, and I hate spending any time with her at all. You love your mom? Great. I love mine a whole lot less than you love yours.
I hate contradictory people who don't even know that they're contradictory. In other words, I hate oblivious people who won't accept that they're oblivious, even when spoon-fed evidence of their obliviousness. In other words, my mother makes me so fucking angry I want to smash my head against a sharp metal spike.
That is not exaggeration. I do want to do that sometimes. It doesn't mean that I will do that.
I am so sick of everything. I fucking hate monotony. Also I hate physical inconveniences. Showering with one less patch of skin fucking hurts.
(I debated about attaching pictures of my arm, but decided against it because it's not exactly easy to maneuvre a camera with my left hand. I am completely right-handed.)
Point is, I don't think this unbearable problem is going to become any less unbearable for the foreseeable future. My mother... She's the kind of person who hears criticisms about herself and immediately denies them. Not once would she think about whether or not it's deserved. She doesn't really care about YOUR opinion of her, she has her OWN, and that's enough.
This means that she'll never change because of anyone or anything. This kind of means that the unbearable problem isn't getting any more bearable.
Today my mother had a screaming fit in the car, because my brother and I were fussing about something in the mall. She loves to tell others to die - things along the lines of 'your life is pointless', 'go and die', etc. My brother in the backseat started crying halfway through (she wasn't even screaming at him) and she just continued screaming and spitting into my ear.
Mountains out of molehills?
Well.
A few years back my mother used to be really violent. She'd get angry and hit me with things, and I'd get bruises and stuff. Sometimes her nails broke the skin, etc. We'd have screaming fits at each other, and she'd hit anything she could reach. (That was about the time I started the blog.)
Of course, that passed. Then again, maybe not.
Today I got out of the car during her screaming fit. I couldn't stand it any more - I didn't feel guilty or anything, more of ... hurt and disgusted. Having your mother call you a useless lump who should die isn't a pleasant feeling. Also I was disgusted by how she could completely disregard my crying brother. Anyone who can effortlessly - I do mean effortlessly, it was like she hadn't even noticed him crying - ignore a crying child is... Well, not fit to be a parent.
So I stood out there in the car park. Obviously, my mother wanted to leave, but she couldn't leave me behind (all I had was a phone, also a basic maternal instinct not to dump her kid outside). The pathetic thing was, she couldn't even be bothered to get out of the car herself. She sent my brother to get me back. In fact, my brother ran back and forth like a messenger, all because she's a shitty mother.
In the end, she resorted to screaming at me across the car park. And then manhandling me into the car.
This is what I meant by "maybe not" (refer to previous paragraphs).
I have a bruise on the outside of my left thigh, which makes it hard to sit properly, and several scratches on my right upper arm. Like, she scratched a layer of skin right off. And she's the one who keeps going on about me and my sharp nails. (Then again, she doesn't exactly do any self-examining, or think before she speaks. I, for one, would never threaten someone with things I'd never actually do.)
I don't know what's going on in her head, but I'm sick of her crap. She's an utterly disagreeable woman, and I hate spending any time with her at all. You love your mom? Great. I love mine a whole lot less than you love yours.
I hate contradictory people who don't even know that they're contradictory. In other words, I hate oblivious people who won't accept that they're oblivious, even when spoon-fed evidence of their obliviousness. In other words, my mother makes me so fucking angry I want to smash my head against a sharp metal spike.
That is not exaggeration. I do want to do that sometimes. It doesn't mean that I will do that.
I am so sick of everything. I fucking hate monotony. Also I hate physical inconveniences. Showering with one less patch of skin fucking hurts.
(I debated about attaching pictures of my arm, but decided against it because it's not exactly easy to maneuvre a camera with my left hand. I am completely right-handed.)
4 December 2012
so I realised that I have been negligent
Haven't posted anything for quite some time, I believe. If the last post's in the last month, then it's time to move my ass and post something else.
So here's a fic-thing. This is maybe what my drunken ramblings would look like if I were drunk. Which I'm not. Drunk, I mean. Idk.
...
It's cold. He likes the cold. Well, not really, not quite. He isn't sure if he likes it, or the warmth that seems so much more intense in the midst of it. He likes comfort, the assurance that there is something left for him.
It used to be that he'd press his soft, thick blankets to his chest, soaking in the warmth and trying to somehow push the downy feathers through his ribcage, all the way through his spine. There was a hollow aching pain somewhere inside. The sort that felt like a black void. The blankets helped.
But he'd thrown the well-worn blankets away a few years ago. In a fit of self-loathing, he'd decided that he didn't deserve anything like that. So now he sleeps alone with a thin barely-blanket over his knees.
He'd turn the a/c punishingly low each night, shivering miserably and squirming when the cold wind blew over his skin. He doesn't know why he does that. There's no reason for it, really. He hates himself for throwing away the blankets, so he tries to freeze himself; he hates himself for cold-acid air, so he doesn't buy any more blankets. It's just a childish, self-obsessed game of give and take.
He hates himself for that too. A deep, swirling pit of confused disgust.
And he hates that too, because it all makes no sense. Life has been good to him. Upper middle-class, two nice parents - a complete family with about enough money to afford a car and a large apartment. What else could he ask for?
But everything was gentle in its mediocrity. It was like body temperature bathwater - good enough for anyone to use, but barely there and not enough. Not much of anything at all.
That sums up his entire life. Barely there and not enough. There might have been something more, but normalcy has spoiled him, rotted him from the inside-out, outside-in. As he breathes in the frigid poison air each night, falling asleep to the sound of his rattling bones, he scratches at his arms. Digs into the skin cell by cell. Gouges out thin milk-trails of white, invisible in the darkness. Outside-in, inside-out.
Still normal. The tracks fade before he's even fully asleep. He'll never pick up a razor. Never stick a finger down his throat. No matter how pervasive his self-loathing, he'll never make a single cut. That's overboard. That's overnormal. That's not allowed.
Instead he'll turn down the the a/c even further, pinch his freezing toes with his freezing fingers, rot his soul and claw out his eyes.
He's crying. Life's been good to him. He has no right to cry.
...
I think that was about 450 words.
So here's a fic-thing. This is maybe what my drunken ramblings would look like if I were drunk. Which I'm not. Drunk, I mean. Idk.
...
It's cold. He likes the cold. Well, not really, not quite. He isn't sure if he likes it, or the warmth that seems so much more intense in the midst of it. He likes comfort, the assurance that there is something left for him.
It used to be that he'd press his soft, thick blankets to his chest, soaking in the warmth and trying to somehow push the downy feathers through his ribcage, all the way through his spine. There was a hollow aching pain somewhere inside. The sort that felt like a black void. The blankets helped.
But he'd thrown the well-worn blankets away a few years ago. In a fit of self-loathing, he'd decided that he didn't deserve anything like that. So now he sleeps alone with a thin barely-blanket over his knees.
He'd turn the a/c punishingly low each night, shivering miserably and squirming when the cold wind blew over his skin. He doesn't know why he does that. There's no reason for it, really. He hates himself for throwing away the blankets, so he tries to freeze himself; he hates himself for cold-acid air, so he doesn't buy any more blankets. It's just a childish, self-obsessed game of give and take.
He hates himself for that too. A deep, swirling pit of confused disgust.
And he hates that too, because it all makes no sense. Life has been good to him. Upper middle-class, two nice parents - a complete family with about enough money to afford a car and a large apartment. What else could he ask for?
But everything was gentle in its mediocrity. It was like body temperature bathwater - good enough for anyone to use, but barely there and not enough. Not much of anything at all.
That sums up his entire life. Barely there and not enough. There might have been something more, but normalcy has spoiled him, rotted him from the inside-out, outside-in. As he breathes in the frigid poison air each night, falling asleep to the sound of his rattling bones, he scratches at his arms. Digs into the skin cell by cell. Gouges out thin milk-trails of white, invisible in the darkness. Outside-in, inside-out.
Still normal. The tracks fade before he's even fully asleep. He'll never pick up a razor. Never stick a finger down his throat. No matter how pervasive his self-loathing, he'll never make a single cut. That's overboard. That's overnormal. That's not allowed.
Instead he'll turn down the the a/c even further, pinch his freezing toes with his freezing fingers, rot his soul and claw out his eyes.
He's crying. Life's been good to him. He has no right to cry.
...
I think that was about 450 words.
26 November 2012
a ridiculous female who doesn't like me not liking religion, apparently
I am amused and a little angry right now, because someone reported my facebook statuses to my school. They said it was religious intolerance or some other ridiculous thing.
Look, if you have a problem with me, then tell me. What do you think my school's going to do? What CAN my school do? Ask me to delete my account? In which case I'll just make a new one, thank you very much. If you're too pathetic and weak to tell me what you think, then whatever. You have an issue with ME, tell ME about it, not my school. I think that's kind of elementary.
And the anonymity isn't working very well. I've kept both my school name and real name off my facebook - I've never even explicitly stated which country I'm in, so this means that the person was someone who knows me personally, not only as an online persona. Oops! What a narrow list of people.
And here's more details: those two statuses were posted on my account, NOT to a page, NOT to someone else's wall, NOT to a group. If that doesn't scream "personal opinion", then you have more issues than I thought you did. I did NOT mention anyone's name, I did NOT mention any religion, and I did NOT mention a race. That's as vague as anyone can get while remaining coherent.
I don't understand how a vague status about religion and religious people can offend you to such an extent that you feel the need to email my school. In case you didn't know, this is called the internet, and there are worse things than female teenage atheists who think religion is more than very ridiculous. Or was that the swearing? Were vulgarities a little too harsh for your sensitive eyes? Get off the internet! Get a filter!
I don't understand what you're trying to achieve by emailing the school, but I'm afraid that your entire point has been diluted to nothing by passing through a third party. This issue is between YOU and ME, in no way does it involve my school. Get that into your brain, please. You are a ridiculously touchy woman/girl, and this issue is nothing more than an annoying inconvenience.
It DID make me laugh for quite some time, so thanks for that, anyway.
I have no idea how anyone thought that complaining to my school would be a viable solution - hint: it is not. Maybe reporting me to facebook, or messaging me, or something like that, but emailing the school? Oh my, hardcore. Did you think I would be suspended or something for having opinions? Oh I'm sorry, maybe next time when I say that I don't like warm drink. Maybe then you can report me for intolerance of temperature, I don't know.
Full explanation of statuses, because I do not regret posting them, do not regret having those opinions, and I do not regret anything about them, basically, because regret is against my principles of life - regret is a horrible, wimpy, pointless emotion. Also this is why I'm pissed at that female - and not apologetic about offending her. Life offends everyone, my dear.
"I don't know how to tolerate religion, I just get passive-aggressive."
Let me make a little longer: I dislike religion. A lot. I never fail to be irritated by it. The presence of religion makes me angry. (Why it makes me angry, though, would require a post about three times as long as this one to explain.)
Here's the definition of "intolerant": unable or unwilling to endure... unwilling to grant equal right of expression... unwilling to grant/share rights.
Here's the definition of "tolerate": to endure or resist the action of (as a drug or food) without serious side effects or discomfort... to allow to be or to be done without prohibition, hindrance, or contradiction... to put up with.
Now, in case I'm misunderstood (which I fear I already have been), "I don't know how to tolerate religion" means "I don't know how to endure religion", or "I can't put up with religion". Not "I don't know how to grant equal right of expression to religion", or "I don't know how to allow religion to be/to be done without prohibition..." etc.
Simply put: I am irritated by religion. Very much so.
EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THAT.
I'm sorry for the capslock, but it was necessary. Being irritated by something does not warrant a complaint to the school. And neither does being passive-aggressive about it. That's petty. It's not like I'm saying "I hate religion and I will kill all religious people", because that is WRONG. and I do NOT feel that way. Religion is what makes people say "rape is a gift from god". And don't start arguing about how that's not the religion YOU believe in - that IS a religion, the end.
"You know what's fucked up? The fact that some people need god to be good. Bullshit."
Either the person who reported me was offended by f- and b-, or she's one of those who need god in order to be good. Because there is nothing else to be offended by in this post. I still stand by this, by the way: it's plain ridiculous to claim that morality comes with theism of the Christian variety.
It's quite simple: if you treat a starving man to a meal, then you're obviously being good and kind and you have MORALS.
And who does things like that? Christians. Atheists. Buddhists. In other words, humans in general. And just like that, poof! Your "god-given morality" argument is only so much minuscule dust in the wind.
Everyone has the right to cuss. Everyone has the right to pick holes in horrible arguments. Reporting me for this is petty. Also ridiculous. Very much so.
About cussing online, and school: my school understands that it is ridiculous to expect that all teenagers remain virtuous and speak only in polite terms. Also, in this day and age, cussing has ceased to be taboo, and is now only one of the numerous ways to emphasise your point quickly and rudely - not that it's what my school told me.
Either way - I don't swear in front of teachers. Not once. Ever. I'm serious. I only swear in order to express my extreme exasperation and annoyance, when it would take ten paragraphs to convey the same emotion otherwise.
Do you ever hear anyone say "That's crazy! Not only does that violate every single rule of courtesy, but it also proves that he is a human being who is absurdly unaware of the rules of conduct and is incapable of self-preservation and a complete douchebag with no self-respect! I am amazed at his stupidity and I feel surprisingly angry!"?
No, they say "That's crazy! He's fucked up."
Look, if you have a problem with me, then tell me. What do you think my school's going to do? What CAN my school do? Ask me to delete my account? In which case I'll just make a new one, thank you very much. If you're too pathetic and weak to tell me what you think, then whatever. You have an issue with ME, tell ME about it, not my school. I think that's kind of elementary.
And the anonymity isn't working very well. I've kept both my school name and real name off my facebook - I've never even explicitly stated which country I'm in, so this means that the person was someone who knows me personally, not only as an online persona. Oops! What a narrow list of people.
And here's more details: those two statuses were posted on my account, NOT to a page, NOT to someone else's wall, NOT to a group. If that doesn't scream "personal opinion", then you have more issues than I thought you did. I did NOT mention anyone's name, I did NOT mention any religion, and I did NOT mention a race. That's as vague as anyone can get while remaining coherent.
I don't understand how a vague status about religion and religious people can offend you to such an extent that you feel the need to email my school. In case you didn't know, this is called the internet, and there are worse things than female teenage atheists who think religion is more than very ridiculous. Or was that the swearing? Were vulgarities a little too harsh for your sensitive eyes? Get off the internet! Get a filter!
I don't understand what you're trying to achieve by emailing the school, but I'm afraid that your entire point has been diluted to nothing by passing through a third party. This issue is between YOU and ME, in no way does it involve my school. Get that into your brain, please. You are a ridiculously touchy woman/girl, and this issue is nothing more than an annoying inconvenience.
It DID make me laugh for quite some time, so thanks for that, anyway.
I have no idea how anyone thought that complaining to my school would be a viable solution - hint: it is not. Maybe reporting me to facebook, or messaging me, or something like that, but emailing the school? Oh my, hardcore. Did you think I would be suspended or something for having opinions? Oh I'm sorry, maybe next time when I say that I don't like warm drink. Maybe then you can report me for intolerance of temperature, I don't know.
Full explanation of statuses, because I do not regret posting them, do not regret having those opinions, and I do not regret anything about them, basically, because regret is against my principles of life - regret is a horrible, wimpy, pointless emotion. Also this is why I'm pissed at that female - and not apologetic about offending her. Life offends everyone, my dear.
"I don't know how to tolerate religion, I just get passive-aggressive."
Let me make a little longer: I dislike religion. A lot. I never fail to be irritated by it. The presence of religion makes me angry. (Why it makes me angry, though, would require a post about three times as long as this one to explain.)
Here's the definition of "intolerant": unable or unwilling to endure... unwilling to grant equal right of expression... unwilling to grant/share rights.
Here's the definition of "tolerate": to endure or resist the action of (as a drug or food) without serious side effects or discomfort... to allow to be or to be done without prohibition, hindrance, or contradiction... to put up with.
Now, in case I'm misunderstood (which I fear I already have been), "I don't know how to tolerate religion" means "I don't know how to endure religion", or "I can't put up with religion". Not "I don't know how to grant equal right of expression to religion", or "I don't know how to allow religion to be/to be done without prohibition..." etc.
Simply put: I am irritated by religion. Very much so.
EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THAT.
I'm sorry for the capslock, but it was necessary. Being irritated by something does not warrant a complaint to the school. And neither does being passive-aggressive about it. That's petty. It's not like I'm saying "I hate religion and I will kill all religious people", because that is WRONG. and I do NOT feel that way. Religion is what makes people say "rape is a gift from god". And don't start arguing about how that's not the religion YOU believe in - that IS a religion, the end.
"You know what's fucked up? The fact that some people need god to be good. Bullshit."
Either the person who reported me was offended by f- and b-, or she's one of those who need god in order to be good. Because there is nothing else to be offended by in this post. I still stand by this, by the way: it's plain ridiculous to claim that morality comes with theism of the Christian variety.
It's quite simple: if you treat a starving man to a meal, then you're obviously being good and kind and you have MORALS.
And who does things like that? Christians. Atheists. Buddhists. In other words, humans in general. And just like that, poof! Your "god-given morality" argument is only so much minuscule dust in the wind.
Everyone has the right to cuss. Everyone has the right to pick holes in horrible arguments. Reporting me for this is petty. Also ridiculous. Very much so.
About cussing online, and school: my school understands that it is ridiculous to expect that all teenagers remain virtuous and speak only in polite terms. Also, in this day and age, cussing has ceased to be taboo, and is now only one of the numerous ways to emphasise your point quickly and rudely - not that it's what my school told me.
Either way - I don't swear in front of teachers. Not once. Ever. I'm serious. I only swear in order to express my extreme exasperation and annoyance, when it would take ten paragraphs to convey the same emotion otherwise.
Do you ever hear anyone say "That's crazy! Not only does that violate every single rule of courtesy, but it also proves that he is a human being who is absurdly unaware of the rules of conduct and is incapable of self-preservation and a complete douchebag with no self-respect! I am amazed at his stupidity and I feel surprisingly angry!"?
No, they say "That's crazy! He's fucked up."
22 November 2012
long overdue AFA2012 post
Okay so I went to AFA2012 with Tamara (@i_nom_allday) and Mike (@yatogamikun) (mike is an arse and changes her username like all the time) only on the second day, because my mother had some surgery and basically couldn't get out of bed. Not to sound like an asshole, but I'm pretty sure she could have managed without me for one day.
Anyway, we spent most of the time at the main stage, squished right behind the barrier separating us from the judges, and waited for Kaname - mostly. We schemed and schemed and ran in about forty minutes ahead of schedule just to be at the front. Danny Choo was fun, though, so we didn't waste the forty minutes.
It's important to note that most people - about 99% - utterly fail while cosplaying Allen Walker (D. Gray-Man), presumably because Allen is just too fucking hot. Thus this cosplayer deserves worship.
He was late for an entire hour. During that time, we worked out that half an hour is fashionably late, and to be expected, but an entire hour means that someone somewhere has fucked something up.
Anyway, the regional Cosplay championships - stage lighting, bad photos, nothing much anyway - and the judges. There was a sexy judge called Mikoto, from Taiwan, I think, who shocked everyone when she revealed that she, well, wasn't a she at all. Really sexy, except now I'm not sure how to refer to her. He? She? I'm just so confused. Okay I think he.
And then there's Kaname, who was high enough to do Gangnam Style with Danny Choo. Not only the horsey dance part, but also the wriggle-under-the-other's-legs part. Everyone squealed and started leaping up onto the barrier.
Sorry, only a few shitty photos here. But Kaname looks appropriately high.
There isn't much else, so I'll just dump some pictures over here.
I presume it's some kind of fashion culture/subculture thing, which flew right over the head of yours truly, who sometimes cannot differentiate right and left.
Anyway, we spent most of the time at the main stage, squished right behind the barrier separating us from the judges, and waited for Kaname - mostly. We schemed and schemed and ran in about forty minutes ahead of schedule just to be at the front. Danny Choo was fun, though, so we didn't waste the forty minutes.
 |
| Here's a picture of a sexy Allen. |
It's important to note that most people - about 99% - utterly fail while cosplaying Allen Walker (D. Gray-Man), presumably because Allen is just too fucking hot. Thus this cosplayer deserves worship.
 |
Here's a picture of the sexy Tamara, which I took while waiting for Kaname.
|
He was late for an entire hour. During that time, we worked out that half an hour is fashionably late, and to be expected, but an entire hour means that someone somewhere has fucked something up.
Anyway, the regional Cosplay championships - stage lighting, bad photos, nothing much anyway - and the judges. There was a sexy judge called Mikoto, from Taiwan, I think, who shocked everyone when she revealed that she, well, wasn't a she at all. Really sexy, except now I'm not sure how to refer to her. He? She? I'm just so confused. Okay I think he.
 |
| Just really sexy, okay. (League of Legend's Morgana, apparently.) |
Sorry, only a few shitty photos here. But Kaname looks appropriately high.
 |
| Also here's Reika, who's also sexy as fuck. Also. |
There isn't much else, so I'll just dump some pictures over here.
 |
@hikari_taiyaki's umbrella - no idea who she was cosplaying, though. Must remember to ask her soon.
|
 |
| Whee moar spin |
 |
| What Tamara wore on day one, when I wasn't there... sigh. |
 |
| A wonderful... something?? Just wonderful. Also sexy. |
 |
| moar |
 |
| moar moar |
So... that's it, I guess. I'm done. Unlike my STGCC post, which somehow is unfinished...
17 November 2012
pro-choice is bullshit? okay here's a post for you
*Angry post alert. Post will be reordered and made more coherent later.
I saw a picture on Facebook, and it went along the lines of "like this, save babies, abortion is wrong". You know what's wrong? That post.
First let's talk about not shoving stuff down others's throats. It was a post by a page called "teen swag" (side note: ha ha HA) and I presume that teen swag means something like cool clothes and cute couples and maybe skateboards. I don't know, I don't have swag.
But let's make it clear: most people who liked the page didn't sign up for pictures of fetuses and questions about morality. They signed up for some "swag" - cool things. I think. Work safe things. I'm thinking cute couples kissing and people wearing beanies and colourful chalked hair.
Here's to the page: why don't you get back to posting your swag. Atheist pages post atheist things, godly pages post things about god. Hat pages post about hats!! It's not that hard, you know. If I wanted some pictures of refrigerators I wouldn't go liking shoe pages. If you MUST post about abortion, then post it on your personal account.
Yeah. You know? That's called not being an asshole. If I like a page called "pretty hair", I sure as fuck didn't sign up for porn.
So, dear "teen swag" page, shut the fuck up and get back to posting swag, whatever that is.
So now I'll get around to talking about why pro-choice is called pro-CHOICE.
Simply put, pro-choice is giving people the freedom to CHOOSE. I'm going to give you a pear and an apple. That's pro-choice. If I hand you an apple and tell you that pears are against the law now, that's anti-choice.
Anti-choice, in the case of abortion, is often called "pro-life". Now I'm assuming that "pro-life" means "against abortion except in cases where the mother's life is threatened". That's good. That's called being moderate, and that makes sense.
So how did it become anti-choice? When you chose to enforce it on others. Keep in mind, that's YOUR view. If you accidentally get pregnant, then you'll have the baby, because your life isn't in danger, and you don't like abortions. That's your view, right?
YOUR view.
This starts being anti-choice when you start making others do that as well.
You don't understand? Let's look at it from another point of view.
I think that all accidental pregnancies should be terminated by abortion, as early as possible (I don't actually think that way, but for the sake of debate). That's fine, that's my view. If I accidentally get pregnant, I'm going to abort it. But it starts being stupid when I try to make it a law, doesn't it? You're pregnant? By accident? Here's an abortion to go.
You'd say I was taking away your freedom of choice.
THAT'S IT. THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
When pro-lifers choose to enforce their views by making it a LAW, they are taking away our freedom to choose. Want an abortion? NO.
That's ludicrous, that is. Hey, keep your baby if you want, but I'm not keeping mine. That's none of your business, so stop trying to make it yours.
Pro-choice: keep abortion legal, so that those who want it can get it.
That's it. There is no more. Nothing to deduce. Nothing's hidden. There are no nasty implications or whatever.
Pro-life: make abortion illegal, except when the mother's life is in danger.
That is NOT it. What nasty things are hidden behind this facade of "pro-life"? The fact that if you want an abortion, you can't get it, because their morals stand between you and your vagina.
Pro-choice: want an abortion? Okay, you go get one, but I'M not getting one because I don't believe in abortion.
Pro-life: want an abortion? No, you can't get one, because I don't believe in abortions.
It's that simple.
The part above was for moderates. Here's the reasoning for religious people, or people who think zygotes have souls, or for people ... I don't even know. Anyone who thinks abortion is murder, step right up. This part is for you.
You guys eat apples, right? Apples have seeds, right? An apple seed is to an apple tree what a fetus is to a person. A potential apple tree, a potential person. Both are ready to grow if you give it the chance.
Then agin, you don't campaign to "save apple seeds!", do you?
Souls? A fetus has a soul? Give me a rest! You can shut up about your "souls" bullshit until you hand me proof. And I mean scientific proof, validated by thorough research and experiments. Not the dubious kind of "I died and saw God" proof. That's called delusion, in case you didn't know, or perhaps some kind of scientific phenomena mistaken for god.
Also let me show this all to you in story form, which I heard is much easier for the human brain to digest than abstract things:
A woman gets pregnant by accident, because contraception works 99%, leaving 1% to chance. If she gives birth, she'll have a hard time taking care of the baby. Her life will be thoroughly disrupted. SHE DOES NOT WANT A BABY, DAMMIT. Too bad the doctors think abortion is immoral, oops! Too bad her country thinks abortion is ILLEGAL.
So now she has a baby that she never wanted.
(Side note: I'm getting a little angry here.)
And hey, for those who think no one should ever get an abortion, even in cases of rape, here's something for you: you want to be reminded of your rapist for the next forever? Because that's how long you'll have to deal with that baby!
Punishing the unborn baby for its fathers sins? Bullshit! That "baby" knows nothing right now. That baby has no idea it even exists - if you can euthanise a dog, you can abort a baby. That dog has years of bonds to sever! That baby has none.
The victim does NOT want to deal with this shit! The victim has been raped and now wants this the fuck over with. The victim does not want any bloody lingering trauma! Her body has been violated! She does not want to violate it any further! Shut up about not letting her get an abortion!
Oh, but then sometimes the baby is kept.
We're going back to the normal working woman, who wasn't raped:
Too bad for the baby! The baby gets an unwilling mom, or the baby gets sent off to an orphanage. Living costs are rising! This woman certainly canNOT afford to raise a bloody baby. She scrimps and saves and ends up absolutely miserable! The baby is ruining her life! For the first three years, AT LEAST, she's randomly woken up in the middle of the night, has to deal with baby barf, has to deal with a troublesome child 24/7, has to change nappies, has to feed a baby who sometimes wreck things for no reason.
If you're a pro-lifer who's never had to deal with a baby, shut up right now. Shut up. Your opinion is gone. You are not allowed to tell people keep their baby and then torture themselves. Anyone who's ever helped with a baby before knows this - sometimes you just want to shake the little devil until it shut up, dammit. I'm not even saying that you have to be a mom! Maybe an older sibling old enough to have to deal with the younger sibling! Maybe an uncle!
Maybe a woman who's gone through this two times doesn't want a third baby.
Guess what? Then she should be allowed to NOT have that third baby. She should be allowed to abort a baby that she KNOWS she can't take care off. You think the orphanages aren't crowded enough? You think we need more babies without parents to look out for them? (Don't get me started about not letting homosexuals adopt children!)
I've had enough of this shit!
Making abortion legal means that desperate women won't have to seek out quack doctors! It means having abortions in the relatively safe and controlled environment of a clinic! It means keeping your life in order.
It means that if YOU don't want an abortion, YOU don't have to. It means that if YOUR FRIEND wants an abortion, SHE CAN HAVE ONE.
Oh, but there are more issues to address! Why stop here? We also have women who say "fuck contraceptions" and then get pregnant!
I do admit that it's phenomenally stupid. What about STDs? Because the condom is a contraceptive. But forget STDs, if you don't use contraception, then it's just basically your own fault for getting pregnant! Because for the other "yay contraception" cases, it's only 1%, and some of that 1% just says "oops! But okay, baby. Yay!".
So if you don't use contraception, and you get pregnant, then it's stupid. But fear not! YOU CAN STILL GET THAT ABORTION. Stupid choices, yeah, but you're allowed that abortion! Nowhere does it say that people who make illogical choices can't get abortions.
Basically, choices! People would look down on you if you went for multiple abortions BECAUSE you're still not using contraception, but they HAVE NO GROUNDS to dismiss you. They have to get you an abortion. And that's not taking advantage of the law, by the way. If you want to talk about that, lawyers do that every day.
Actually, I think I'm done here, there's not much else to say.
(There IS a optimal abortion period, I think, so if you go past that you just have to keep the baby.)
(My philosophy has affected this post. I don't want to give birth, I'm going to adopt. Definitely. And I think more people should adopt. Because adoption > giving birth - and shut up about wanting "your own baby". What era is this?! - No nine-month torture, no pain, and you help a kid who doesn't have parents. That's pretty good, if you ask me.)
(Also I admit to finding the huge stomach thing offputting. It's something like, if I poke it, it might burst. It makes me uncomfortable.)
I saw a picture on Facebook, and it went along the lines of "like this, save babies, abortion is wrong". You know what's wrong? That post.
First let's talk about not shoving stuff down others's throats. It was a post by a page called "teen swag" (side note: ha ha HA) and I presume that teen swag means something like cool clothes and cute couples and maybe skateboards. I don't know, I don't have swag.
But let's make it clear: most people who liked the page didn't sign up for pictures of fetuses and questions about morality. They signed up for some "swag" - cool things. I think. Work safe things. I'm thinking cute couples kissing and people wearing beanies and colourful chalked hair.
Here's to the page: why don't you get back to posting your swag. Atheist pages post atheist things, godly pages post things about god. Hat pages post about hats!! It's not that hard, you know. If I wanted some pictures of refrigerators I wouldn't go liking shoe pages. If you MUST post about abortion, then post it on your personal account.
Yeah. You know? That's called not being an asshole. If I like a page called "pretty hair", I sure as fuck didn't sign up for porn.
So, dear "teen swag" page, shut the fuck up and get back to posting swag, whatever that is.
So now I'll get around to talking about why pro-choice is called pro-CHOICE.
Simply put, pro-choice is giving people the freedom to CHOOSE. I'm going to give you a pear and an apple. That's pro-choice. If I hand you an apple and tell you that pears are against the law now, that's anti-choice.
Anti-choice, in the case of abortion, is often called "pro-life". Now I'm assuming that "pro-life" means "against abortion except in cases where the mother's life is threatened". That's good. That's called being moderate, and that makes sense.
So how did it become anti-choice? When you chose to enforce it on others. Keep in mind, that's YOUR view. If you accidentally get pregnant, then you'll have the baby, because your life isn't in danger, and you don't like abortions. That's your view, right?
YOUR view.
This starts being anti-choice when you start making others do that as well.
You don't understand? Let's look at it from another point of view.
I think that all accidental pregnancies should be terminated by abortion, as early as possible (I don't actually think that way, but for the sake of debate). That's fine, that's my view. If I accidentally get pregnant, I'm going to abort it. But it starts being stupid when I try to make it a law, doesn't it? You're pregnant? By accident? Here's an abortion to go.
You'd say I was taking away your freedom of choice.
THAT'S IT. THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
When pro-lifers choose to enforce their views by making it a LAW, they are taking away our freedom to choose. Want an abortion? NO.
That's ludicrous, that is. Hey, keep your baby if you want, but I'm not keeping mine. That's none of your business, so stop trying to make it yours.
Pro-choice: keep abortion legal, so that those who want it can get it.
That's it. There is no more. Nothing to deduce. Nothing's hidden. There are no nasty implications or whatever.
Pro-life: make abortion illegal, except when the mother's life is in danger.
That is NOT it. What nasty things are hidden behind this facade of "pro-life"? The fact that if you want an abortion, you can't get it, because their morals stand between you and your vagina.
Pro-choice: want an abortion? Okay, you go get one, but I'M not getting one because I don't believe in abortion.
Pro-life: want an abortion? No, you can't get one, because I don't believe in abortions.
It's that simple.
The part above was for moderates. Here's the reasoning for religious people, or people who think zygotes have souls, or for people ... I don't even know. Anyone who thinks abortion is murder, step right up. This part is for you.
You guys eat apples, right? Apples have seeds, right? An apple seed is to an apple tree what a fetus is to a person. A potential apple tree, a potential person. Both are ready to grow if you give it the chance.
Then agin, you don't campaign to "save apple seeds!", do you?
Souls? A fetus has a soul? Give me a rest! You can shut up about your "souls" bullshit until you hand me proof. And I mean scientific proof, validated by thorough research and experiments. Not the dubious kind of "I died and saw God" proof. That's called delusion, in case you didn't know, or perhaps some kind of scientific phenomena mistaken for god.
Also let me show this all to you in story form, which I heard is much easier for the human brain to digest than abstract things:
A woman gets pregnant by accident, because contraception works 99%, leaving 1% to chance. If she gives birth, she'll have a hard time taking care of the baby. Her life will be thoroughly disrupted. SHE DOES NOT WANT A BABY, DAMMIT. Too bad the doctors think abortion is immoral, oops! Too bad her country thinks abortion is ILLEGAL.
So now she has a baby that she never wanted.
(Side note: I'm getting a little angry here.)
And hey, for those who think no one should ever get an abortion, even in cases of rape, here's something for you: you want to be reminded of your rapist for the next forever? Because that's how long you'll have to deal with that baby!
Punishing the unborn baby for its fathers sins? Bullshit! That "baby" knows nothing right now. That baby has no idea it even exists - if you can euthanise a dog, you can abort a baby. That dog has years of bonds to sever! That baby has none.
The victim does NOT want to deal with this shit! The victim has been raped and now wants this the fuck over with. The victim does not want any bloody lingering trauma! Her body has been violated! She does not want to violate it any further! Shut up about not letting her get an abortion!
Oh, but then sometimes the baby is kept.
We're going back to the normal working woman, who wasn't raped:
Too bad for the baby! The baby gets an unwilling mom, or the baby gets sent off to an orphanage. Living costs are rising! This woman certainly canNOT afford to raise a bloody baby. She scrimps and saves and ends up absolutely miserable! The baby is ruining her life! For the first three years, AT LEAST, she's randomly woken up in the middle of the night, has to deal with baby barf, has to deal with a troublesome child 24/7, has to change nappies, has to feed a baby who sometimes wreck things for no reason.
If you're a pro-lifer who's never had to deal with a baby, shut up right now. Shut up. Your opinion is gone. You are not allowed to tell people keep their baby and then torture themselves. Anyone who's ever helped with a baby before knows this - sometimes you just want to shake the little devil until it shut up, dammit. I'm not even saying that you have to be a mom! Maybe an older sibling old enough to have to deal with the younger sibling! Maybe an uncle!
Maybe a woman who's gone through this two times doesn't want a third baby.
Guess what? Then she should be allowed to NOT have that third baby. She should be allowed to abort a baby that she KNOWS she can't take care off. You think the orphanages aren't crowded enough? You think we need more babies without parents to look out for them? (Don't get me started about not letting homosexuals adopt children!)
I've had enough of this shit!
Making abortion legal means that desperate women won't have to seek out quack doctors! It means having abortions in the relatively safe and controlled environment of a clinic! It means keeping your life in order.
It means that if YOU don't want an abortion, YOU don't have to. It means that if YOUR FRIEND wants an abortion, SHE CAN HAVE ONE.
Oh, but there are more issues to address! Why stop here? We also have women who say "fuck contraceptions" and then get pregnant!
I do admit that it's phenomenally stupid. What about STDs? Because the condom is a contraceptive. But forget STDs, if you don't use contraception, then it's just basically your own fault for getting pregnant! Because for the other "yay contraception" cases, it's only 1%, and some of that 1% just says "oops! But okay, baby. Yay!".
So if you don't use contraception, and you get pregnant, then it's stupid. But fear not! YOU CAN STILL GET THAT ABORTION. Stupid choices, yeah, but you're allowed that abortion! Nowhere does it say that people who make illogical choices can't get abortions.
Basically, choices! People would look down on you if you went for multiple abortions BECAUSE you're still not using contraception, but they HAVE NO GROUNDS to dismiss you. They have to get you an abortion. And that's not taking advantage of the law, by the way. If you want to talk about that, lawyers do that every day.
Actually, I think I'm done here, there's not much else to say.
(There IS a optimal abortion period, I think, so if you go past that you just have to keep the baby.)
(My philosophy has affected this post. I don't want to give birth, I'm going to adopt. Definitely. And I think more people should adopt. Because adoption > giving birth - and shut up about wanting "your own baby". What era is this?! - No nine-month torture, no pain, and you help a kid who doesn't have parents. That's pretty good, if you ask me.)
(Also I admit to finding the huge stomach thing offputting. It's something like, if I poke it, it might burst. It makes me uncomfortable.)
8 November 2012
that's avoidance not passive-aggressiveness
A lot of things piss me off, but only a few things can ruin my day. Here's one: avoidance.
What do I mean?
Avoidance as in having an issue with something and then pretending that there's nothing. For example, being annoyed by a post, and then venting your frustration on another site. That's the kind I'm talking about.
Why is it annoying? Because it makes no sense. Granted, there are a lot of things that don't make any sense whatsoever, but this is one of the really pointless ones.
If you have something to say, say it. If you're pissed off by something, you don't necessarily have to say "fuck I'm pissed at you", but the least you can do is to let the other party know. The most pointless thing you can do is to keep it to yourself/post your frustration where the other party probably won't see it.
Why? Because nothing's going to be done. If you know the other party IRL, you're kind of obligated to keep friending/following that person, and you're also obligated not to offend him/her. God knows, no one likes strained relationships.
In this case, you either kept your irritation to yourself, or say it out. And you'd better not keep it to yourself and CONTINUE being angry, because that's like poking yourself with a needle. When I refrain from commenting on IRL friends's posts, I put it out of my mind. I'm not going to do anything about THAT, better not keep myself angry. See? Alternatively: I'm not going to do anything about THAT, and I'm going to continue being angry. ANGERRR!!
If it's not an IRL person, or if you're not bothered with petty social media courtesy, then unfriend/unfollow. It's not even that hard.
Bottom line: do something about it, or stop being irritated by it. By all means, continue being pointless and angry, but it ruins my day when I see this sort of stupidity. I mean, do they want to be irritated and angry all day or what? It's not even a nice feeling.
*By "ruining my day", I mean it makes me want to write passive-aggressive posts. This has been a passive-aggressive post. I would gladly show it to that person, if he/she showed any signs of wanting to talk about the issue at all. I don't like starting arguments, because then you're the one who's obligated to continue the line of reasoning, when you're not even the one with the issue.
What do I mean?
Avoidance as in having an issue with something and then pretending that there's nothing. For example, being annoyed by a post, and then venting your frustration on another site. That's the kind I'm talking about.
Why is it annoying? Because it makes no sense. Granted, there are a lot of things that don't make any sense whatsoever, but this is one of the really pointless ones.
If you have something to say, say it. If you're pissed off by something, you don't necessarily have to say "fuck I'm pissed at you", but the least you can do is to let the other party know. The most pointless thing you can do is to keep it to yourself/post your frustration where the other party probably won't see it.
Why? Because nothing's going to be done. If you know the other party IRL, you're kind of obligated to keep friending/following that person, and you're also obligated not to offend him/her. God knows, no one likes strained relationships.
In this case, you either kept your irritation to yourself, or say it out. And you'd better not keep it to yourself and CONTINUE being angry, because that's like poking yourself with a needle. When I refrain from commenting on IRL friends's posts, I put it out of my mind. I'm not going to do anything about THAT, better not keep myself angry. See? Alternatively: I'm not going to do anything about THAT, and I'm going to continue being angry. ANGERRR!!
If it's not an IRL person, or if you're not bothered with petty social media courtesy, then unfriend/unfollow. It's not even that hard.
Bottom line: do something about it, or stop being irritated by it. By all means, continue being pointless and angry, but it ruins my day when I see this sort of stupidity. I mean, do they want to be irritated and angry all day or what? It's not even a nice feeling.
*By "ruining my day", I mean it makes me want to write passive-aggressive posts. This has been a passive-aggressive post. I would gladly show it to that person, if he/she showed any signs of wanting to talk about the issue at all. I don't like starting arguments, because then you're the one who's obligated to continue the line of reasoning, when you're not even the one with the issue.
15 October 2012
*i was going to post this as a comment reply, but it became too long
*if you're looking for those Amanda Todd nudes, go to tumblr. There are a lot of them. Amanda was no angel. Amanda brought it upon herself. Amanda is whiny. (Was whiny??)
This is a comment reply to the comment left by an anon on my post about Amanda Todd.
Dear anon,
*you're
That aside, I fail to see how I have been narrow-minded. I fail to see where I have created scenarios and then presented them as facts.
I feel the need to explain my words, which you seem not to understand.
Viewing this incident from another point of view does not mean that I am narrow-minded. The possibilities that I have examined are mere possibilities, and nowhere is my post do I say that that is exactly what has happened.
"Clear signs of complete lack of understanding to the mentally unstable". Sir, in what way is it "clear" that I have a "complete lack of understanding" of the mentally unstable? Are you qualified to identify and categorize who understands the mentally unstable, and who does not? Sir, please read the following sentence slowly: no one is able to understand those who are mentally ill.
I severely doubt that you yourself understand what the mentality of Amanda Todd was, so please restrain yourself.
I question the authenticity of the story because Amanda Todd herself presented it. As the "victim", she is definitely biased towards her own viewpoint. The video was made for sympathy; it was calculated for maximum emotional impact. Although I question her story by using words like "apparently", I do not say that it is false.
Also, anon, "apparently" is a perfectly acceptable word when one is unable to ascertain the facts.
Suicide is not wrong, in my opinion, but it is extremely selfish. Selfishness is a human instinct. We tend to put ourselves first. There is no need for you to say that you "know" that it is "wrong".
Let me now address your point about the two options that we are left with. We can either "mourn her death and try and use it to eradicate bullying or we can not mourn it and bitch about how selfish she was for killing herself". I must say that those two options are narrow-minded.
Mourning her death has a certain limit. It is tasteless for people who have never known Amanda and will never know Amanda to make posts about what a "wonderful girl" she was. They know nothing about her personality, just as I know nothing about her personality. I merely object to people who pour out useless sympathy to dead people.
All we know are her actions, and her actions don't seem to be very positive. The media glosses over her drug and alcohol abuse, and chooses to capitalize on the tragedy of her young age, and how she was bullied.
This is, anon, is most certainly not using her death to eradicate bullying. I see nothing on twitter about "Amanda Todd RIP. Today I will stop bullying kids and be nice to outcasts", and nothing on facebook about "Amanda Todd's death serves as a chilling warning to us about the effects of bullying. Pledge to stop bullying today! Like this page 'Against Bullying'!".
Instead, social media is flooding with posts about how she was pretty, how she didn't deserve to die, how her bullies should rot in hell (and creating a whole new vicious cycle of verbal abuse).
You are mistaken about this.
We could also "not mourn it and bitch about how selfish she was for killing herself". I have done nothing of the sort. I did not "bitch" about her death, mainly because there was nothing for me to bitch about. Anon, my post was about how I found this incident to be overblown and thoroughly irritating. She's dead, and your sympathy is useless.
I did not say that she was selfish for killing herself. What I emphasized, several times, was the fact that she made very stupid decisions. Her selfish actions have no direct impact on me, hence I mentioned it sparingly. However, I did state in the beginning that this post was a result of the flood of sympathy on social platforms. That affected me, and that is what I was "bitching" about.
I understand how you might be mistaken about the point of my post. The section about Amanda Todd's video is a whole lot longer than the section about useless sympathy for a dead girl.
Dear anon, your inflammatory comment has no substance, and to be honest I am at a loss as to what you wished to convey. Your points were insufficiently explained, and even though I spent quite a few minutes puzzling over what exactly you wanted me to do, and what exactly were your feelings towards this post. I am equally confused about your "childish" comment, and your "that's just my two cents and your welcome to yours".
You're welcome to reply to this.
P.S. There is no need to say that I have touched on "good points" if you don't really think so. Which, as I assume from your first comment, you do not.
This is a comment reply to the comment left by an anon on my post about Amanda Todd.
Dear anon,
*you're
That aside, I fail to see how I have been narrow-minded. I fail to see where I have created scenarios and then presented them as facts.
I feel the need to explain my words, which you seem not to understand.
Viewing this incident from another point of view does not mean that I am narrow-minded. The possibilities that I have examined are mere possibilities, and nowhere is my post do I say that that is exactly what has happened.
"Clear signs of complete lack of understanding to the mentally unstable". Sir, in what way is it "clear" that I have a "complete lack of understanding" of the mentally unstable? Are you qualified to identify and categorize who understands the mentally unstable, and who does not? Sir, please read the following sentence slowly: no one is able to understand those who are mentally ill.
I severely doubt that you yourself understand what the mentality of Amanda Todd was, so please restrain yourself.
I question the authenticity of the story because Amanda Todd herself presented it. As the "victim", she is definitely biased towards her own viewpoint. The video was made for sympathy; it was calculated for maximum emotional impact. Although I question her story by using words like "apparently", I do not say that it is false.
Also, anon, "apparently" is a perfectly acceptable word when one is unable to ascertain the facts.
Suicide is not wrong, in my opinion, but it is extremely selfish. Selfishness is a human instinct. We tend to put ourselves first. There is no need for you to say that you "know" that it is "wrong".
Let me now address your point about the two options that we are left with. We can either "mourn her death and try and use it to eradicate bullying or we can not mourn it and bitch about how selfish she was for killing herself". I must say that those two options are narrow-minded.
Mourning her death has a certain limit. It is tasteless for people who have never known Amanda and will never know Amanda to make posts about what a "wonderful girl" she was. They know nothing about her personality, just as I know nothing about her personality. I merely object to people who pour out useless sympathy to dead people.
All we know are her actions, and her actions don't seem to be very positive. The media glosses over her drug and alcohol abuse, and chooses to capitalize on the tragedy of her young age, and how she was bullied.
This is, anon, is most certainly not using her death to eradicate bullying. I see nothing on twitter about "Amanda Todd RIP. Today I will stop bullying kids and be nice to outcasts", and nothing on facebook about "Amanda Todd's death serves as a chilling warning to us about the effects of bullying. Pledge to stop bullying today! Like this page 'Against Bullying'!".
Instead, social media is flooding with posts about how she was pretty, how she didn't deserve to die, how her bullies should rot in hell (and creating a whole new vicious cycle of verbal abuse).
You are mistaken about this.
We could also "not mourn it and bitch about how selfish she was for killing herself". I have done nothing of the sort. I did not "bitch" about her death, mainly because there was nothing for me to bitch about. Anon, my post was about how I found this incident to be overblown and thoroughly irritating. She's dead, and your sympathy is useless.
I did not say that she was selfish for killing herself. What I emphasized, several times, was the fact that she made very stupid decisions. Her selfish actions have no direct impact on me, hence I mentioned it sparingly. However, I did state in the beginning that this post was a result of the flood of sympathy on social platforms. That affected me, and that is what I was "bitching" about.
I understand how you might be mistaken about the point of my post. The section about Amanda Todd's video is a whole lot longer than the section about useless sympathy for a dead girl.
Dear anon, your inflammatory comment has no substance, and to be honest I am at a loss as to what you wished to convey. Your points were insufficiently explained, and even though I spent quite a few minutes puzzling over what exactly you wanted me to do, and what exactly were your feelings towards this post. I am equally confused about your "childish" comment, and your "that's just my two cents and your welcome to yours".
You're welcome to reply to this.
P.S. There is no need to say that I have touched on "good points" if you don't really think so. Which, as I assume from your first comment, you do not.
14 October 2012
a short post about amanda todd
*it was supposed to be a short post, but then it became really long.
*if you're looking for compromising pictures of Amanda Todd, go to tumblr. There are more than a lot of compromising photos. Amanda was no angel.
First of all, I'm writing this because I'm irritated. Twitter and Facebook were flooded with sympathy and pity and "she's so pretty, she didn't deserve to die" and WHAT THE FUCK.
This is a video that she posted on the 7th of September this year:
Her story was that during seventh grade, she went online and chatted with strangers over webcam. The strangers called her "beautiful", "perfect", and asked her to flash them. Apparently, a year later, she did.
I'm not sure what came over her, but it's an understandable thing - she was flattered and she felt like she had to reciprocate. Let's skip over this.
Another year later, the guy that she flashed sent her a message on facebook, telling her that if she didn't put on a show for him, then he'd send the pictures to all her friends and relatives. It seemed that he knew all about her - address, school, personal information.
This is creepy, and she should have asked for help. Then again, it's hard to ask for help when 'help' requires you to reveal to everyone that you've flashed someone. So let's skip over this too.
Apparently she didn't "put on a show for him", so during christmas break, the police arrived at her door and she found out that all her friends had received the picture.
(I'm slightly confused - why would the police go to her house for this?)
Then she became a wreck, apparently. She had anxiety issues, major depression, and panic disorder. She took drugs and alcohol. Her anxiety got worse, and several times, she emphasizes that she couldn't go outside because of it. She changed school twice, but the bullying continued. At some time during the video she tells us that she overdosed on her anti-depressants.
The stupidity starts here. She had issues, which was fine. She took drugs and alcohol, which was not fine. At that point of time she would've been fifteen or fourteen. Drugs and alcohol? I'm not sure where she got them, but it couldn't have been easy. Unless she's talking about prescription drugs, which she can get from her own house, and alcohol like common beer, which, again, her house probably has.
My question is that where were her parents? Not very easy to hide the symptoms of a hangover. And if she's actually depressed enough to be doing drugs and taking alcohol, then she wouldn't be taking small doses. Nowhere in the video were her parents "there for her". (She mentioned that she moved to her mother's place, and that her dad found her once after she was bullied, but nothing else.)
Another year later, the guy that she flashed found her again, and made a facebook page. Her nude was his profile picture. She started cutting.
At fifteen orsixteen (sorry, she was fifteen) years of age, she started cutting? Very self-destructive behaviour, isn't it? Not a very clever choice.
Then she started talking to one of her male friends from her original school, and he told her that "my gf's on vacation", and that she should go over. From what it sounded like, they had sex, and she thought that he really liked her.
Let's make this clear. She was still haunted by the 'flashing' incident and its consequences. And she was fine with having sex with a boy. Who had a girlfriend.
Then a group of girls and boys from her original school found her - the boy, the boy's girlfriend, and fifteen others. They said "look around, no one likes you" in front of apparently 50 people from her newest school. Then someone else said "just punch her already", so Amanda was pushed down and punched.
At that point, she lied and covered for the boy, because she thought that he liked her.
I'm not sure to whom, but she covered for him after he was in the group of people who sought her out and bullied her. Clever idea. Not.
She hid in a ditch until her dad found her. When she got home she drank bleach.
If she was going to commit suicide, then I don't think bleach is going to do it. It was a phenomenally stupid decision to drink bleach - she's not going to die from it, so her problems aren't going to end; it's not going to make her drunk, so she's not going to forget about her problems.
One thing that I really loathe is half-hearted suicide attempts. Suicide is important. It could potentially end your problems, but it could also turn you into a brain-dead vegetable if done wrongly. Of course, I'm not advocating suicide as a solution, because it's a stupid solution.
Amanda was then brought to the hospital. When she got home she saw that people were making fun of her again, on facebook, saying things like "I hope she's dead" and "she deserved it". Then she moved to her mother's place.
We should understand that the taunts were from childish, immature students, and Amanda, having been online for years, should have understood that too. Hell, she should've known that that's how the internet generally responds to a unsuccessful suicide attempt. That's how the internet responds to everyone.
Another six months pass. The bleach taunts continue. She doesn't understand she "gets this", why they're still following her -
Wait a second. She doesn't understand? Was she or was she not chatting to strangers when she was twelve/thirteen? Did she or did she not flash someone? It's been like three years. She doesn't understand how ugly the internet is? This isn't the what she should be saying. What she should be saying is: why was I so stupid when I was younger? Now the older me has to deal with this shit. I hate life.
She cries "constantly", cuts "constantly", and didn't go outside or meet anyone because of her anxiety issues. A month before the video she overdosed on her anti-depressants despite being counselled.
Now I present to you two screenshots from the video, and one screenshot of the video's description:
"she's so pretty she didn't deserve to die"
Are you saying that she didn't deserve to die because she was pretty? Are you saying that if she was ugly then it would be okay for her to die? Whether or not she's pretty has nothing to do with the fact that she killed herself.
I don't know what these people mean by it, and I'm not sure they themselves know. Because complimenting a dead girl doesn't help anyone. I mean, you could say it to her mother. Her mother might feel better. But you didn't say it to her parents, you said it to the stone-cold internet.
This entire thing is overrated. There's nothing to learn from Amanda Todd's story, except:
1. If you spread nude photos of a girl around, then she might commit suicide
2. If you commit suicide and you receive media coverage then everyone will be nice to your corpse
Seriously.
Now that I think of it, the entire thing's pretty pathetic. It's evident that she brought it down upon herself, but the media plays it like a sob story because it's not very popular to criticize a dead girl. And everyone else starts tweeting about her.
Why don't you go and be nice to people around you, or just continue on with your hypocritical life. I don't think Amanda's corpse appreciates your sympathy. I mean, if you knew her then you should have been nice to her when she was still alive. If you didn't know her then all you should be feeling is a slight regret that this world drove another teen to suicide.
People commit suicide every day. The only difference is media coverage. Your sympathy for a dead girl is stupid when there are people who are alive around you.
*if you're looking for compromising pictures of Amanda Todd, go to tumblr. There are more than a lot of compromising photos. Amanda was no angel.
First of all, I'm writing this because I'm irritated. Twitter and Facebook were flooded with sympathy and pity and "she's so pretty, she didn't deserve to die" and WHAT THE FUCK.
This is a video that she posted on the 7th of September this year:
Her story was that during seventh grade, she went online and chatted with strangers over webcam. The strangers called her "beautiful", "perfect", and asked her to flash them. Apparently, a year later, she did.
I'm not sure what came over her, but it's an understandable thing - she was flattered and she felt like she had to reciprocate. Let's skip over this.
Another year later, the guy that she flashed sent her a message on facebook, telling her that if she didn't put on a show for him, then he'd send the pictures to all her friends and relatives. It seemed that he knew all about her - address, school, personal information.
This is creepy, and she should have asked for help. Then again, it's hard to ask for help when 'help' requires you to reveal to everyone that you've flashed someone. So let's skip over this too.
Apparently she didn't "put on a show for him", so during christmas break, the police arrived at her door and she found out that all her friends had received the picture.
(I'm slightly confused - why would the police go to her house for this?)
Then she became a wreck, apparently. She had anxiety issues, major depression, and panic disorder. She took drugs and alcohol. Her anxiety got worse, and several times, she emphasizes that she couldn't go outside because of it. She changed school twice, but the bullying continued. At some time during the video she tells us that she overdosed on her anti-depressants.
The stupidity starts here. She had issues, which was fine. She took drugs and alcohol, which was not fine. At that point of time she would've been fifteen or fourteen. Drugs and alcohol? I'm not sure where she got them, but it couldn't have been easy. Unless she's talking about prescription drugs, which she can get from her own house, and alcohol like common beer, which, again, her house probably has.
My question is that where were her parents? Not very easy to hide the symptoms of a hangover. And if she's actually depressed enough to be doing drugs and taking alcohol, then she wouldn't be taking small doses. Nowhere in the video were her parents "there for her". (She mentioned that she moved to her mother's place, and that her dad found her once after she was bullied, but nothing else.)
Another year later, the guy that she flashed found her again, and made a facebook page. Her nude was his profile picture. She started cutting.
At fifteen or
Then she started talking to one of her male friends from her original school, and he told her that "my gf's on vacation", and that she should go over. From what it sounded like, they had sex, and she thought that he really liked her.
Let's make this clear. She was still haunted by the 'flashing' incident and its consequences. And she was fine with having sex with a boy. Who had a girlfriend.
Then a group of girls and boys from her original school found her - the boy, the boy's girlfriend, and fifteen others. They said "look around, no one likes you" in front of apparently 50 people from her newest school. Then someone else said "just punch her already", so Amanda was pushed down and punched.
At that point, she lied and covered for the boy, because she thought that he liked her.
I'm not sure to whom, but she covered for him after he was in the group of people who sought her out and bullied her. Clever idea. Not.
She hid in a ditch until her dad found her. When she got home she drank bleach.
If she was going to commit suicide, then I don't think bleach is going to do it. It was a phenomenally stupid decision to drink bleach - she's not going to die from it, so her problems aren't going to end; it's not going to make her drunk, so she's not going to forget about her problems.
One thing that I really loathe is half-hearted suicide attempts. Suicide is important. It could potentially end your problems, but it could also turn you into a brain-dead vegetable if done wrongly. Of course, I'm not advocating suicide as a solution, because it's a stupid solution.
Amanda was then brought to the hospital. When she got home she saw that people were making fun of her again, on facebook, saying things like "I hope she's dead" and "she deserved it". Then she moved to her mother's place.
We should understand that the taunts were from childish, immature students, and Amanda, having been online for years, should have understood that too. Hell, she should've known that that's how the internet generally responds to a unsuccessful suicide attempt. That's how the internet responds to everyone.
Another six months pass. The bleach taunts continue. She doesn't understand she "gets this", why they're still following her -
Wait a second. She doesn't understand? Was she or was she not chatting to strangers when she was twelve/thirteen? Did she or did she not flash someone? It's been like three years. She doesn't understand how ugly the internet is? This isn't the what she should be saying. What she should be saying is: why was I so stupid when I was younger? Now the older me has to deal with this shit. I hate life.
She cries "constantly", cuts "constantly", and didn't go outside or meet anyone because of her anxiety issues. A month before the video she overdosed on her anti-depressants despite being counselled.
Now I present to you two screenshots from the video, and one screenshot of the video's description:
I'm not sure what she thinks she means by "to be an inspiration". She included a picture of what I assumed was her own forearm - bleeding from various self-inflicted cuts. This is how the video ends. In her defense, there was a picture of an upside-down forearm with the words "stay strong" or something tattooed on it.
Then again, "everyones future will be bright one day". I'm not sure what she means, because her video does not show that. At all.
Also grammatical errors and such throughout the video. I mean, I understand, I guess. She was so depressed that she couldn't do much, so obviously her studies would suffer.
A summary of what I feel about her and her story: she was stupid to flash someone, but some asshole decided to blackmail her, and spread her photo around, and then she became depressed and made other stupid decisions. She didn't deserve to die, but she also doesn't deserve that much sympathy. She had to face the consequences of her actions, and she couldn't.
OH WAIT. I forgot. Apparently her severe anxiety issues didn't stop her from making a video of herself singing. Some weird anxiety issues, huh. Strangely exclusive.
What I feel about people who make posts about how it's sad and how RIP!! you'll be in our hearts forever and such: stupid.
Are you saying that she didn't deserve to die because she was pretty? Are you saying that if she was ugly then it would be okay for her to die? Whether or not she's pretty has nothing to do with the fact that she killed herself.
I don't know what these people mean by it, and I'm not sure they themselves know. Because complimenting a dead girl doesn't help anyone. I mean, you could say it to her mother. Her mother might feel better. But you didn't say it to her parents, you said it to the stone-cold internet.
This entire thing is overrated. There's nothing to learn from Amanda Todd's story, except:
1. If you spread nude photos of a girl around, then she might commit suicide
2. If you commit suicide and you receive media coverage then everyone will be nice to your corpse
Seriously.
Now that I think of it, the entire thing's pretty pathetic. It's evident that she brought it down upon herself, but the media plays it like a sob story because it's not very popular to criticize a dead girl. And everyone else starts tweeting about her.
Why don't you go and be nice to people around you, or just continue on with your hypocritical life. I don't think Amanda's corpse appreciates your sympathy. I mean, if you knew her then you should have been nice to her when she was still alive. If you didn't know her then all you should be feeling is a slight regret that this world drove another teen to suicide.
People commit suicide every day. The only difference is media coverage. Your sympathy for a dead girl is stupid when there are people who are alive around you.
16 September 2012
DL LINK Cleanero
Cleanero is a collaboration between Clear and Nero. By god, their voices are amazing.
Here are the motherfucking crossfades for each album:
First Contact
Second Impact
Third Invitation
Those are the three albums (or mini-albums? I give up) that they've collaborated on.
Does anyone else think that it's wonderfully organized of them to name their albums "first", "second", and "third" respectively? It's so neat. Unf, *faints from the sheer ocd-ness*
Anyway:
First Contact
Second Impact
Third Invitation
/EDIT/: I SHIP THEM OMFG ASDFGHKL
Here are the motherfucking crossfades for each album:
First Contact
Second Impact
Third Invitation
Those are the three albums (or mini-albums? I give up) that they've collaborated on.
Does anyone else think that it's wonderfully organized of them to name their albums "first", "second", and "third" respectively? It's so neat. Unf, *faints from the sheer ocd-ness*
Anyway:
First Contact
Second Impact
Third Invitation
/EDIT/: I SHIP THEM OMFG ASDFGHKL
13 September 2012
Existential Crisis?
I recently came across a link somewhere, somehow, and suddenly remembered my bout of existential crisis a while ago. (Also this, and this, and maybe this too.)
*What follows is a very long narrative that talks about my life, because I really love myself. It is rambly and semi-coherent.
A year ago (or something like that, my grasp of time has never been very good) I decided to stop being afraid of horror movies and things like that. Mainly because it was such a pain to be so terrified of peeing in the middle of the night.
I thought things through, and realised that I couldn't do anything to stop my death anyway, so I'd much rather just say "Okay, I won't struggle. How about you kill me quickly and painlessly? Thank you, by the way." I was also rather comforted by the fact that after death comes nothing, because you wink out (I'm an atheist, and I think Heaven is hugely overrated. Also Heaven is a concept that will never work properly.)
The peeing problem was solved, but then came along other problems.
For one: why am I okay with being killed?
If I were to be killed one night, then I would have accomplished nothing, changed nothing, and done nothing meaningful. My life would have as much impact as an ant... to a human. In essence, I started thinking about how pointless life was.
Specifically, about the stupidity of the world in general.
I have a way of thinking that I like to call the "ultimate goals and the constraints" way of thinking, because then everything becomes very clear. You have a goal, and you think of a way to achieve it, and along the way there are constraints.
For example, you want exceptional marks on a test (goal) and you come to the realisation that cheating is the easiest way to do that (how to achieve goal). However, you also know that if you're caught, then things would become very sticky and unpleasant (constraint). Therefore, you either study - and forget about cheating - or make a plan to ensure that your act of dishonesty is never found out.
That's how I do things, but unfortunately other people don't function that way. You see, I do things in a very logical way - and some people say that's cold or unfeeling, or simply not how things work - but all in all it's the best way to think. Because even making a cup of coffee is a goal. My way of thinking eliminates all those messy emotional things that screws up everything they touch.
This way of thinking also partially tears down the system. In Asia, we have this complex about our parents. For the most part, we obey our parents (besides the fact that they house us, feed us, tolerate us, we've also been raised to behave that way). And when we don't obey our parents, when we don't defer to them, we feel this annoying squiggle of guilt.
Maybe you want to go to a friend's house for something, but your parents say no. Whatever you do, they still remain firm, so after a little while you just kind of give up because parents are just such phenomenally annoying creatures.
What I do with my parents is a very different kind of thing. The first thing I do when they say no is to ask them why. And if they refuse to tell me why, then I'll say something along the lines of there's absolutely no reason for you to deny this information. And there really isn't. No means no, right? So it shouldn't matter if they tell you why not. Unless they don't have a proper reason.
Now, after they tell me why - because they're worried about my safety, for example - I come up with ways to make these issues become nonexistent. If they worried, then they can drive me there. If not, I'll take public transport. And the bus trip to my friend's house is shorter than the bus trip to my school, so it's ridiculous to claim that going to my friend's house isn't safe while going to school is. And as a last resort, I tell them that I'll ask my friend's mother to give them a call.
I fail to see how they can still refuse to let me go after all that.
I've told this story to some of my friends, and quite a few of them claim that that doesn't happen in their house, because when their parents say no, it's no. And I tell them that I see no reason why stupid societal norms should get in the way of what you want (which is quite harmless). Then they tell me that it doesn't happen because they respect their parents/it just works that way in their family.
This is a very important thing to take note of, because my way of thinking is very straightforward and not hindered by social norms. I push and push with logic until they're in a corner and they have to give me what I want because that's how logic works. You can't deny logic. If it turns out that there is absolutely no reason for my parents to forbid me from going somewhere, then it would look pretty bad for them if they just said NO. BECAUSE NO. They would come across as unreasonable and unpleasant human beings.
This lead me to an epiphany, I suppose. I realised that most people just go fine, I give. They do that not because logic isn't on their side. They do that because of stupid reasons - their parents are intimidating. Authority is intimidating.
What they don't realise is that they can argue while seeming very polite. (This can be solved with my special way of thinking: whatever they want is their goal, the constraint/problem is the unreasonable asshole that says no, so to get rid of the constraint you pretend to be polite and demure and wriggle around until you get your way.)
I was very frustrated with this for a long time. I basically went around advocating that we should speak up even if the inbred fear of authority tries to prevent us from doing that. And I found that not many people wanted to do that.
Why?
I don't know. I literally don't know. Maybe if someone explained it to me then I would understand on an intellectual level, but emotionally I feel none of it.
Let's go back to existential crises for a while. According to the article, it stems from four major issues: death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness.
Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?
This frustration that I felt was something like isolation. I went around feeling really misunderstood; I went around feeling that I was misunderstanding. No one else thought like me and no one wanted to think like me. I felt that maybe they were incapable of thinking like me. Maybe I was a deformity. During that time I continually felt like I was standing still, alone in the whirling mess of the world. And no one cared; they simply went about their own business.
I was phenomenally confused. I just couldn't understand, and eventually I decided not to understand. Which, really, just further helped that isolation bit along.
Then I went back to thinking about horror movies and death. And again I asked myself: am I fine with dying without accomplishing anything? Everyone goes on about how someone's life was "tragically cut short" and I wondered what would happen if my life was "tragically cut short" too.
Somewhere in that wondering business, I realised that I would most probably accomplish nothing before I die anyway. And I realised that I was edging towards death every single day, and I only knew two languages and have only been to two countries. And my younger self thought that it was horribly sad.
My younger self essentially thought that I was old. And somehow, for a few months, I limped around feeling sorry for myself. I felt no inclination to do anything, and everything made my head hurt. I wanted to curl up on my bed and die, because I felt that facing the world and trying to do something worth doing was just too futile.
Thus, having fulfilled two out of the four, my younger self was swamped in this gigantic quagmire of self-pity and depression. Also existential crisis. I couldn't figure out just what the fuck I was here for. I wasn't even particularly good at anything. Okay, all right, maybe my English was better than my peers at the time, but even then I wasn't good enough. Which made me even more depressed.
Why had I been born? I started thinking that maybe it would've been better if I'd never been born, if I'd never known the stress of simply being alive. I started feeling all blank - all I could respond with was "okay" and more "okay"s. I just couldn't find it in myself to continue living. What was the point? What can I do? What can anybody do?
Eventually I got out of it, but those thoughts never really went away.
Which was the third issue - meaninglessness.
You might want to know how I dealt with it, but I can't tell you because I didn't. I didn't deal with that pesky issue of existential crisis at all. I'm just trying to actively ignore it. Which doesn't work very well, which explains my bouts of melancholy, which doesn't matter anyway.
I actually don't know if I care
Okay what the fuck I know I actually care
Then again it's terribly tiring so maybe I should stop
Okay whatever
Sometimes I try to enjoy things, and then out of nowhere Existential Crisis pops up again to say hi. My internal monologue goes fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, and I go to the fridge.
I don't actually know if this post has a meaning anymore. It's just a semi-coherent bunch of words about how I, at age fourteen, somehow managed to feel like I've hit my midlife crisis. Then again, if I solve this existential crisis shit, then I won't have to worry about midlife crisis. I tend to stick to what I've decided.
Anyway, my conclusion is that solving this existential crisis isn't at all a pressing issue for me. It does make me feel shitty sometimes (actually at night it hijacks my brain and makes me curl up into a ball of misery) and gives me headaches sometimes, but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring things. Also you don't need to know the meaning of life to be happy. (For the most part.) The actual important thing is to not spiral into depression, which is !!! a pressing issue. Definitely.
*What follows is a very long narrative that talks about my life, because I really love myself. It is rambly and semi-coherent.
A year ago (or something like that, my grasp of time has never been very good) I decided to stop being afraid of horror movies and things like that. Mainly because it was such a pain to be so terrified of peeing in the middle of the night.
I thought things through, and realised that I couldn't do anything to stop my death anyway, so I'd much rather just say "Okay, I won't struggle. How about you kill me quickly and painlessly? Thank you, by the way." I was also rather comforted by the fact that after death comes nothing, because you wink out (I'm an atheist, and I think Heaven is hugely overrated. Also Heaven is a concept that will never work properly.)
The peeing problem was solved, but then came along other problems.
For one: why am I okay with being killed?
If I were to be killed one night, then I would have accomplished nothing, changed nothing, and done nothing meaningful. My life would have as much impact as an ant... to a human. In essence, I started thinking about how pointless life was.
Specifically, about the stupidity of the world in general.
I have a way of thinking that I like to call the "ultimate goals and the constraints" way of thinking, because then everything becomes very clear. You have a goal, and you think of a way to achieve it, and along the way there are constraints.
For example, you want exceptional marks on a test (goal) and you come to the realisation that cheating is the easiest way to do that (how to achieve goal). However, you also know that if you're caught, then things would become very sticky and unpleasant (constraint). Therefore, you either study - and forget about cheating - or make a plan to ensure that your act of dishonesty is never found out.
That's how I do things, but unfortunately other people don't function that way. You see, I do things in a very logical way - and some people say that's cold or unfeeling, or simply not how things work - but all in all it's the best way to think. Because even making a cup of coffee is a goal. My way of thinking eliminates all those messy emotional things that screws up everything they touch.
This way of thinking also partially tears down the system. In Asia, we have this complex about our parents. For the most part, we obey our parents (besides the fact that they house us, feed us, tolerate us, we've also been raised to behave that way). And when we don't obey our parents, when we don't defer to them, we feel this annoying squiggle of guilt.
Maybe you want to go to a friend's house for something, but your parents say no. Whatever you do, they still remain firm, so after a little while you just kind of give up because parents are just such phenomenally annoying creatures.
What I do with my parents is a very different kind of thing. The first thing I do when they say no is to ask them why. And if they refuse to tell me why, then I'll say something along the lines of there's absolutely no reason for you to deny this information. And there really isn't. No means no, right? So it shouldn't matter if they tell you why not. Unless they don't have a proper reason.
Now, after they tell me why - because they're worried about my safety, for example - I come up with ways to make these issues become nonexistent. If they worried, then they can drive me there. If not, I'll take public transport. And the bus trip to my friend's house is shorter than the bus trip to my school, so it's ridiculous to claim that going to my friend's house isn't safe while going to school is. And as a last resort, I tell them that I'll ask my friend's mother to give them a call.
I fail to see how they can still refuse to let me go after all that.
I've told this story to some of my friends, and quite a few of them claim that that doesn't happen in their house, because when their parents say no, it's no. And I tell them that I see no reason why stupid societal norms should get in the way of what you want (which is quite harmless). Then they tell me that it doesn't happen because they respect their parents/it just works that way in their family.
This is a very important thing to take note of, because my way of thinking is very straightforward and not hindered by social norms. I push and push with logic until they're in a corner and they have to give me what I want because that's how logic works. You can't deny logic. If it turns out that there is absolutely no reason for my parents to forbid me from going somewhere, then it would look pretty bad for them if they just said NO. BECAUSE NO. They would come across as unreasonable and unpleasant human beings.
This lead me to an epiphany, I suppose. I realised that most people just go fine, I give. They do that not because logic isn't on their side. They do that because of stupid reasons - their parents are intimidating. Authority is intimidating.
What they don't realise is that they can argue while seeming very polite. (This can be solved with my special way of thinking: whatever they want is their goal, the constraint/problem is the unreasonable asshole that says no, so to get rid of the constraint you pretend to be polite and demure and wriggle around until you get your way.)
I was very frustrated with this for a long time. I basically went around advocating that we should speak up even if the inbred fear of authority tries to prevent us from doing that. And I found that not many people wanted to do that.
Why?
I don't know. I literally don't know. Maybe if someone explained it to me then I would understand on an intellectual level, but emotionally I feel none of it.
Let's go back to existential crises for a while. According to the article, it stems from four major issues: death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness.
Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?
This frustration that I felt was something like isolation. I went around feeling really misunderstood; I went around feeling that I was misunderstanding. No one else thought like me and no one wanted to think like me. I felt that maybe they were incapable of thinking like me. Maybe I was a deformity. During that time I continually felt like I was standing still, alone in the whirling mess of the world. And no one cared; they simply went about their own business.
I was phenomenally confused. I just couldn't understand, and eventually I decided not to understand. Which, really, just further helped that isolation bit along.
Then I went back to thinking about horror movies and death. And again I asked myself: am I fine with dying without accomplishing anything? Everyone goes on about how someone's life was "tragically cut short" and I wondered what would happen if my life was "tragically cut short" too.
Somewhere in that wondering business, I realised that I would most probably accomplish nothing before I die anyway. And I realised that I was edging towards death every single day, and I only knew two languages and have only been to two countries. And my younger self thought that it was horribly sad.
My younger self essentially thought that I was old. And somehow, for a few months, I limped around feeling sorry for myself. I felt no inclination to do anything, and everything made my head hurt. I wanted to curl up on my bed and die, because I felt that facing the world and trying to do something worth doing was just too futile.
Thus, having fulfilled two out of the four, my younger self was swamped in this gigantic quagmire of self-pity and depression. Also existential crisis. I couldn't figure out just what the fuck I was here for. I wasn't even particularly good at anything. Okay, all right, maybe my English was better than my peers at the time, but even then I wasn't good enough. Which made me even more depressed.
Why had I been born? I started thinking that maybe it would've been better if I'd never been born, if I'd never known the stress of simply being alive. I started feeling all blank - all I could respond with was "okay" and more "okay"s. I just couldn't find it in myself to continue living. What was the point? What can I do? What can anybody do?
Eventually I got out of it, but those thoughts never really went away.
Which was the third issue - meaninglessness.
You might want to know how I dealt with it, but I can't tell you because I didn't. I didn't deal with that pesky issue of existential crisis at all. I'm just trying to actively ignore it. Which doesn't work very well, which explains my bouts of melancholy, which doesn't matter anyway.
I actually don't know if I care
Okay what the fuck I know I actually care
Then again it's terribly tiring so maybe I should stop
Okay whatever
Sometimes I try to enjoy things, and then out of nowhere Existential Crisis pops up again to say hi. My internal monologue goes fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, and I go to the fridge.
I don't actually know if this post has a meaning anymore. It's just a semi-coherent bunch of words about how I, at age fourteen, somehow managed to feel like I've hit my midlife crisis. Then again, if I solve this existential crisis shit, then I won't have to worry about midlife crisis. I tend to stick to what I've decided.
Anyway, my conclusion is that solving this existential crisis isn't at all a pressing issue for me. It does make me feel shitty sometimes (actually at night it hijacks my brain and makes me curl up into a ball of misery) and gives me headaches sometimes, but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring things. Also you don't need to know the meaning of life to be happy. (For the most part.) The actual important thing is to not spiral into depression, which is !!! a pressing issue. Definitely.
12 September 2012
Mmm this is to celebrate my GPA
Fic!! Parody fic!!
Summary: Two fangirls traipse through the D. Gray-Man universe and attempt to seduce their favourite characters, which unfortunately does not work because the aforementioned characters are gay. Slashy slash!
START:
“Is this not wonderful, my friend?” The girl wore a black shirt over black shorts over a black pair of shoes. “I SAY, IS THIS NOT WONDERFUL??”
Her companion, a slightly shorter girl who wore neon-coloured clothes, promptly whacked her on the head. With the pavement.
“Ow,” the first girl said, picking herself up from the ground. “You didn’t have to do that,” she said accusingly, brushing dust off herself. “Now my clothes are screwed, and I can’t hug Allen.”
“You’re not hugging Allen anyway, because you stand out painfully and will probably get stoned to death. No one wears shorts here. Well, except for whores. Or Rhode. Possibly Rhode, but I can’t remember.” The second girl stared at her friend for a few seconds. “Hm, good clothes for whoring, those.” She pointed at her friend.
The girl dressed in black scowled before going off to steal some appropriate clothes.
--
“I didn’t have money,” she protested indignantly. “How do I get clothes if I don’t have money? Of course I had to steal these. And don’t bother being righteous, you stole clothes too. And candy.”
The girl dressed in neon looked down to find that she was dressed in drab, beige clothing instead. “Huh,” she said. “But sweets are nice.”
The other girl rolled her eyes. “So how do we find the Black Order.”
“… Pretend to be akuma?”
“… And have Kanda slice us in two? No, idiot.”
--
“I’m not sure that playing poker is the best idea.”
“Shush, ye who disbelieves. Allen will save us soon.” The girl who formerly wore hooker clothes jabbed her friend in the stomach with an elbow.
There was a groan, then the girl’s cards slipped from her fingers to lie face-up on the table.
“Great,” an anonymous man muttered, “Now we gotta reshuffle and redeal the cards and everything.”
The post-hooker-clothes girl stared at her unconscious friend. ”I WAS WINNING, YOU IDIOT!!”
--
“Yes, we are trying to find the Black Order. Could you please direct us towards the headquarters?”
“… This is the Noah family headquarters.”
--
Tyki prayed that Skin wouldn’t visit the house today because all the sugar had been removed from the kitchen.
“PREPARE FOR BATTLE, MY MINIONS!!”
He let the sugar-high girl pass through him and hit the wall behind him. There was a reason that he tolerated Rhode and Lulu, with all their bitchiness. Now he remembered. Anything was better than this.
Tyki wondered if there were any akuma around. The more the better.
--
“Okay I didn’t know I had Innocence or something. I thought we were just gonna be some normal humans.”
Her friend stared at the smoking remains of akuma lying around in a circle around them. Then she turned to look at her friend-who-formerly-wore-black-clothes's white, waving hair.
“Please don’t tell me that the Innocence is in your hair,” she begged, feeling faint.
“Actually, it's in my blood.”
-Fade to black-
--
“Okay I didn’t know I had a Noah inside me or something. I thought we were just gonna be some normal humans.”
“I’m not normal, I have Innocence,” her friend proclaimed proudly.
“I’m not normal either, I’m a Noah,” she snapped, throwing a cleaver at her friend.
--
“Is that moaning I hear?”
“Yes indeedy.”
“Is that Tyki and Allen moaning I hear?”
“Yes ma’am.”
--
A/N: And that was the end. Not really. I'm not done with this crackfic. But this is all I have right now.
Summary: Two fangirls traipse through the D. Gray-Man universe and attempt to seduce their favourite characters, which unfortunately does not work because the aforementioned characters are gay. Slashy slash!
START:
“Is this not wonderful, my friend?” The girl wore a black shirt over black shorts over a black pair of shoes. “I SAY, IS THIS NOT WONDERFUL??”
Her companion, a slightly shorter girl who wore neon-coloured clothes, promptly whacked her on the head. With the pavement.
“Ow,” the first girl said, picking herself up from the ground. “You didn’t have to do that,” she said accusingly, brushing dust off herself. “Now my clothes are screwed, and I can’t hug Allen.”
“You’re not hugging Allen anyway, because you stand out painfully and will probably get stoned to death. No one wears shorts here. Well, except for whores. Or Rhode. Possibly Rhode, but I can’t remember.” The second girl stared at her friend for a few seconds. “Hm, good clothes for whoring, those.” She pointed at her friend.
The girl dressed in black scowled before going off to steal some appropriate clothes.
--
“I didn’t have money,” she protested indignantly. “How do I get clothes if I don’t have money? Of course I had to steal these. And don’t bother being righteous, you stole clothes too. And candy.”
The girl dressed in neon looked down to find that she was dressed in drab, beige clothing instead. “Huh,” she said. “But sweets are nice.”
The other girl rolled her eyes. “So how do we find the Black Order.”
“… Pretend to be akuma?”
“… And have Kanda slice us in two? No, idiot.”
--
“I’m not sure that playing poker is the best idea.”
“Shush, ye who disbelieves. Allen will save us soon.” The girl who formerly wore hooker clothes jabbed her friend in the stomach with an elbow.
There was a groan, then the girl’s cards slipped from her fingers to lie face-up on the table.
“Great,” an anonymous man muttered, “Now we gotta reshuffle and redeal the cards and everything.”
The post-hooker-clothes girl stared at her unconscious friend. ”I WAS WINNING, YOU IDIOT!!”
--
“Yes, we are trying to find the Black Order. Could you please direct us towards the headquarters?”
“… This is the Noah family headquarters.”
--
Tyki prayed that Skin wouldn’t visit the house today because all the sugar had been removed from the kitchen.
“PREPARE FOR BATTLE, MY MINIONS!!”
He let the sugar-high girl pass through him and hit the wall behind him. There was a reason that he tolerated Rhode and Lulu, with all their bitchiness. Now he remembered. Anything was better than this.
Tyki wondered if there were any akuma around. The more the better.
--
“Okay I didn’t know I had Innocence or something. I thought we were just gonna be some normal humans.”
Her friend stared at the smoking remains of akuma lying around in a circle around them. Then she turned to look at her friend-who-formerly-wore-black-clothes's white, waving hair.
“Please don’t tell me that the Innocence is in your hair,” she begged, feeling faint.
“Actually, it's in my blood.”
-Fade to black-
--
“Okay I didn’t know I had a Noah inside me or something. I thought we were just gonna be some normal humans.”
“I’m not normal, I have Innocence,” her friend proclaimed proudly.
“I’m not normal either, I’m a Noah,” she snapped, throwing a cleaver at her friend.
--
“Is that moaning I hear?”
“Yes indeedy.”
“Is that Tyki and Allen moaning I hear?”
“Yes ma’am.”
--
A/N: And that was the end. Not really. I'm not done with this crackfic. But this is all I have right now.
1 September 2012
STGCC 2012
EDIT 12/9/12
I skipped my German lessons. So now I have time for this.
Here are some photos of Hibiki Touya and Kousaka Yun taken with Mike's camera (I took them, mind you. Also Mike sucks.)
 |
| Kousaka Yun as Kaname Madoka Look at her fucking legs, oh my god |
 |
| Hibiki Touya as Lelouch Lamperouge |
 |
| I took this one too. Cause Mike sucks. Also Hibiki Touya |
Also here is a picture of Piko. We managed to go right up to the front, on the left of the stage, which was awesome, but it also meant that there were people watching us and telling us to not take photos. Mike somehow managed. (Also if you watch videos of Piko singing at STGCC, I'm the one waving the pink lightstick.)
 |
| Unf, Piko |
And finally.
 |
| Mike took this while I was tying my hair. She sucks. |
THIS POST IS NOT COMPLETE YET.
Things yet to be uploaded: a picture of Mike with Hibiki Toyua and Kousaka Yun, a picture of me with Hibiki Touya and Kousaka Yun, and a picture of the shirt with Piko's signature.
(i touched piko)
(still can't get over it)
EDIT IM SORRY I LOST MY PICTURES FOR THIS EVENT I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF
WILL POST PICTURE OF PIKO SHIRT WITH PIKO'S SIGNATURE
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| piko's shirt with his signature!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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