ive just been too stressed and worried and scared of failure to even talk about my final year project until it's done and ive received my grade. well, now it's all over and i can finally talk about it without wanting to literally die.
so anyway i did it in one week, and consulted my supervisor about like... 2 times. i didn't sleep for a week, i'm not too sure ? but i was doped up on coffee.
i was like, as long as i pass... turns out i got an A-, which honestly is far far beyond my wildest dreams. i initially thought there's no way i'd ever get to do a masters with a shitty fyp, and that my academia life would end with a bachelors... but this grade has given me renewed hope? some professors said i lacked self confidence but like i seriously have no idea whether im actually good or if it's just inflated because other people are shit. some say that's the same thing but idk
in any case im not interested in academia unless it's necessary later in my life, because research just stresses me out so much. like i care about theories and stuff and i'll gladly debate about them, but i don't care in any meaningful or practical way. it stops bothering me the moment we end the conversation. im just intensely unmotivated for research without practical applications.
anyway it's on to the next thing that i can worry myself to death over and never talk about until it's done and settled: finding a job
starting to think i seriously need a therapist. as opposed to previously when i thought having a therapist would just be nice. i have a lot of unresolved and completely unaddressed issues
