things i do when im upset

im incompetent with emotions

I think I talk about my feelings a lot, but I realise that I have a hard time actually talking about what I feel. 

When I get really angry or sad, all I say is "I'm upset", which is pretty much the same thing I say when I'm only slightly angry or sad, or not angry or sad at all. I use pretty plain, unemotional words for everything, and if that doesn't say something about my reluctance or inability to talk about my emotional state, then...

I don't know why, but I tend to downplay my emotions when I'm with other people. When I watch an emotional movie with others, I just don't cry. I even make fun of the deaths. But when I watch it alone, I honestly revel in the feeling of being sad. 

Why the fuck do I do that? Fuck if I know lol.

I have a ton of reasons for why I shouldn't cry in front of others. First, it's bloody unattractive, and I really don't want to embarrass myself. Second, it's inconvenient as fuck, and uncomfortable as fuck. How am I supposed to respond to anything when I'm busy blubbering and wiping my nose?

I just don't feel very comfortable expressing myself fully in front of others. I mean, sure, I laugh and shit, but that's like a fraction of all the emotions I'm capable of expressing, y'know? 

Sometimes I try to express myself fully, because honestly it feels shitty to have your friends show you their vulnerable side and be completely unable to respond because responding calls for an emotion that you just hold back because you're with others. Like, some people cry when others cry, right? For no reason at all. I am literally incapable of doing that when other people are around.

So yeah, I try, but it's a little instinctive to hold back emotions in the presence of others, so by the time I register that I would like to express myself fully, the time has passed. 

It's like being really upset with something, but pretending to be fine when your friends ask you what's wrong. And then bursting into tears a minute later. What the fuck, right? That's just weird. And so the appropriate moment for me to express emotions gets further and further away lol.

Maybe I do this because I feel craptons of disdain for people who sob everywhere. I mean, ew, sappy, weak. Stop fucking crying and do something. 

Maybe I do this because I don't know how to express emotions??!?!? idk ?!?!?! ?!?

Well, whatever, when I'm upset I just write sad, emo things instead of calling anyone or texting anyone or seeking out human company because once I have to deal with other people watching my emotions I just don't know how to deal?!?!?! and withdraw ?!?!? and say I'm fine?!?!?! and get frustrated because oops there goes another chance for me to throw excess emotions out.

(By the way, bottling up emotions feels the exact same as it sounds. It's like a game of "how much emotion can I stuff in this human balloon before it explodes lol", and it sucks.)

I really do want human company and comfort when I'm upset because it feels so shitty to be sad and alone. It's just that I'm kind of incompetent at emotions.