I think, in all honesty, that I am going to simply sit down and refuse to stand up again during cca tomorrow.
This has nothing to do with how much I hate the cca (and what it stands for, and so on and so forth) or how much I desire to spite authority just for the idiocy of it. No, this observation came about because I found myself too tired to breathe.
So, when I read the announcement on the cca blog - PT! BMX, YAY! - I decided that I wouldn't push myself any more.
I'm sure that this bout of physical training obsession is a direct result of NAPFA... and its unfortunate test dates. While I do agree that it's a good idea to train your body for a physical test, I think that it's utterly insane to push your body to its limits (or your mind, what with all that mind over matter thing, but I'll skip that because my brain is starting to cry inside my skull).
Especially since I know that my test date is on the second of April. In other words, three days away. I am not confident that my muscles will agree to two torture sessions, one after another - by which I mean I hate strenuous physical activities, and my muscles hate them possibly even more than my brain does.
Bottom line: I tend to get muscle cramps when I over-exercise. I'm not exaggerating.
Another bottom line: I care a lot more for my NAPFA scores than for whatever image my cca has of me. If it gets to the point where I'm genuinely straining to keep up, I'm just going to sit down and politely decline to participate any further.
The final point is that my physical performance is inextricably linked with my mental performance. Or maybe it should be mental health, or ... I don't really know. Anyway, when I feel pressured or unhappy, I tend to get very breathless and very angry, which is obviously detrimental to my scores.
Mostly I think about the exact wording of the scathing and acerbic lecture that I would doubtlessly have given the mindless idiot if only I wasn't running on the stupid track. My energy is directed towards my brain instead of my legs and lungs, where it - again, obviously - needs to be currently.
What I mean is, I'll be pressured and unhappy. My performance on Monday will be a lot less than satisfactory, and that's going to be my score, so excuse me if I care.
So I think I'll be going offline right now in order to think about the repercussions (maybe a ripple effect?) of my actions (even though technicality I haven't done anything, but the intent is there, and I'm prepared to do it, and it's almost a given that I'm going to do that anyway, so... moot point).
Also, this post is emotionless and slightly formal and maybe even not vulgar, and this is because I'm too tired to inject any emotion into this - you do need energy to feel emotion. Right now I just feel really dry and dead and emotionally cut off from everyone else.
29 March 2012
agkjg I HATE MY LIFE and why no one should ever read a post entitled this, as well as a list of incoherent rants that I'm not sure constitutes a list and I'm delirious, slightly, possibly.
I've just received news that the UG camp will be from the 11th of May to the 13th. Please note, this is two months after the March camp.
I dedicated an entire chunk of words and fuckery in order to describe the horror I feel about the March camp - I'm not sure that was enough, or adequate, or ... Maybe I should've added a few more taboo words, just for good measure.
That is what I feel. The camps should be abolished; they are hateful and redundant and pointless and nasty and nightmare-inducing and stressful and unhealthy and illogical.
That was a one-night affair. This UG camp nonsense is a three day two night piece of utter and complete horseshit.
I might plan to be on a family trip with my dad's company. Or some church missionary shit, it's not like they'll poke too much into things like religion. I plan to keep my sanity intact, keep my temper from flaring, and keep myself from breaking down and yelling at them all about how I just don't fucking care.
I actually do care about the cca, and the camp, to a certain extent. However, it's a kind of instinctual and natural concern for my personal well-being, and not out of any misplaced sense of identity or responsibility for the cca.
The day I actually feel that is the day that I will mysteriously fall and impale myself on a blunt pencil and oddly not notice the blood gushing out from the wound until someone points it out and then I'll just go all oh, cool, red, and then everyone will scream and faint and possibly shit themselves and I'll die from blood loss or some equally mundane things and it's just kind of impossible for me to give a single flying fuck about them.
I hate them, and excuse my French, but I motherfucking hate those sorry excuses for camps. I really, honestly don't think any of my peers can match me in terms of intensity of hatred. It used to make me physically uncomfortable for the previous two years, until I decided that I've had enough of this fuckshit bullcrap and stopped caring.
Am very sure that my mother will give in to my calculated whining. After all, I've been systematically feeding her horror stories about my cca, in a tone of voice that portrays my cca as the clear villain of the nonexistent story.
In other words, I will never willingly attend another such camp, unless said camp involves myself being in a position of authority. In which case I will dismiss everyone on the spot and apologize on behalf of the cca for ruining a good few years of their lives and causing much undue emotional trauma which may or may not manifest itself in the form of mental retardation or diminished social skills or unexplained fears and chronic nightmares...
... which may or may not result in an inability to find a job to support oneself, and I'm pretty sure that that's really bad. Seeing as someone who doesn't have a stable job is just going to starve. Or torture him or herself mentally, subconsciously, and unwillingly. Or something.
My point is, I hate them motherfucking camps, and I will do anything and everything I'm capable of doing in order to wriggle out of attending that shit, and if worse comes to worst, I can always change my cca.
Of course, only after telling the current teachers in charge of my current cca exactly what I think about them and exactly where and how they are unequivocally wrong and exactly what they tried and failed to do and how they could have easily done something to rectify the regrettable state of the cca and how they didn't do that.
Wow, teachers are so effective and observant and impartial.
(Just like being biased against a certain class because they supposedly are less clever... and are therefore more liable to cheat... woman, you need to use your motherfucking brain and stop terrorizing my friend's class. This fucking issue involves the entire level, and you go out of the way to talk to and warn the class that receives the most negative attention for no fucking reason. There are certain things that a teacher must do, and I'm afraid you're either too obtuse or too narrow-minded to understand and apply any of the "certain things" outside of grading your students' work. To be more obvious, not being a goddamn judgmental pissy bitch would be a good place to start.)
Apparently no one every thinks about how their students might be more intelligent than themselves, or whether a certain class performs badly and certain members of the aforementioned class exhibits behavioural problems or a lack of impulse control is because of inferior brain quality or the low expectations forced upon them and therefore subconsciously restricting their ability to learn.
It's rather well-known that someone who has been told that he or she possesses the necessary intelligence to do something will do that particular thing better and/or faster than someone with the same IQ but who was told that he or she does not possess the necessary skills to accomplish that.
What the hell is wrong with the teachers? Instead of encouraging their students, they're belittling and, UGH. Why in the name of fuck were they allowed to be a teacher in the first place?
...
Okay, was a little sidetracked by a friend told me today. Anyway, this post is just here for me to whine about my horrible life and everything. Disregard me, I still suck. I'm still going through my self-loathing phase, except that the "loathing" part has now expanded to include several other people, all of whom I will never name, because I fear retribution for my blasphemous words.
Whatever.
I dedicated an entire chunk of words and fuckery in order to describe the horror I feel about the March camp - I'm not sure that was enough, or adequate, or ... Maybe I should've added a few more taboo words, just for good measure.
That is what I feel. The camps should be abolished; they are hateful and redundant and pointless and nasty and nightmare-inducing and stressful and unhealthy and illogical.
That was a one-night affair. This UG camp nonsense is a three day two night piece of utter and complete horseshit.
I might plan to be on a family trip with my dad's company. Or some church missionary shit, it's not like they'll poke too much into things like religion. I plan to keep my sanity intact, keep my temper from flaring, and keep myself from breaking down and yelling at them all about how I just don't fucking care.
I actually do care about the cca, and the camp, to a certain extent. However, it's a kind of instinctual and natural concern for my personal well-being, and not out of any misplaced sense of identity or responsibility for the cca.
The day I actually feel that is the day that I will mysteriously fall and impale myself on a blunt pencil and oddly not notice the blood gushing out from the wound until someone points it out and then I'll just go all oh, cool, red, and then everyone will scream and faint and possibly shit themselves and I'll die from blood loss or some equally mundane things and it's just kind of impossible for me to give a single flying fuck about them.
I hate them, and excuse my French, but I motherfucking hate those sorry excuses for camps. I really, honestly don't think any of my peers can match me in terms of intensity of hatred. It used to make me physically uncomfortable for the previous two years, until I decided that I've had enough of this fuckshit bullcrap and stopped caring.
Am very sure that my mother will give in to my calculated whining. After all, I've been systematically feeding her horror stories about my cca, in a tone of voice that portrays my cca as the clear villain of the nonexistent story.
In other words, I will never willingly attend another such camp, unless said camp involves myself being in a position of authority. In which case I will dismiss everyone on the spot and apologize on behalf of the cca for ruining a good few years of their lives and causing much undue emotional trauma which may or may not manifest itself in the form of mental retardation or diminished social skills or unexplained fears and chronic nightmares...
... which may or may not result in an inability to find a job to support oneself, and I'm pretty sure that that's really bad. Seeing as someone who doesn't have a stable job is just going to starve. Or torture him or herself mentally, subconsciously, and unwillingly. Or something.
My point is, I hate them motherfucking camps, and I will do anything and everything I'm capable of doing in order to wriggle out of attending that shit, and if worse comes to worst, I can always change my cca.
Of course, only after telling the current teachers in charge of my current cca exactly what I think about them and exactly where and how they are unequivocally wrong and exactly what they tried and failed to do and how they could have easily done something to rectify the regrettable state of the cca and how they didn't do that.
Wow, teachers are so effective and observant and impartial.
Apparently no one every thinks about how their students might be more intelligent than themselves, or whether a certain class performs badly and certain members of the aforementioned class exhibits behavioural problems or a lack of impulse control is because of inferior brain quality or the low expectations forced upon them and therefore subconsciously restricting their ability to learn.
It's rather well-known that someone who has been told that he or she possesses the necessary intelligence to do something will do that particular thing better and/or faster than someone with the same IQ but who was told that he or she does not possess the necessary skills to accomplish that.
What the hell is wrong with the teachers? Instead of encouraging their students, they're belittling and, UGH. Why in the name of fuck were they allowed to be a teacher in the first place?
...
Okay, was a little sidetracked by a friend told me today. Anyway, this post is just here for me to whine about my horrible life and everything. Disregard me, I still suck. I'm still going through my self-loathing phase, except that the "loathing" part has now expanded to include several other people, all of whom I will never name, because I fear retribution for my blasphemous words.
Whatever.
25 March 2012
DL LINK Lindsey Stirling
Everyone was going insane over a violin piece and I decided to see just what the fuck all that fuss was about. (Incoherent sentence? Yes please.) Anyway, Lindsey Stirling plays the violin. And she's good.
I didn't think the video was good enough. The abrupt (nonexistent) transition between the "day" and "night" scenes spoiled everything for me. I would've made it a one-take sort of thing - as in, editing it so that it seems like the video all in one shot. I know nothing about making videos, though.
But I fucking hate that video.
(For reference, here's Mika's music video of Blame it on the Girls. There are no abrupt scene changes.)
(Also for reference, here's Big Bang's Love Song.)
If I had my way, then Lindsey's video would be a continuous video of her weaving in and out of those ethereal thingies while playing her sexy violin. (There's something wrong with this sentence too, but I can't figure out what.)
Side note: I think I'm going through an intense and subconscious phase called "self-loathing", where my subconscious tries to hijack my life and ruin it beyond all belief.
Anyway, I didn't have my way.
Here's the link. I think I've rambled on for long enough.
I didn't think the video was good enough. The abrupt (nonexistent) transition between the "day" and "night" scenes spoiled everything for me. I would've made it a one-take sort of thing - as in, editing it so that it seems like the video all in one shot. I know nothing about making videos, though.
But I fucking hate that video.
(For reference, here's Mika's music video of Blame it on the Girls. There are no abrupt scene changes.)
(Also for reference, here's Big Bang's Love Song.)
If I had my way, then Lindsey's video would be a continuous video of her weaving in and out of those ethereal thingies while playing her sexy violin. (There's something wrong with this sentence too, but I can't figure out what.)
Side note: I think I'm going through an intense and subconscious phase called "self-loathing", where my subconscious tries to hijack my life and ruin it beyond all belief.
Anyway, I didn't have my way.
Here's the link. I think I've rambled on for long enough.
22 March 2012
My Pop Culture Speech
I had to do a speech about a television programme that I would introduce to teenagers, and why. After writing that horrid piece of shit, I decided to put it up somewhere on the internet, so that desperate students elsewhere may plagiarise it. I've been desperate before, and that feeling fucking sucks.
So I kind of decided that I'm going to put my school-related essays and stuff on this blog so that other people can have easier lives, and not spend their time wanting to rip out the throats and brains of their teachers.
This is a oral presentation (OP, or speech) on pop culture.
--
Topic: Which television programme would you introduce to teenagers, and why?
99% of households today possess at least one television set. With the increased demand for entertainment, the number of television shows aired per year also increases. Yet quantity is not a synonym for quality.
Good morning [teacher's name] and my fellow classmates. Today I would like to share about the show Doctor Who, and why I think it should be introduced to teenagers.
Doctor Who is a British science fiction television programme about the Doctor and his companions, who face a variety of foes while working to save civilisations, help people and right wrongs.
My reasons for choosing this show is as follows – first, it is a popular and family-friendly alternative to the over-sexualized television programmes that are commonly seen nowadays; second, it can be a common topic for parents and teenagers because of its versatility; and third, the show has a total of 31 seasons, with the promise of more, proving its ability to keep its fans interested.
Allow me to elaborate. Firstly, the show is family-friendly, which means that teenagers will be able to watch it without picking up inappropriate language or actions. Teenagers are highly impressionable and liable to imitate others’ behaviour, subconsciously or otherwise. Parents will not need to worry about them picking up undesirable characteristics from Doctor Who, though, as the show is “not rated”.
The main character, the Doctor, has a powerful sense of what is right and what is wrong, and possesses a rare determination to do the right thing. His companion, Amy Pond, is brave and decisive, as well as perceptive. The show is a rare find in today’s era of Gossip Girl (which revolves around the lives of privileged young adults in New York) and 16 and Pregnant (which follow the lives of pregnant teenagers who are still in school).
I believe that this television programme and its characters will influence teenagers in a positive manner, by teaching them about friendship and courage, unlike other shows, which highlight and wrongly glamourize the undesirable facets of life.
Another point to note is that Doctor Who is a television programme that the entire family can watch and enjoy together, regardless of age. When teenagers spend time with their family, they cannot find a common activity or relate to each other. However, doing something simple together, for example watching television, can improve parent-child relationships by a large margin.
But many television programmes fail to attract viewers outside of their target demographic, which is often of a limited age. Doctor Who is an exception to that. It contains elements that appeal to both the young and the old, proven by its wide range of fans, thus making it a television programme that is ideal for the family to watch and bond over together, improving teenagers’ relationships with their family.
My third reason for choosing to introduce this particular show to teenagers is because of its quality and its ability to attract viewers throughout the ages. As teenagers are notoriously fickle creatures, seen by the ever-changing fashion and “in” thing to do, a show that can not only attract teenagers but also keep their attention is nigh impossible to find.
However, Doctor Who has managed this feat.
The show was awarded the BAFTA (a prestigious award for television excellence) in 2006, and had five consecutive wins at the National Television Awards from 2005 to 2010. It is interesting enough to have nearly eight hundred episodes, interesting enough too last from 1963 to 2012, interesting enough to become one of BBC’s best-selling show worldwide, without losing any of its huge gathering of fans.
Doctor Who is a television programme that can hold one’s attention. Even though it is such a long-lasting show, the quality of it has not deteriorated over the years, and the numbers of fans have only increased. Teenagers will certainly not be bored of this show any time soon.
To sum it up, Doctor Who, the television programme that I have chosen to recommend to teenager, is a character-building show without profanities or sexual innuendos, is something that the entire family can enjoy together, and last but not least, has been proven to appeal to teenagers and keep that appeal throughout the years.
--
Disclaimer: The OP was written at night, while delirious and chomping on chocolate. The writer refuses to take any responsibility for failures or unsatisfactory grades if you use this. The writer will claim mental instability if accused of anything. The writer is not convinced that any of her claims will work. The writer is also sure that everyone thinks she is a heartless, lying asshole, and that everybody loves her to bits. Not literally.
So I kind of decided that I'm going to put my school-related essays and stuff on this blog so that other people can have easier lives, and not spend their time wanting to rip out the throats and brains of their teachers.
This is a oral presentation (OP, or speech) on pop culture.
--
Topic: Which television programme would you introduce to teenagers, and why?
99% of households today possess at least one television set. With the increased demand for entertainment, the number of television shows aired per year also increases. Yet quantity is not a synonym for quality.
Good morning [teacher's name] and my fellow classmates. Today I would like to share about the show Doctor Who, and why I think it should be introduced to teenagers.
Doctor Who is a British science fiction television programme about the Doctor and his companions, who face a variety of foes while working to save civilisations, help people and right wrongs.
My reasons for choosing this show is as follows – first, it is a popular and family-friendly alternative to the over-sexualized television programmes that are commonly seen nowadays; second, it can be a common topic for parents and teenagers because of its versatility; and third, the show has a total of 31 seasons, with the promise of more, proving its ability to keep its fans interested.
Allow me to elaborate. Firstly, the show is family-friendly, which means that teenagers will be able to watch it without picking up inappropriate language or actions. Teenagers are highly impressionable and liable to imitate others’ behaviour, subconsciously or otherwise. Parents will not need to worry about them picking up undesirable characteristics from Doctor Who, though, as the show is “not rated”.
The main character, the Doctor, has a powerful sense of what is right and what is wrong, and possesses a rare determination to do the right thing. His companion, Amy Pond, is brave and decisive, as well as perceptive. The show is a rare find in today’s era of Gossip Girl (which revolves around the lives of privileged young adults in New York) and 16 and Pregnant (which follow the lives of pregnant teenagers who are still in school).
I believe that this television programme and its characters will influence teenagers in a positive manner, by teaching them about friendship and courage, unlike other shows, which highlight and wrongly glamourize the undesirable facets of life.
Another point to note is that Doctor Who is a television programme that the entire family can watch and enjoy together, regardless of age. When teenagers spend time with their family, they cannot find a common activity or relate to each other. However, doing something simple together, for example watching television, can improve parent-child relationships by a large margin.
But many television programmes fail to attract viewers outside of their target demographic, which is often of a limited age. Doctor Who is an exception to that. It contains elements that appeal to both the young and the old, proven by its wide range of fans, thus making it a television programme that is ideal for the family to watch and bond over together, improving teenagers’ relationships with their family.
My third reason for choosing to introduce this particular show to teenagers is because of its quality and its ability to attract viewers throughout the ages. As teenagers are notoriously fickle creatures, seen by the ever-changing fashion and “in” thing to do, a show that can not only attract teenagers but also keep their attention is nigh impossible to find.
However, Doctor Who has managed this feat.
The show was awarded the BAFTA (a prestigious award for television excellence) in 2006, and had five consecutive wins at the National Television Awards from 2005 to 2010. It is interesting enough to have nearly eight hundred episodes, interesting enough too last from 1963 to 2012, interesting enough to become one of BBC’s best-selling show worldwide, without losing any of its huge gathering of fans.
Doctor Who is a television programme that can hold one’s attention. Even though it is such a long-lasting show, the quality of it has not deteriorated over the years, and the numbers of fans have only increased. Teenagers will certainly not be bored of this show any time soon.
To sum it up, Doctor Who, the television programme that I have chosen to recommend to teenager, is a character-building show without profanities or sexual innuendos, is something that the entire family can enjoy together, and last but not least, has been proven to appeal to teenagers and keep that appeal throughout the years.
--
Disclaimer: The OP was written at night, while delirious and chomping on chocolate. The writer refuses to take any responsibility for failures or unsatisfactory grades if you use this. The writer will claim mental instability if accused of anything. The writer is not convinced that any of her claims will work. The writer is also sure that everyone thinks she is a heartless, lying asshole, and that everybody loves her to bits. Not literally.
11 March 2012
i don't fucking care
LONG RANT ALERT.
May be incoherent.
Contains expletives.
Can't believe my CCA's having a camp in the March holidays. What the holy fuck, do they not fucking understand that we have homework? Screw CCA, who cares about it? My grades take priority, every single fucking time. Who the fuck wants to take time off doing homework for some stupid CCA camp anyway? Two fucking days, thank you very much, two fucking days LESS to do my homework. Seriously, what the fuck are they thinking? Are they even thinking? We have a WEEK of holidays, and they take two days. Percentage? 29% Why the fuck can't they fucking limit their fucking inane camps to the longer, month-long holidays? Two days from one month. Percentage: 7% Just, what the fuck. I'm never going to demand that my juniors attend some stupid motherfucking camp during a week-long holiday when they have tons of homework which is much more important than some motherfucking illogical pointless CCA. What the fucking fuck, I have lost hope in my seniors. All of them. Why can't they be logical and fucking think for once. March. MARCH. We've just started school for a little more than two months, and CAMP YAY BECAUSE I'M FUCKING RETARDED. We haven't even adjusted to the school rhythm yet and you're going to force us to attend some motherfucking camp. And we're just going to do some inane things and you're just going to scream and scream and make stupid demands and then you're going to get emotional and cry or something and we'll be forced to pretend that we fucking care so that you can fucking get on with things. I don't care, okay? I don't fucking care about any of you. I have no bonds with any of you, and I don't fucking want any motherfucking bonds with you guys because you all suck and I fucking feel nauseous at the thought of CCA. Tying knots, yay, as if we'll need to tie knots to make a desk. Be prepared, hah, as if. Are we going to carry a fucking bomb shelter everyfuckingwhere with us? Who the fuck gives a damn. Look, if I'm stranded somewhere and I need to make a raft, I'd kinda rather commit suicide. Quick and relatively painless. All your crap is so fucking worthless. What values? Who the fuck cares about being honest and reliable and trustworthy? All you have to do is to act like you're honest and reliable and trustworthy. If you're sincerely like that, then you're going to be taken advantage of. Stupid fucking bunch of nutters. And your stupid little camp. I was totally going to ask my parents to lie for me so that I can get out off this shit. Listen, I don't fucking want to spend all day running around because you say so. I don't want to sleep in sleeping bags on the concrete floor. I don't fucking want to sweat all day and then not shower. Motherfuck, who the fuck restricts people from showering when they've been sweating all fucking day? Fuck you, you motherfuckers. I really don't want to listen to your bullshit and act like I care, I don't want to pretend to tear up so that I fit in with all the other mindless motherfuckers that you've influenced. I AM NOT TOUCHED BY YOUR EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT. I don't give a damn and I never will. You fucking expect us to motherfucking learn some values. As if. Delusional. I want to stay in the comfort of my house and do homework and MOTHERFUCKING SLEEP. I honestly don't understand what the fuck is wrong with you all, organizing a camp in March. I swear, if you organize another fucking camp in June, I'm going to find all sorts of excuses not to go. I am NOT going to more than one CCA camp this year. I fucking don't care. I used to pretend, but now I'm so fed up with your idiots that I don't care if you read this post. I don't care if you realise that I hate all of you. I just don't fucking care any more. I don't care if the teachers "have a talk" with me. I'm going to tell them the truth. That this CCA is fucking pointless and I don't care. If they tell me that I should transfer, then I'm going to ask them when the fuck did it become compulsory to like something that you were forced into. If they suggest that I give feedback, then I'm going to ask them what happened to all the feedback that my entire level has been giving for the past two years. Up their fucking assholes, that's what happened to the feedback. As if feedback fucking works. Feedback doesn't work when the people asking for it don't do anything. I am disgusted. And fuck camps. I fucking hate CCA camps. The "CCA" part is fucking important. Retarded shit. I'd put grades over CCA any day. I'd also put myself first, and I do NOT fucking want to go to a camp so that I can "bond" with people by not practicing proper hygiene. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with everyone. This is not acceptable. /EDIT:/ I hope someone gets fatally injured during that camp so that there will never be another camp because the teachers will be too cautious. I am comfortable with being horrible.
May be incoherent.
Contains expletives.
Can't believe my CCA's having a camp in the March holidays. What the holy fuck, do they not fucking understand that we have homework? Screw CCA, who cares about it? My grades take priority, every single fucking time. Who the fuck wants to take time off doing homework for some stupid CCA camp anyway? Two fucking days, thank you very much, two fucking days LESS to do my homework. Seriously, what the fuck are they thinking? Are they even thinking? We have a WEEK of holidays, and they take two days. Percentage? 29% Why the fuck can't they fucking limit their fucking inane camps to the longer, month-long holidays? Two days from one month. Percentage: 7% Just, what the fuck. I'm never going to demand that my juniors attend some stupid motherfucking camp during a week-long holiday when they have tons of homework which is much more important than some motherfucking illogical pointless CCA. What the fucking fuck, I have lost hope in my seniors. All of them. Why can't they be logical and fucking think for once. March. MARCH. We've just started school for a little more than two months, and CAMP YAY BECAUSE I'M FUCKING RETARDED. We haven't even adjusted to the school rhythm yet and you're going to force us to attend some motherfucking camp. And we're just going to do some inane things and you're just going to scream and scream and make stupid demands and then you're going to get emotional and cry or something and we'll be forced to pretend that we fucking care so that you can fucking get on with things. I don't care, okay? I don't fucking care about any of you. I have no bonds with any of you, and I don't fucking want any motherfucking bonds with you guys because you all suck and I fucking feel nauseous at the thought of CCA. Tying knots, yay, as if we'll need to tie knots to make a desk. Be prepared, hah, as if. Are we going to carry a fucking bomb shelter everyfuckingwhere with us? Who the fuck gives a damn. Look, if I'm stranded somewhere and I need to make a raft, I'd kinda rather commit suicide. Quick and relatively painless. All your crap is so fucking worthless. What values? Who the fuck cares about being honest and reliable and trustworthy? All you have to do is to act like you're honest and reliable and trustworthy. If you're sincerely like that, then you're going to be taken advantage of. Stupid fucking bunch of nutters. And your stupid little camp. I was totally going to ask my parents to lie for me so that I can get out off this shit. Listen, I don't fucking want to spend all day running around because you say so. I don't want to sleep in sleeping bags on the concrete floor. I don't fucking want to sweat all day and then not shower. Motherfuck, who the fuck restricts people from showering when they've been sweating all fucking day? Fuck you, you motherfuckers. I really don't want to listen to your bullshit and act like I care, I don't want to pretend to tear up so that I fit in with all the other mindless motherfuckers that you've influenced. I AM NOT TOUCHED BY YOUR EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT. I don't give a damn and I never will. You fucking expect us to motherfucking learn some values. As if. Delusional. I want to stay in the comfort of my house and do homework and MOTHERFUCKING SLEEP. I honestly don't understand what the fuck is wrong with you all, organizing a camp in March. I swear, if you organize another fucking camp in June, I'm going to find all sorts of excuses not to go. I am NOT going to more than one CCA camp this year. I fucking don't care. I used to pretend, but now I'm so fed up with your idiots that I don't care if you read this post. I don't care if you realise that I hate all of you. I just don't fucking care any more. I don't care if the teachers "have a talk" with me. I'm going to tell them the truth. That this CCA is fucking pointless and I don't care. If they tell me that I should transfer, then I'm going to ask them when the fuck did it become compulsory to like something that you were forced into. If they suggest that I give feedback, then I'm going to ask them what happened to all the feedback that my entire level has been giving for the past two years. Up their fucking assholes, that's what happened to the feedback. As if feedback fucking works. Feedback doesn't work when the people asking for it don't do anything. I am disgusted. And fuck camps. I fucking hate CCA camps. The "CCA" part is fucking important. Retarded shit. I'd put grades over CCA any day. I'd also put myself first, and I do NOT fucking want to go to a camp so that I can "bond" with people by not practicing proper hygiene. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with everyone. This is not acceptable. /EDIT:/ I hope someone gets fatally injured during that camp so that there will never be another camp because the teachers will be too cautious. I am comfortable with being horrible.
10 March 2012
What the fuck?
This article refuses to link to anti-god sites to prevent them from gaining more visitors - but really, if your religious views are correct and God is the true God, you wouldn't have to fucking worry about some website stealing your believers.
It makes sense on the surface. Coca Cola would never link to Pepsi because Pepsi would steal away all their Coke fanatics.
However, this is a religion. If Christianity is truly the right way, then no one would stray away from it. Refusing to link is like telling everyone that you're insecure about your beliefs. The very fact that you're considering that Christians might be lured away shows that you yourself have entertained such thoughts.
Led astray? Really? More like refusing to provide proof. If the believers could read all the logical and well though-out arguments, I doubt they'll be believers any longer. Unless they're unde the influence of Blind Faith. Then they should use their brains.
If you're refuting someone's argument, tell me who that person is. Otherwise, I'll have no idea if you're lying. Likewise, if you're going to type out an essay about how selective a certain site is, then you should link to that site, so that you boost your own credibility.
Refusing to link is petty. Petty petty petty petty. Undeserved publicity my ass.
I link to plenty of horrible things. I do it so that people can see how unthinking the general public is. I don' see why this site can't do the same.
Petty.
An exhaustive list of passages that non-believers quote.
I don't think all the non-believers would come to the same conclusions. Also, a large percentage of non-believers used to be Christians. They went for Bible class. Seriously. I suffered years of Christianity before realising that it was all retarded and useless.
The only thing I think religion is good for is sucking up to your religious boss.
Putting effort into studying doesn't require religion. Falling in love doesn't require religion. Taking proper care of your children does not require religion. Practically nothing does. Spiritual well-being? My ass.
You can worship whatever god you want, just don't drag it into conversations, or worse, try to convert me. My parents are in denial about my loss of faith (they've been in denial for two years, and despite my vehement protests, drag me to church on Sundays. I usually read blasphemous fanfiction in church.) and that fucking sucks.
It's like saying that they can't accept who I really am. That they really can't accept me, so their brain refuses to consider the concept of me being an atheist, even though I've screamed and cried over the topic
Religion made my parents really shitty parents. If I wasn't as critical as I am, my self-esteem would probably have suffered.
Anyway, that brings me back to the issue of not linking. It's not really such a big deal, but it's a basic. You're petty. Really petty.
And you have no faith in the power of your own religion. Undeserved publicity. You don't want anyone to read it lest they be swayed. To consider that option, you must have thought about it yourself.
Me being an atheist was unthinkable to my parents - that is, the possibility was so abhorrent that they refused to acknowledge its existence. To entertain thoughts of being swayed by the anti-christ site, you must first be swayed yourself - subconsciously or otherwise.
Reading this over again, I'm not sure if I went out of point. Anyway, I was really annoyed, so I started typing.
It makes sense on the surface. Coca Cola would never link to Pepsi because Pepsi would steal away all their Coke fanatics.
However, this is a religion. If Christianity is truly the right way, then no one would stray away from it. Refusing to link is like telling everyone that you're insecure about your beliefs. The very fact that you're considering that Christians might be lured away shows that you yourself have entertained such thoughts.
Led astray? Really? More like refusing to provide proof. If the believers could read all the logical and well though-out arguments, I doubt they'll be believers any longer. Unless they're unde the influence of Blind Faith. Then they should use their brains.
If you're refuting someone's argument, tell me who that person is. Otherwise, I'll have no idea if you're lying. Likewise, if you're going to type out an essay about how selective a certain site is, then you should link to that site, so that you boost your own credibility.
Refusing to link is petty. Petty petty petty petty. Undeserved publicity my ass.
I link to plenty of horrible things. I do it so that people can see how unthinking the general public is. I don' see why this site can't do the same.
Petty.
An exhaustive list of passages that non-believers quote.
I don't think all the non-believers would come to the same conclusions. Also, a large percentage of non-believers used to be Christians. They went for Bible class. Seriously. I suffered years of Christianity before realising that it was all retarded and useless.
The only thing I think religion is good for is sucking up to your religious boss.
Putting effort into studying doesn't require religion. Falling in love doesn't require religion. Taking proper care of your children does not require religion. Practically nothing does. Spiritual well-being? My ass.
You can worship whatever god you want, just don't drag it into conversations, or worse, try to convert me. My parents are in denial about my loss of faith (they've been in denial for two years, and despite my vehement protests, drag me to church on Sundays. I usually read blasphemous fanfiction in church.) and that fucking sucks.
It's like saying that they can't accept who I really am. That they really can't accept me, so their brain refuses to consider the concept of me being an atheist, even though I've screamed and cried over the topic
Religion made my parents really shitty parents. If I wasn't as critical as I am, my self-esteem would probably have suffered.
Anyway, that brings me back to the issue of not linking. It's not really such a big deal, but it's a basic. You're petty. Really petty.
And you have no faith in the power of your own religion. Undeserved publicity. You don't want anyone to read it lest they be swayed. To consider that option, you must have thought about it yourself.
Me being an atheist was unthinkable to my parents - that is, the possibility was so abhorrent that they refused to acknowledge its existence. To entertain thoughts of being swayed by the anti-christ site, you must first be swayed yourself - subconsciously or otherwise.
Reading this over again, I'm not sure if I went out of point. Anyway, I was really annoyed, so I started typing.
MN Marriage Constitution
It's about defining the meaning of "marriage" as something that should be between a man and a woman only. It will be voted on in the 2012 election.
I can't really understand why anyone would vote "yes" like the couple in the video. I know the standard reasons - god, reproduction, the natural order, etc - but I don't understand.
Let's talk about the video first. I hate meaningless rambles. I hate it when things that are supposed to have a point don't have a point. Like the video. Exactly like the video. It has no meaning. It's supposed to explain the reason(s) behind their vote, but apparently the definition of "reason" differs greatly from person to person.
The video shows them talking about their family. Large family. Parents. Specifically admirable, strong parents. As I watch, I wonder when they're going to get to the point. (They're voting "yes".) Family is a great thing. But I wonder at the link to the topic.
Finally, they mention God. Catholicism.
... And nothing. They spent the entire <6 minutes talking about how wonderful it is to have values (the man says "values" and never defines them) and how great their families are.
At one point the man says "it's getting harder and harder to have a traditional male/female, mother/father dynamics on a daily basis" and I feel like punching a hole through something solid.
Let me explain with real reasons, why I feel extremely disgusted by this video. I'm going to show everyone how reasoning is done.
First - the video has basically nothing to do with the topic. On the surface, at least, but I'll talk about that later. Anyway, it's pointless to make a video that doesn't even address the issue given in a straightforward manner. It's stupid. Teachers would stamp a huge red F on it without even needing to think.
This is why I'm annoyed. I just wasted about 6 minutes watching a torturously slow video that doesn't address anything properly.
Second - they are homophobes. They sound like nice, family-orientated people, but the homophobia is worrying. The video implies that if you don't have a mother figure in the family (a family of two males, perhaps) then it's really difficult to find your identity. The subtext tells you that a child in a family with two males or females as parents will not grow up properly. It tells you that same-sex marriages leads to children (procured from unknown place) and their children won't be able to find their identity.
Wait, what?
The video also strongly emphasises the need for a family. A male/female family, specifically. It implies that without a male/female family, all the happy things they've mentioned about having a family will not happen. Basically, if two males marry, they can't have many many children. They can't raise them properly. Their children will be unhappy, because unlike the couple in the video, they didn't grow up in a male/female family.
"The masculinity of just a good, supportive father who loved and supported my mother as his wife."
Great. Subtle homophobia. Again with the man/woman thing.
This whole video makes me unbearably frustrated. Indirect and unvoiced homophobia everywhere. Ugh. (I didn't imagine it. Think about what they've said. It's all there.)
Third - they brought in religion. In a weird way.
God told Adam and Eve to go and procreate. In which way does this sentence tell you that "homosexuals should not marry"? God told a man and woman to go have babies. Perhaps it was a man and woman because only that combination can produce babies. Obviously. If it was Adam and John, or Eve and Mary, then the population would die out.
But the point here is marriage. Marriage does not - DOES NOT - mean children.
The woman also said that we should all follow the rules that God laid down for us. Logic-wise, it makes no sense. If we truly followed everything in the bible, there would be a huge market for slaves, and monogamy? What monogamy? If I don't like this woman then I can simply pursue another.
But, alright, let's put it in another way. Adam and Eve should procreate. Man and women should make children together. That's the rule. Men and women are still the only ones making babies together. I don't see what she has to complain about. You still need a sperm and an egg, even with today's technology. We're still following the archaic rules that God laid down a fucking long time ago, and she ceases to make any sense.
She also says that if we start making up our own rules, then we'll ruin everything. Okay, so maybe those weren't her exact words, but the sentiment is exactly the same. This is why I hate people bringing religion into anything.
They start getting illogical. Our own rules? There are a lot of "our own rules", and I bet everything I have that they're happily following quite a few of those "our own rules".
Ew. Religion.
Now that I'm done with my hastily constructed reasons, let's move on to the real reasons they oppose same-sex marriage.
Ooops. They didn't say that in the video, did they? They've never even mentioned that such things exist. Their wording is very suggestive. Carefully phrased.
The video, if you read between the lines, is about
1) We refuse to admit the existence of homosexuals by not admitting the possibility of same-sex marriage in a video of about 6 minutes, in which we ramble on about family.
2) Without a mother and father, the child will have a horrible childhood - that is to say, homosexuals are unable to bring up children properly.
3) Marriage means children. Homosexuals are unable to procreate; and even if they did, they'd make horrible parents.
4) We are Catholics, and we will obey God - on the outdated rules stated in the Bible (I'm still unsure about its authenticity, considering how no one knows who compiled it, or how everyone magically overcame the language and time barrier) and we will make children and own slaves (selling people as livestock was prominent - very prominent) and have multiple wives (Jacob, David, etc).
5) ... I'm not sure what they're going on about any more. Maybe it's "oooh, my family is extremely large and it's awesome and yay!!!"
Dammit, I hate people like that.
http://www.evilbible.com lists the atrocities the people in the holy Bible have committed. Obviously, non-believers who wish to discredit the faith reads the Bible more closely than the believers. While the non-believers think of the logic and hidden meanings, believers dwell on the spiritual aspect while conveniently ignoring the numerous issues in the Bible.
I hope everyone votes no. I hope people will become more open-minded and logical, and I fucking hope that people will start using their brains. Marriage is commitment, not children. Love is love, and not male/female love. Everyone should be allowed to love and marry someone.
Wait, no, the word allow shouldn't even be there in the sentence. Everyone can marry who(m?)ever they love. When this sentence becomes reality, we'll all be a whole lot happier. Except for certain people, who should have been born a few centuries back.
It makes me very distressed when people start being homophobic and religious.
7 March 2012
SHINee~
╔═╗╔╗╔╗╔╗╔═╗☆
║╚╣║╚╝║║║║║║╔═╗╔═╗☆
╠╗║║╔╗║║║║║║║╩╣║╩╣
╚═╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╩╝╚═╝╚═╝
...It looks nice.
...I apologize...? For wasting your time.
...But it does look nice.
║╚╣║╚╝║║║║║║╔═╗╔═╗☆
╠╗║║╔╗║║║║║║║╩╣║╩╣
╚═╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╩╝╚═╝╚═╝
...It looks nice.
...I apologize...? For wasting your time.
...But it does look nice.
6 March 2012
worrying about oneself
I honestly worry about myself, sometimes.
Not sure if I'm too advanced for everyone else, or just delusional.
I also worry about my sanity. And OCPD (by this point, I'm very sure that it's an accurate description/label for my actions).
I'm going off to label all my posts now.
Not sure if I'm too advanced for everyone else, or just delusional.
I also worry about my sanity. And OCPD (by this point, I'm very sure that it's an accurate description/label for my actions).
I'm going off to label all my posts now.
5 March 2012
My Interaction with Tamara
Sometimes, I'll reply to something with "you're hurting my poor, fragile heart", or "oh, my heart".
And Tamara...
"You don't have a heart."
"You never had a heart."
"Aw, that cold black nothingness of your heart."
Or something to that effect.
Glad we got that sorted out.
I really love Tamara and her insight. Spending time with me must have activated her bullshit detector. XD
Just to remind everyone that Tamara is a sexy bishh. Who tells me that I have no heart. Which I don't.
P.S. Phoebe is mai waifu, and I am insanely possessive of her. Also she is insanely possessive of me, or so I like to think. Anyway, I keep trying to get her to draw yaoi for me, and she keeps refusing.
And Tamara...
"You don't have a heart."
"You never had a heart."
"Aw, that cold black nothingness of your heart."
Or something to that effect.
Glad we got that sorted out.
I really love Tamara and her insight. Spending time with me must have activated her bullshit detector. XD
 |
| From left to right: Tamara, Phoebe, Me, Yonor |
Just to remind everyone that Tamara is a sexy bishh. Who tells me that I have no heart. Which I don't.
P.S. Phoebe is mai waifu, and I am insanely possessive of her. Also she is insanely possessive of me, or so I like to think. Anyway, I keep trying to get her to draw yaoi for me, and she keeps refusing.
4 March 2012
Fileshare sites? Don't you guys have starving children to deal with?
/EDIT:/ I wrote this quite a while back, when MegaUpload was shut down. I thought I posted it some time ago, but apparently not. So here it is.
Disclaimer (though I doubt it's much of a disclaimer anyway)
Everything in this post is my personal opinions. What I know of the situation is restricted to the internet. I am also not of legal age. I am thus not expected to know any better, but I suppose that's a moot point? This was also typed while I was under the considerable influence of Anger.
Hello, U.S. government, I hear that you've been going after the internet lately. Like, shutting down sites with some pirated content. Amongst all the completely legal and personal content uploaded there. So, yeah, I heard you were going after those sites and seizing their servers.
So, yeah, those servers kind of contain personal and quite possibly sensitive information. And you seize them. All. No warning, no subtle approach, just go straight in and seize everything just because you're with the goddamn fucking government.
Hey, man, thought you guys were free speech advocates. I thought you guys were like, all cool with the Declaration of Independence and everything.
Sorry, dude, I was wrong. Nice work with PIPA and SOPA. Now everyone really hates you. That was, really, a stupid move. It's stupid and retarded. It's stupid and retarded because it can't be called anything other than stupid and retarded.
You know how people just love the authorities messing around with them. Yeah, like how you must have loved your parents riffling through your bag when you were otherwise occupied or something. You must've totally loved that, because that's exactly what you're doing to the internet. You think we'd enjoy that.
Like, you guys going through our personal files without any warning or notice.
Bamf! Megaupload, R.I.P...........
And all the other fileshare sites scatter. Thank you. So much. For PIPA and SOPA and closing Megaupload and indirectly (or directly) causing several other sites to close their fileshare function. Because you are all fucking assholes who can't understand how the world works. Well, at least the internet.
The only good thing that comes out of this is that everyone can finally see that the U.S. government has no idea how to deal with the internet. They can't control it. So they try to control it.
And they're the ones complaining about China's firewall.
If China's a bastard and an asshole and absolutely horrible for setting up a firewall, then your PIPA and SOPA... well...
Anyway, you guys actually think the internet's more important than starving kids or a horrible education system or, well, everything. Let me give you a clue.
NO.
People who use the internet are people who can afford a computer. They don't need you worrying about them. People who complain about piracy make millions more (just a few million less than they would've liked). They don't need you worrying about them.
People who are living on the streets. People who are orphans. People who struggle to get food.
Shouldn't you be worrying about healthcare and education and employment rates? Or trying to do something about that trillion you borrowed from China.
I'm not sure about you government guys, but here in Asia, returning what you've borrowed is a big deal.
But I digress.
Apparently, the internet is influential enough for people to worry about. Apparently, free speech is code for something else. Apparently, you would rather control the majority than care for the minority. And apparently, you're not really sure what your people actually want.
I do think that it's a rather sad situation when people all over the world start criticizing the U.S. government. It's so obviously wrong that everyone's protesting. And then out pops another bill or something about the internet.
Just look at some of the 2012 election candidates. The word hopeless doesn't do them justice. Rick Santorum and his unhealthy obsession with homosexuality. Likening man-on-man to man-on-dog. I don't even want to know about the rest. The fact that this man is still in the running says a lot about... well, everything.
It's depressing when such things happen. It's depressing when a country starts focusing on the internet rather than the real, tangible problems in real life. Healthcare, education, employment - these are a few things that many people have talk about. Work on that before clamping down on fileshare sites just because the entertainment industry wants a few more million (or billion) dollars.
I'm planning to give more money to the music industry soon, anyway.
And I still think that the government sucks. For all you know, they could be looking through every piece of sensitive material you've stored on MegaUpload. They could be listening to the music and watching the videos and calling it research or something.
I'm not saying that it will definitely happen, and I'm not saying it won't. I'm just saying that it's very suspicious when the government gets off its ass and decides to seize a whole bunch of files, then become even more suspiciously silent.
I'm also saying that it's stupid and retarded to try to pass bills like PIPA, SOPA, and ACTA. But I'm not sure that any of the politicians behind the bills are observant enough to notice the blacklash. Instead, their poor secretaries...
I hope there are still some good, intelligent politicians left. I'm getting tired of all the bullshit people come up with.
/EDIT:/ I've decided that I like insulting people.
Disclaimer (though I doubt it's much of a disclaimer anyway)
Everything in this post is my personal opinions. What I know of the situation is restricted to the internet. I am also not of legal age. I am thus not expected to know any better, but I suppose that's a moot point? This was also typed while I was under the considerable influence of Anger.
Hello, U.S. government, I hear that you've been going after the internet lately. Like, shutting down sites with some pirated content. Amongst all the completely legal and personal content uploaded there. So, yeah, I heard you were going after those sites and seizing their servers.
So, yeah, those servers kind of contain personal and quite possibly sensitive information. And you seize them. All. No warning, no subtle approach, just go straight in and seize everything just because you're with the goddamn fucking government.
Hey, man, thought you guys were free speech advocates. I thought you guys were like, all cool with the Declaration of Independence and everything.
Sorry, dude, I was wrong. Nice work with PIPA and SOPA. Now everyone really hates you. That was, really, a stupid move. It's stupid and retarded. It's stupid and retarded because it can't be called anything other than stupid and retarded.
You know how people just love the authorities messing around with them. Yeah, like how you must have loved your parents riffling through your bag when you were otherwise occupied or something. You must've totally loved that, because that's exactly what you're doing to the internet. You think we'd enjoy that.
Like, you guys going through our personal files without any warning or notice.
Bamf! Megaupload, R.I.P...........
And all the other fileshare sites scatter. Thank you. So much. For PIPA and SOPA and closing Megaupload and indirectly (or directly) causing several other sites to close their fileshare function. Because you are all fucking assholes who can't understand how the world works. Well, at least the internet.
The only good thing that comes out of this is that everyone can finally see that the U.S. government has no idea how to deal with the internet. They can't control it. So they try to control it.
And they're the ones complaining about China's firewall.
If China's a bastard and an asshole and absolutely horrible for setting up a firewall, then your PIPA and SOPA... well...
Anyway, you guys actually think the internet's more important than starving kids or a horrible education system or, well, everything. Let me give you a clue.
NO.
People who use the internet are people who can afford a computer. They don't need you worrying about them. People who complain about piracy make millions more (just a few million less than they would've liked). They don't need you worrying about them.
People who are living on the streets. People who are orphans. People who struggle to get food.
Shouldn't you be worrying about healthcare and education and employment rates? Or trying to do something about that trillion you borrowed from China.
I'm not sure about you government guys, but here in Asia, returning what you've borrowed is a big deal.
But I digress.
Apparently, the internet is influential enough for people to worry about. Apparently, free speech is code for something else. Apparently, you would rather control the majority than care for the minority. And apparently, you're not really sure what your people actually want.
I do think that it's a rather sad situation when people all over the world start criticizing the U.S. government. It's so obviously wrong that everyone's protesting. And then out pops another bill or something about the internet.
Just look at some of the 2012 election candidates. The word hopeless doesn't do them justice. Rick Santorum and his unhealthy obsession with homosexuality. Likening man-on-man to man-on-dog. I don't even want to know about the rest. The fact that this man is still in the running says a lot about... well, everything.
It's depressing when such things happen. It's depressing when a country starts focusing on the internet rather than the real, tangible problems in real life. Healthcare, education, employment - these are a few things that many people have talk about. Work on that before clamping down on fileshare sites just because the entertainment industry wants a few more million (or billion) dollars.
I'm planning to give more money to the music industry soon, anyway.
And I still think that the government sucks. For all you know, they could be looking through every piece of sensitive material you've stored on MegaUpload. They could be listening to the music and watching the videos and calling it research or something.
I'm not saying that it will definitely happen, and I'm not saying it won't. I'm just saying that it's very suspicious when the government gets off its ass and decides to seize a whole bunch of files, then become even more suspiciously silent.
I'm also saying that it's stupid and retarded to try to pass bills like PIPA, SOPA, and ACTA. But I'm not sure that any of the politicians behind the bills are observant enough to notice the blacklash. Instead, their poor secretaries...
I hope there are still some good, intelligent politicians left. I'm getting tired of all the bullshit people come up with.
/EDIT:/ I've decided that I like insulting people.
AmonDerevex
Recently, I realise with horror that the AmonDerevex account has closed.
This is what happened.
My horror was equal parts where do I find their english names now and holy shit all the embedded videos in my blog, I have to change them all.
Please excuse me while I go and weep about why anyone would think it's okay to close and delete all those wonderful videos. Please also excuse me while I smash some things while procrastinating about replacing the videos.
[I just spent ten minutes (probably less) stalking around for Iroha's Tsukema Tsukeru. It is hard work, and I am not pleased. Why the fuck would AD close that fucking account. Is a hiatus not good enough. Ugh.]
I am extremely displeased. So displeased that I can't really muster up any other emotion.
/EDIT:/ Videos have been changed. Ugh.
This is what happened.
My horror was equal parts where do I find their english names now and holy shit all the embedded videos in my blog, I have to change them all.
Please excuse me while I go and weep about why anyone would think it's okay to close and delete all those wonderful videos. Please also excuse me while I smash some things while procrastinating about replacing the videos.
[I just spent ten minutes (probably less) stalking around for Iroha's Tsukema Tsukeru. It is hard work, and I am not pleased. Why the fuck would AD close that fucking account. Is a hiatus not good enough. Ugh.]
I am extremely displeased. So displeased that I can't really muster up any other emotion.
/EDIT:/ Videos have been changed. Ugh.
Confidence, self-esteem, and so on and so forth
I've read many many fanfiction where the characters go through a period of self-reflection. A good, long period of angsty self-reflection.
Mainly because their sense of identity was disturbed, or they have to rethink the meaning of their life, or even because they felt unsure of something, and somehow that managed to affect their confidence and self-esteem and they turn into a wreck who basically can't do much and needs a lot - a lot - of comforting. And maybe some gay make-up sex. But that's not the point.
The point is that I can't relate.
Now, it's not that I'm criticizing them for being all weepy and indecisive. I know there are plenty of real people in the world who turn into a pile of tears when traumatic and life-changing things happen. TV shows have plenty of characters like that. I personally know a few people who dissolve (and I really mean dissolve) when stuff happens.
They're completely entitled to do that. They can break down and cry and whatever. It's totally within their rights, and I think it's logical and understandable.
The problem here, as I've said before, is that I can't relate. I simply can't.
Let me give you an example. Millions of teenagers online would be hurt if someone sent them hate mail. Very vicious hate mail. Asking them to die. Or something. Anyway, they'll be hurt and they'll be sad. A large percentage of them would probably be depressed.
If the hate mail continued, some of the teenagers would probably sink into depression and consider suicide. They lose their sense of identity (or something, I'm not sure about that) and, well... something about who am I, why was I born, what is my purpose in life, maybe I should just die.
Okay. Their response would be something involving that.
My response would be a cutting reply going along the lines of every single word you just wrote is wrong and you are wrong and I am right and I love myself. I've actually done this before, several times. I find it fun to compose replies to hate mail. I enjoy getting hate mail.
I think my response says a lot about me. Either I'm an attention whore (which might not be that far off the mark, but it sounds bad) or I'm really well-adjusted and comfortable in my own skin and confident and ... you get it.
I don't do soul-searching. I mean, yes, I do that occasionally, but it's not an in-depth kind of thing. When I'm facing a moral dilemma (rarely; I usually just go along with whatever gets me what I want) I'll do a little soul-searching, but it's not deep or inspiring or weepy or anything.
It's not that I'm too stupid to do that, or that I'm too well-adjusted to need to do that. It's just that I mainly don't care.
I mean every bit of those two words.
I'm fine with who I am. I am, frankly, not interested in being a better, more enlightened, and spiritually whatever person. I know what I want - that is to say, superficial things like beauty and money and intelligence, and maybe some emotional things like happiness. Like, happiness. Basically, I want to be happy.
Wow, okay, I think I've realised that I'm a very self-absorbed person. Selfish. Definitely. Anyway.
I feel perfectly fine with screwing other people over for what I want (if the "screwing over" part doesn't mess with other people's idea of me and thus affect my future choices and/or opportunities... I think too much for my age.) So - not interested in becoming a better person for the good of mankind.
Honestly, while everyone's talking about global warming and saving the earth for future generations, my brain's going as long as I don't suffer, I don't care about future generations.
Maybe another bit of my brain's going it'll be rather interesting if the earth became a barren wasteland during my life, though.
... And I think I'm past the point of Weird and straight into Disregard for Personal Well-being.
BACK TO THE TOPIC.
I don't think about the future, or morals, or difficult choices, because I trust myself enough to know that I'll make the choice when the time comes. No, I am not being mushy and emotional. It's a fact - I know that I'll be able to deal with stuff, somehow, so I'm not going to worry too much, and anyway, it's too much work.
It's kind of good and not good at the same time. For one, I'm not going to have a long angsty period of self-reflection, which would make life easier for everyone because they won't have to deal with a weepy mess of Helen. But on the other hand, I'm not going to mature very much. (Moot point, though, I believe I'm already very mentally mature, I'm just lacking the experience.)
So, anyway. The whole post came about because I was reading a fanfiction and I was rolling my eyes at how the characters are killing themselves emotionally because they're not really sure of their identity and/or what to do with themselves.
(I had a mental picture of Lelouch staring into my soul, then snorting and saying, "You're really very... self-centred, aren't you?")
Mainly because their sense of identity was disturbed, or they have to rethink the meaning of their life, or even because they felt unsure of something, and somehow that managed to affect their confidence and self-esteem and they turn into a wreck who basically can't do much and needs a lot - a lot - of comforting. And maybe some gay make-up sex. But that's not the point.
The point is that I can't relate.
Now, it's not that I'm criticizing them for being all weepy and indecisive. I know there are plenty of real people in the world who turn into a pile of tears when traumatic and life-changing things happen. TV shows have plenty of characters like that. I personally know a few people who dissolve (and I really mean dissolve) when stuff happens.
They're completely entitled to do that. They can break down and cry and whatever. It's totally within their rights, and I think it's logical and understandable.
The problem here, as I've said before, is that I can't relate. I simply can't.
Let me give you an example. Millions of teenagers online would be hurt if someone sent them hate mail. Very vicious hate mail. Asking them to die. Or something. Anyway, they'll be hurt and they'll be sad. A large percentage of them would probably be depressed.
If the hate mail continued, some of the teenagers would probably sink into depression and consider suicide. They lose their sense of identity (or something, I'm not sure about that) and, well... something about who am I, why was I born, what is my purpose in life, maybe I should just die.
Okay. Their response would be something involving that.
My response would be a cutting reply going along the lines of every single word you just wrote is wrong and you are wrong and I am right and I love myself. I've actually done this before, several times. I find it fun to compose replies to hate mail. I enjoy getting hate mail.
I think my response says a lot about me. Either I'm an attention whore (which might not be that far off the mark, but it sounds bad) or I'm really well-adjusted and comfortable in my own skin and confident and ... you get it.
I don't do soul-searching. I mean, yes, I do that occasionally, but it's not an in-depth kind of thing. When I'm facing a moral dilemma (rarely; I usually just go along with whatever gets me what I want) I'll do a little soul-searching, but it's not deep or inspiring or weepy or anything.
It's not that I'm too stupid to do that, or that I'm too well-adjusted to need to do that. It's just that I mainly don't care.
I mean every bit of those two words.
I'm fine with who I am. I am, frankly, not interested in being a better, more enlightened, and spiritually whatever person. I know what I want - that is to say, superficial things like beauty and money and intelligence, and maybe some emotional things like happiness. Like, happiness. Basically, I want to be happy.
Wow, okay, I think I've realised that I'm a very self-absorbed person. Selfish. Definitely. Anyway.
I feel perfectly fine with screwing other people over for what I want (if the "screwing over" part doesn't mess with other people's idea of me and thus affect my future choices and/or opportunities... I think too much for my age.) So - not interested in becoming a better person for the good of mankind.
Honestly, while everyone's talking about global warming and saving the earth for future generations, my brain's going as long as I don't suffer, I don't care about future generations.
Maybe another bit of my brain's going it'll be rather interesting if the earth became a barren wasteland during my life, though.
... And I think I'm past the point of Weird and straight into Disregard for Personal Well-being.
BACK TO THE TOPIC.
I don't think about the future, or morals, or difficult choices, because I trust myself enough to know that I'll make the choice when the time comes. No, I am not being mushy and emotional. It's a fact - I know that I'll be able to deal with stuff, somehow, so I'm not going to worry too much, and anyway, it's too much work.
It's kind of good and not good at the same time. For one, I'm not going to have a long angsty period of self-reflection, which would make life easier for everyone because they won't have to deal with a weepy mess of Helen. But on the other hand, I'm not going to mature very much. (Moot point, though, I believe I'm already very mentally mature, I'm just lacking the experience.)
So, anyway. The whole post came about because I was reading a fanfiction and I was rolling my eyes at how the characters are killing themselves emotionally because they're not really sure of their identity and/or what to do with themselves.
(I had a mental picture of Lelouch staring into my soul, then snorting and saying, "You're really very... self-centred, aren't you?")
3 March 2012
Stress and/or Dehydration
I keep having nosebleeds lately. I have no idea why.
 |
| The pile of bloody tissues that I've accumulated today. |
Before you ask, yes, that's real blood. As to why it isn't appropriately red - I have some issues with haemoglobin. Iron deficiency, if I'm not wrong. I took a bunch of blood tests last year.
School here starts in January, and last month (Feb) I had a nosebleed. I was in the toilet, and I turned around, and suddenly blood was dripping from my nose onto the tiles. As to why there isn't a photo of that - I'm more concerned about stopping the bleeding than taking pictures to validate my claims.
A few days ago, at school, I was sitting in the auditorium when I had a nosebleed. Again. Some seniors sitting behind me offered me a packet of tissues, which I kind of snatched from their hands. And I didn't say thanks. As to why I didn't show any gratefulness - I was very very preoccupied with preventing the blood from dripping onto my all-white uniform. I value a clean uniform more than the happiness of some unknown seniors.
And today, at home...
Well, I had two nosebleeds. The picture of the bloody tissues is from the second nosebleed.
There's this (and this too) article which says that nosebleeds (also known as epistaxis) are a sign of stress. Something about blood pressure and stuff. I kind of think this theory might be true, because I haven't had any nosebleeds for about two years or more. The past two years were relatively stress-free. This year is definitely not.
When I say "stress-free", it simply means that I don't have to work at all to get good results. It does not indicate my stress level in the least.
I'm severely stressed out. I'm not someone who shows signs of stress. I'm not someone who even thinks about stress. I prefer to think about how angry and sleep-deprived my homework and schedule makes me, and spend my time being hateful to innocent children.
But this year - oh, dear god, fuck. I haven't adjusted to the new schedule, the new classmates, or the new... everything. And I have to take notes.
Take notes, I say. I do not take notes. I stare blankly into space or maybe write fanfiction during class, but I do not take notes. It says a lot about my current situation if I've started taking notes, of all things.
This means that I have to study (a little) to get my marks. Which I do not like. At all. It stresses me out.
Or something.
I can't really think straight right now because I'm a little dizzy from the blood loss. I'm serious.
Anyway, I know that I'm a lot more stressed this year.
Or maybe I'm dehydrated. I'm always rushing off to do stuff at school (mostly copying homework) so I hardly drink water. But I drink two glasses of water in the morning, and I drink a bottle of carbonated drink during lunch, and I drink more water when I get home.
I'm not sure. It could be enough or it might not be.
...
...
I'm just going to end this post here. I'm not sure what the point is, or if this post is actually going somewhere, but I'm really dizzy and my fingers are tired.
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