Is there some rule in the fucking Parents' Handbook that says: when your child is angry with you to the point of screaming, hyperventilating, and passing out, you should stay right there and tell them not to be angry? Despite the fact that you're the reason for them being angry in the first place? Despite how your child is telling you to get out, go away, because that's the only way your child can calm down? And then, after you've told your child not to be angry (which doesn't work because your child's been telling you that YOU'RE the problem and you just refuse to go away), you get angry at your child for being hysterical.
That's just what happened with my mother.
Well, she was about to beat me up when my father dragged her off. Which is not necessarily a good thing, because they shut themselves in their room to blame me for everything again. I can fucking hear it.
I've said it before and I'll say it again and I predict I'll be saying it forfuckingever, it's just not possible to reason with my parents. It just doesn't go anywhere.
A: They agree to your request, but grudgingly. This is only on the surface and there is no ideological change. They agree just to make you go away. Which makes you feel unimportant and like a pest.
B: They talk about unrelated things. The "talk" goes to hell, you try to bring them back on track, they don't listen, talk over you, laughs at your anger, goes even more off track. You get angry and go away because talking to them is unproductive and makes you so angry and irritated you're going to faint.
Also they have talks between themselves about how to "deal with" me. Which I can completely hear, and makes me feel like my existence is something they don't take seriously. They're never going to listen to me, they're just going to "deal with" me.
Like, you know, how you deal with a puppy. A problem. Something you can't communicate with. The idea of actually connecting with me probably has never occurred to them. They're not interested in my existence as a whole, they're interested in specific aspects of it.
For example, my health. My studies. That is it. I ask for money from them sometimes. They complain that I only talk to them when I want money. I try to talk to them about things. They wave me off. And then complain that I only talk to them when I want money.
I love them and all (yes I love them, somewhat, a little, in my way, and this kind of love really doesn't amount to much like I wouldn't do jackshit for them if it's too detrimental to me) but god. They're really shitty parents.
I've read a lot of psychology and parenting books, and while that doesn't make me an expert at all, it makes me enlightened enough to see when my parents fuck up and do things that parents are not supposed to do. I'd make a comprehensive list but I'm afraid I'd start listing every moment of my life, because that's how often my parents are bad parents. Like, not 'bad' as in jail-ish bad, but bad as in doing things that are detrimental to children that they don't have any good reason to do and could change that behaviour to something conducive to raising a child with minimum effort.
A: Comparing to other kids. They do this, all the time, casually. Like they just told my brother: "Write up your passage. [my brother interjects "I don't wanna!"] Well your friend A writes pages and pages in one go." They don't see a single problem with it. My father tells me all the time, "You know, there are SIXTEEN YEAR-OLDS interning at the company I work at." With emphasis on sixteen. "Just the other day this FIFTEEN YEAR-OLD BOY came for a job interview." And so on.
Which is extremely not productive and does nothing but demoralise your children, thank you very much. All children are not the same. Would you rather switch your child with that other one that you just praised? Because that's what your kid is hearing. Like, dad, d'you want me to drop out of school and take up a construction job? Would that make you happier? Huh? I know what I want to do and it has no relation to construction or engineering, and I am perfectly aware that people my age get jobs all the time, so you telling me that in that particular tone does nothing but insinuate that I am not good enough.
B: Insults. Both implied insults and straight-up "you're worthless" insults. I believe I've talked about this a lot. My mother in particular loves insults. "You'll never go anywhere in life." "Do you think with your results you can go to a good university?" "You'll just test badly and end up with a low-paying job sweeping the streets." "Don't hang out with your stupid friends." "You've been loitering around after school with your no-good friends again haven't you?" And she says all this vehemently, viciously, like she's enjoying it. She does it all the time.
I literally don't go a day without hearing some variant of "you have no future". But you know what's really sad? She's never going to get the concept of "people internalising insults and becoming exactly what you said they'd be". Also the concept "you see what you want to see". Also, this is the stupidest thing a parent can do. Like, the people who raised you and know you really well don't think you can do anything with your existence? "Oh, okay, what a bummer." Listen, it's not going to be "oh, bummer". It's going to be "I've got no future, I'd better go die." This is what suicides are made of.
C: Tell you that you're a burden, or that you're an obligation. I literally cannot stand this. Every time anyone says something like that, I get really angry. First of all, no one asks to be born into this world. You can like it or hate it but your existence wasn't chosen by you. To bring someone into this world and treat the person without love is the worst fucking thing you can do.
Everyone loves differently, like you can love someone very distantly, like "dude I care about your general existence". As long as there's love, it's okay. A child is not a THING. A child should never ever think that you got pregnant and had a kid and now years later you're regretting it. A child should never ever think that you had a kid and now you're stuck with it. A child should never ever think that you had a kid just to satisfy your parents or whatever.
Like you know, you could be "I had a kid to make society happy but yeah I love the kid a lot". That's fine and all, but let the fucking kid know?? That you love it??
Sometimes my father sighs and says very tiredly "We give you food and room and money. What else do you want?" Like WHAT. Or: "We put clothes on your back and food in your stomach, we've done everything we're supposed to." Wow that makes me so angry. WHY DID YOU HAVE A KID. Just to waste your money and time on it? What?
This is very hurtful to a child okay whether the child is five or fifty. Just no.
I could go on and on about how my parents really suck at being parents, but this post is nearing a thousand words and I have other things to do and my fingers hurt.
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