Anyway, i wanted to bitch about my mother some more. Recently she's been going ballistic over not seeing me study or do work (work, apparently, can only be work that's done the "old-fashioned" way, on paper - note my "sarc-marks") because I once told her I was too lazy to study and just barely didn't qualify for four H2 subjects. And that's ridiculous because if she's going to go anal about something relatively minor then it's just going to stop me from wanting to tell her anything at all.
Also she gets offended over me not being polite or calling her "mother", which is even more ridiculous because she only got angry about my politeness after an incident in which I passionately argued about the stupidity of politeness. Anyone can be polite, it's not even hard, and it's actually quite superficial so anyone who's taken by politeness and politeness only is quite stupid. Also I said that I only have to be polite to other people and not at home because other people will judge you for politeness because they're not close enough to you to interact without barriers, and I said ultimately the bottom line is my mother loves me and I love her, even if I really do hate her sometimes, so politeness is a stupid thing to get bothered about between the two of us.
(I mean really, I don't think I'd be in shambles if she died or anything, and I really don't care much about her, but I do love her somewhat, if only because she gave birth to me and raised me.)
Anyway she's been pissy ever since that day, which was actually my birthday. I had a maths test the day after my birthday so that was a bummer because I couldn't go out with friends and had to study until quite late (which I'll admit is my fault because I didn't study before that) and many of my friends said that they'd get me presents after that whole slew of tests.
It was a pretty lacklustre birthday and I actually forgot it was my birthday, which must surely mean that I'm getting old.
Back to the point, which is my mother. She kept getting pissier and pissier because apparently I wasn't doing any work and wasting my life away on the iPad when really I was super stressed about writing (typing it out, which isn't real work to my mother because it's done on the laptop) my CSE essay (China Studies in English, which is a bloody H2 subject and is currently stressing me the fuck out). Anyway she was pissy and started yelling, being physically aggressive kinda, insulting me (worthless, stupid, never amount to anything, the same things she always says when she's angry at me, so I'm pretty used to it and it's only irritating now).
So yesterday I came back home and realised after a while that my box of poker cards was missing. Okay so I have this nice black and silver metal box which l store my twelve sets of poker cards in and never touch. Those poker cards are anime/kpop editions and some of them are really nice so I put them in a closed box and put the box in my cupboard, which has a lock. I've mentioned before how crazy I get if peope touch my things without me knowing and I get ten times more irritated if they touch something that I specifically put away and never even touch myself. The box was missing and my cards were stacked up.
I thought my mother had taken the box because only she and my brother and the maid are ever home, and the maid wouldn't take it (she's Michelle and she's nice this time, I hope my mother won't send her away, I'm sick of always changing domestic helpers) and my brother wouldn't stack the cards up and the cupboard is too high for him to reach without a chair and why would he go into my room and go through my cupboard anyway. If something from my desk was missing I'd suspect my brother but this is the cupboard I'm talking about. Even I have trouble reaching it.
Anyway I demanded that my mother tell me where it is and she refused to say anything of value, which is basically "I didn't take it", "it's not with me", and instead did stupid things like start arguing with me because I didn't add the word "mother" when demanding the location of my missing property from her. Anyway i started looking in her room for the box, like opening drawers and stuff (the drawers and small and shallow so I only had to open and look to know if my box was there).
Afterwards my dad came out to ask about the noise and it turned out my brother had taken it. So I was stern about it and said "I hope you know what you did was wrong" and then my mother started going on about my rudeness and I thought that was insanely stupid. My brother had just stolen my stuff and reluctantly admitted it and showed no sign of guilt and she doesn't even say a word about it! In fact after that she tells him goodnight in a sickeningly sweet voice. And she chooses to pick a fight about superficial manners instead of stealing?????
I do understand that going through her room and maligning her was bad and I would completely have apologised had she not been so pissy about it. I was actually on the verge of apologising when she started lecturing me about my rudeness instead of saying anything about my brother going into my room and stealing my things. And then I pointed out that she should probably scold my brother instead. And then she pretended I didn't say anything and continued being even angrier at me.
This is utterly stupid. I haven't spoken to her in about three days or something because she insists on being angry all the time. Like frowning and saying everything angrily (the "it's your fault" tone) and choosing angry words to express everything. There's this particular Asian way of being unpleasant, and it's really hard to describe. Like, all prickly and sensitive and bloody fucking self-righteous about her stupid meaningless anger. And saying that you're a stupid worthless person to another person in a volume that is totally loud enough for everyone around to hear.
I am so angry and tired and I cannot muster up enough anything to respond to her. Her presence in the house just stresses me out so much. Is it that hard to tone it down? She has high blood pressure and takes medication for it and moans incessantly about it (just as she likes to moan about her weak heart and pretty much every other injury, real or not).
And she won't stop saying "I have high blood pressure, you'd better stop making me angry", which first of all is pretty stupid because you can make the decision to be angry or not. For minor things like someone not showering the minute they get home, not being at the dinner table the second dinner starts, etc etc... Getting angry over those things are entirely a choice. I'd understand if she gets angry over someone calling her parents names, but come on. No one in this family does anything to really make her angry, because all she needs to get angry is someone not obeying her. It's that easy. So it's completely stupid to blame her emotions on everyone else.
Also I am pretty sure that's emotional blackmail. "If you don't pander to my whims I'll get high blood pressure and die" or something. So ridiculous. She's not a child any more. And even children don't do that. What's also very stupid is the fact that my father is so tired of her anger that he gets irritated for her sake - so he gets angry if I don't treat her like a delicate glass ornament like she wants.
This whole situation is mind-bogglingly ridiculous. And it makes me so tired and stressed and I already get enough of that from school.
Once in CSE I asked my teacher about central-local relations. Governors of provinces want to get promoted, and to be promoted their province must perform well economically. So if one province makes money at the expense of another province, and the governor of the richer province gets promoted, he'll be in a higher position. And in that position he'd have to deal with the income inequality that he created anyway, so why not just work together to increase the net profit of the country? And my teacher said "I don't think they think that far", which is depressing and true and applies to life, basically.
A lot of people just don't think. (This includes my parents and some other people I know.) I don't mean to say that Chinese people (those provincial governors) are stupid, because we watched a documentary on China and everyone in it was Chinese and had amazing insights about the situation. I just want to say that everything could be so much easier if everyone just thought about things for a second, rationally, logically, taking account of the circumstances and other people and emotions and everything. Just think. Which is apparently really difficult.
The GOP in America is a reallt good example of stupidity, because everything that comes out their mouth makes me want to smash my face into a brick wall so that I could stop existing in the same universe as those idiots (who are leading the country!! holy shit that scares me lots and I hope it scares you too). And it's not like I think all of America is stupid, because my CSE teacher is American and he's actually brilliant.
But it seems to be a trend that many people in positions of power are stupid. Like my school (actually the student council mostly), which organised a founder's day and invited the alumni and didn't bother having ushers and so the alumni were all stumbling around because the campus moved like three times at least. And in Uganda where my teacher said high-ranking people use the anti-homosexual thing partly to distract the people from real issues.
Everything just makes me angry and it's been making me angry for quite a while (about four, five years) and I don't think it'll ever stop making me angry so I'll probably still be writing stupid blog posts about stupid things in fifty years.
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