some "drama' between me and a girl called J

so this is going to be about some "drama" i had with a girl called J. it's going to be long. and wordy.





i'm real sick and tired of J, this whole thing, and talking about this whole thing. but i decided to write it down just so i have a record of what went on and what i thought. i don't want to be convinced otherwise about what went down by people a few months/years later.

so. J.

i've known J since I was like 16? we were classmates and were in the same cca. i wasn't too close to her, but we generally disagreed on things but both enjoyed (non-confrontational, a little passive-aggressive) debate with each other.

so i graduate from high school and go to a different uni from her, and my only contact with her is through facebook. we both share articles on facebook, and sometimes we write some comments about what we think. just to give you a general idea of what's normal.

though, recently, she's been quite obviously not engaging with me. by which i mean ignoring my comments (replying to others on the same post but not to me) or giving me some half-assed reply (like a single smiley emoji, or "i see where you're coming from :)", just very passive-aggressive and dismissive stuff), or going the ad hominem route. nothing too serious, just, "why are you so worked up about this, helen?" "you're so angry about this", etc.

i'm not real happy with this shit, but all right, there's nothing actually WRONG about all this.

now, through all this, i've called her out on her shit a couple of times. some sexist joke shares, some illogical arguments, etc. she doesn't reply to those. so as her number of dumbass/off-colour posts increase, so do the number of times i call her out, and so does the aggression in my comments. i'm just not chill with her doing the same shit over and over when i know for a fact that i've explained to her why it's not the best. i mean, if she does that, it means that she's aware that her posts are sexist etc, and if she continues, i really might have to reevaluate whether i want to continue associating with her.

and the real kicker is: she never responds. so i don't know what she actually thinks. does she think i'm wrong? that those posts aren't off-colour? does she agree? does she just have an entirely different perspective from me? does she just hope that i'll fuck off if she continues not replying? i have no idea!

so i continue as per normal, but i don't interact with her unless it's a truly stupid dumb post.

and the truly dumb post that sparks off the drama appeared. like a few days ago.

she shares this article.

tl;dr: ichiran, a popular ramen place, has been overworking their part-time staff. legal limit is 28 hours/week, but workers at ichiran have been working like 39 hours/week. among other labour law violations.

and she says (won't share the screenshot, since her facebook isn't on public, but i'll quote from her post)

1. "Such BAD writing by the Straits Times"
2. "It is unfair ... [to call] this 'illegal', and 'overworking foreign students'"
3. "working hours of 28 hrs/week which is SO LOW" (keep in mind she said in the same post that the students are part-timers)
4. "Working 39 hours a week is NOT being overworked at all."
5. "HOW WOULD ST not know their English?!"
6. "we work way longer for internships and get paid PEANUTS" (in context, she means that the situation is incomparable to sweatshops, and so are low-paying internships)
7. "severe misrepresentation, due to word choice"
8. "unfairly taint the company's reputation and image for such a small incident"
9. "The employees are remunerated SO WELL for their time!" 
10. "so what if they work 39 hours (only) for a week?"

which is.... complete and utter bullshit. 

there's no bad writing, no inappropriate word choice, nothing unfair about it, and absolutely no goddamn misrepresentation. the hell was she on? the situation DOES constitute illegal overwork, and both "illegal" and "overwork". it is literally the law and here she was, saying that the law is ... wrong?

fyi, some real basic and general info about part-time work and the labour situation in japan: 

• part-timers have a legal limit to their working hours for 2 main reasons: 
• to protect them from exploitation: they're cheaper than full-time workers and don't get the same benefits (like health insurance)
• to protect regular workers' jobs/to prevent employers from just hiring part-time workers for everything just to save costs
• there are many foreign students in japan who are frequently used as cheap labour by companies, which means local workers are passed over for jobs
• job market is not too good in japan right now

her long-ass post really sent me for a loop. and so i replied, calling her out on her bullshit. i don't have screenshots (for reasons i'll go into later) but i wasn't the most polite and understanding. didn't really cuss at her or anything (told her to stfu) and essentially said "it's literally illegal, what are you on??"

what i really got pissed off about were:

1. her calling it misrepresentation when it's NOT. it IS illegal and it IS overwork
2. her completely not understanding why the limit on part-timers' hours exist
3. she's not in a position to criticise a newspaper about bad english and whatnot when 
1. it's not bad english
2. who tf does she think she is
4. implying that those students have it good/better than her - through comparing internships to part-time work

having addressed the first 2 points, i'll go on to the 3rd. J, what the effing fuck? 

internships and part-time work are completely different things. part-time work is for money, usually for living expenses. internships are for industry exposure/work experience. different goals, different circumstances. can you imagine the goddamn privilege in having a cushy internship and then complaining that you're not paid enough... to people providing literal labour 39 hours a week WHILE studying? also, what the fuck? the salaries aren't high at all. there's a reason companies like hiring foreign part-time workers. they're cheaper.

seriously, J, if you think they have it so good, why don't you go take their place?

so the real drama starts here. 

i screenshot it all and send it to mike, because icb how ridiculous this is?? and mike comments on the same post saying basically: she works fnb like those students, and if she were working 39 hours a week she'd "literally die"

J replies to that comment saying some shit like "oh i wasn't saying it's not illegal, i just meant that the portrayal is not appropriate. etc". my inner voice reads that in a whiny bitch tone.

J completely blanks me.

J then sends a private message to mike, along the lines of "i didn't want to reply to helen because" and i quote here "you know what she'll be like"

mike is, as basically everyone knows, my best friend. J is seriously trying to talk about me behind my back... to my best friend?? the audacity. the sheer stupidity. of course mike tells me about the message.

at this point i'm real sick and tired of J being such a duplicitous bitch. she wants to maintain friendly relations with me WHILE ignoring me AND talking shit about me? 

no, bitch. no. i'm not having it. i decide that i'm sick of dancing around the issue and pretending i'm fine with her problematic ass. i want an answer - she gonna reply to all my invitations for discussion or not? 

if she's just not going to reply then i won't bother commenting. if she's bothered by it and hopes i'll go away if she ignores it for long enough, then i'll stop commenting. BUT if she's going to ignore just me and reply to everyone else and on top of that talk about me behind my back? then i'm willing to unknow J. i won't be disrespected.

so i make a post on her facebook wall, basically asking if she's going to engage in discussions with me or if i should just not bother. i felt that it was a strongly-worded (i.e. a little demanding) but polite and neutral post, and implied that i was open to suggestions. i don't have a screenshot of that (for reasons i'll go into later).

the main content of all the replies of that post boils down to:

• her asking me why i'm so angry (seriously, is she only capable of calling someone angry vs not angry? doesn't she have any other descriptive words to use? doesn't she understand complex shades of emotions?)
• her telling me that she was busy doing something. i said "nice excuse", upon which she tells me that she was driving. which i'd believe if not for the fact that:
• she clearly was capable of texting mike during that same time period
• she literally admitted to mike that she didn't WANT to respond, not that she COULDN'T
• so basically she lied to my face
• her making it sound like i'm forcing her to reply to every comment i post, which i keep have to rebut with "i never said that" and "i don't mean that" and explicitly telling her that it's totally her prerogative to respond and i don't mind if she doesn't respond, i just want to know what to expect from my attempts to interact. upon which she totally ignores my clarifications and goes on about "what do you want me to do, helen?" bitch i want to know what you want to do.
• ends with her asking "so what should i do in response, helen?" to which i said, "J, as i have said, and keep telling you... just tell me straight up what you think, for example 'i'm not interested in replying' or 'i don't like replying to you' or 'i don't want to talk' or 'i don't like you'"

woah, that was long. and it's not even over.

she gradually stops replying so i'm like, ok i'll leave it be. then she send me a private message. a LONG-ASS message, in which she:

• "I’ve removed the post since we’ve came to a conclusion already 😊"
• "idw to keep replying people who ask me why the person is rude and aggressive; I know you’re candid but I don’t wish to have to explain that to others"'
• how many fcking people are messaging her about it? my post had like attention from one mutual acquaintance.
• also, condescending much?
• ALSO, (and this is repeated later) i'm pretty goddamn sure she's just trying to call me rude and aggressive, but is too much of a coward to admit that she thinks that way. it's real pathetic to hide your opinions behind "people"
• "but people have wrote to me to tell me that such a bullying and utterly disrespectful, even tho I felt the discussion got better when I responded to you politely!
• those "people" again! wow just say it, you feel like you were being bullied
• she's, again, framing it as if i was the only one at fault, and that i was attacking her in some way. i wish i had the screenshots to prove how unrude and unbullying i was - i don't deny being aggressive, but as for being rude and being a bully? yeah... lies.
• "been advised by people who asked me about why the person is so rude to remove this social media contact"
• stop with the "people", it's either that one mutual acquaintance or just your own opinion. how many goddamn people are messaging you about it? 5? 10? we share a lot of mutual friends on facebook and not a single person messaged me about it.

subsequently, in the short conversation, she:

• "I didn’t talk behind your back ._."
• like... mike has screenshots of you doing exactly that? literally what are you trying to accomplish here? 
• i've alluded to her private message to mike in the replies on the facebook post. so she definitely knows that mike told me about it. so...?? why is she lying again? when she knows that i know the truth? seriously, what the hell?
• "That’s just my friends opinion"
• so she said that she didn't like the "manner" with with i approached the issue, which i took to mean that she didn't like having a public discussion, and also she said "I know you don’t see the need to keep things confidential and measured ... But ... if other people do you can’t deny them their preference right?" which i took to mean that she was one of those people who prefer to have a private discussion
• guess what? i said, "you never requested to keep those things private or requested that we change to PM so... telling me afterwards defeats the point? " which, yeah, i stand by. if she had told me that she preferred PM while we were having the discussion, i would've been fine with switching to PM. i've never even obliquely hinted at being anything other than perfectly happy to change to PM
• and guess her reply. yeah. her "friends" again. it's never her own opinion even though... it clearly is? there is literally nothing with liking privacy, yet she just!! won't!! say it?!?!

you know, at that point i'm just tired as fuck. i'm feeling a little gaslighted, though i don't think she exactly meant to do that. 

some reasons why it felt like gaslighting:

1. she kept putting words into my mouth
2. when i correct her interpretation of my words, she steamrolls right over it and ignores it. 
3. tries to convince me of her narrative by calling me rude/aggressive/disrespectful (when honestly? isn't lying to my face more disrespectful and rude?)
4. tbh talking with her makes me woozy and genuinely so confused that i start questioning reality
5. also i searched up gaslighting just to make sure i had it correct, and what she does matches an alarmingly number of signs (i'm willing to disclose, but only through PM)

at first i was like "lmao this feel like gaslighting" but the more i google the more alarmed i get. like, this shit is actually making me worried!

in any case she said she was going to unfollow me, but she actually unfriended me. okay, yeah sure.

i haven't talked to her since. i don't plan to. 

basically my stand is that: i don't care what you do to me/say about me. but you'd better not lie to my goddamn face about what you did. that is like the height of disrespect, like bitch, you really thought i couldn't tell?

she's got mutual acquaintances who are closer to her than me thinking that i'm really aggressive when as far as i can tell, there's nothing in what i said (to those mutual acquaintances) that could be construed as aggressive. i'm direct, but i'm usually pretty neutral about aggression. she's got them biased against me but... i could do without those people. they're closer to her then me and there's a reason for that. they're a LOT more similar to her.

i keep thinking about the gaslighting thing and i'm just glad that she's out of my life, whether it really was amatuer gaslighting or not.

additional info: so i commented on an article one of those mutual acquaintances shared, and the mutual acquaintance (MA) later said she felt my comment was "aggressive". 

her: "I felt that your initial comment came across as more aggressive than needed. I welcome the discussion, though hopefully with less of a confrontational tone in the future."

me: "I'm not sure which part came across as aggressive? Please let me know so I can tone it down haha."

it's been a couple of days. radio silence from her. 

y'all, if you have criticism for me, better back it up. 

on another note, i don't know why these people feel like they're entitled to police my tone... like... how do you get that kind of ego? how do you develop into someone who's so unintentionally condescending? how are you trying to police my tone when you're so tone deaf you can't tell you're being condescending?

every day is a twilight zone day for me.