sometimes i feel like im living in a world full of idiots. but then i think, no, that can't be. there are so many people who are better than me at so many things. how could they be idiots? i'm not in any position to call them idiots. but honestly... it's not a matter of intelligence, it's a matter of rationality.
this morning i woke up to the sound of my parents discussing the matter of a lost ipad mini. apparently while they were at church yesterday, they'd left it somewhere and now... well, it's probably unrecoverable. they just got louder and louder, and it's incredibly unpleasant to wake up to the sound of people being disagreeable. i just start thinking, well, it's fucking lost, isn't it? can't you just find a solution and shut the fuck up? why do you need to go over a lost ipad for a whole hour? either you buy one or you don't, either you try looking for it in other places or you just fucking don't.
it's not the first time i've woken up to idiocy early in the morning.
anyway, i wake up, get out, can't stop myself from sassing them. i'm not a morning person. at all. ever. i'm just incredibly groggy and mean in all mornings, and you'd think my family would know after living with me for 19 years, but... ok, whatever.
i say things to my brother along the lies of "even if our mother lost it, she bought it, so she doesn't have any responsibility towards you for losing it, the responsibility is towards herself". he says things like "shut up shut up shut up", which is just incredibly rude (well, i've come to expect that from him). then he gets mad, leaps and me and starts punching/kicking me.
i could probably deal with him, i've been literally fighting with him for years. he's just a flailing mess, not very coordinated, and all i have to do is pin a nerve or twist his arm behind his back. it's just that he's physically bigger than me.
whatever, my mother pulls him off, screams at everyone to shut up, says that no one is allowed to speak. like, no one. then she sit right there and uses her phone.
of course, my brother being 9 and dumb, grabs an empty glass, thinks he can threaten me, mimes things like "go back to your room or i'll throw this glass at you". bitch. i changed your fucking nappies and i'll fucking die before i listen to your dumbassed irrational ideas. i do nothing, he splashes what's left in the glass at me.
then he points at me, and damn it if i'm letting my brother point an accusing finger at me when he's the one who's wrong. as always, i grab his index and bend it back. it's painful because he's not flexible, but not dangerous because i also have a grip on this palm so i won't break his finger by bending it too far.
if you know anything about my dumb parents by now, it's that they react disproportionately to anything i do. so my mother literally leaps on me, starts beating me. i'm not about to let that go, so we start the old fucking routine of "why the fuck are you beating me for something minor when you let my brother off for something major".
(oh, somewhere in the middle of all this, they comment about how they only had my brother because of 9 year old me being upset that everyone else had siblings but i didn't. they say it like i'm supposed to be pleased that they had a whole human being based on the whims of a 9 year old. every time they say it, i think they're dumber. why would 2 functioning adults base their childmaking on the opinions of a 9 year old kid? just don't)
whatever, we all know my mother is a shit parent. so she does the old fucking "i'll punish everyone equally no matter what they actually did" and all that ever does is teach my brother shit things like beating someone up (him to me) is as bad as bending his finger (me to him). technically beating someone half dead and slapping someone are both assault, but if you take these two cases to court, guess which gets thrown out on its ass?
i can't take her dumb routine, which just screams "i don't know how to parent" despite, you know, having 19 years of experience, and also "i don't care enough about my kids to be a proper parent" despite, you know, having 2 kids. every time she starts this up i know nothing else is going to go into her brain, so i just leave, sassing all the way.
i literally don't express my anger in any way other than running my mouth. in this whole fucking family i'm the least violent by a huge margin. i didn't use to be like this, but god, it just disgusted me how they all just start being physical when they get angry, and that physical-ness just stops their brain or something. it disgusted me so much that i made myself who i am today, which is nothing new because whoever i am right now is entirely produced by myself. all my changes are self-induced and deliberate.
anyway back to me running my mouth. that's the only method of relieving anger that i use that actually affects others in any way at all. usually i type angry posts or listen to music or just read a fic, which, to be fair, doesn't relieve my anger so much as just wipe it away or hide it somewhere. i don't like being around people when i'm emotional/i don't like being emotional around people at all because i don't like affecting them. they'll misconstrue it as me being upset at them instead or something.
so i run my mouth (and i don't say things that are ridiculous, i just call out how ridiculous their actions are) and predictably my mother gets upset and violent, my father gets angry but tries to hold her back. he comes to "talk" to me but i say one word and he gets so angry that he does the clenchy hands and thin lips angry face like he swallowing a mouthful of bread. he goes off, but when he's angry he can't control his strength, so i guess he's a bit rough with my mother.
then again, my mother is whiny as fuck, as if no one can ever upset her in any way at all, so i don't know. she just whines a lot, complains a lot, does the whole fucking routine on how i'm no longer her daughter and she's cutting me off (honestly i wonder how many times she does this in a year, because the average number seems to be going up every year).
somehow she ends up literally sobbing like everything is about her. she just goes on and on about how everyone wants to upset her, like she's some kind of victim when she's not. newsflash: she's a fucking parent and she should be dealing with the situation instead of sobbing like a fucking child.
she goes on and on about "oh, my blood pressure is so high, my children want to kill me" when she should've just turned around and left the argument if her blood pressure couldn't take it. she's the one with the high blood pressure, she's also an adult, she should be the one managing her own condition instead of expecting everyone to tiptoe around her and give her special treatment. hello?? do you know how many fucking people have high blood pressure? am i supposed to let every single one of them do as they like to avoid angering them and raising their blood pressure? it's not like high blood pressure kills you every time you get angry either.
she goes on about "why do they have to hurt each other to realise they're siblings" like... i don't get it?? i know we're siblings all the time?? and it's not like we suddenly kiss and hug after hurting each other??
she goes on about "they can only donate blood to each other if they need it"... bruh. i'm blood type O. it's literally the most common blood type. our whole family is type O.
and what i mean is, she's just over there in her room, sobbing and being hysterical and saying absolutely crazy things. it's really disgusting. and i use this word because bile actually starts rising when i hear this. it upsets my stomach because of how stupid it is, and how stupidly emotional it is. i mean, is it something like, your logic gets stuffed out your ears when you get emotional?
i mean!!!!! i get emotions too, but i'm also rational and in control of my actions. my rationality controls my actions, not my emotions, and if i let my emotions control my actions i would actually have killed someone already because i get angry as fuck sometimes. and because i am rational, i can dial back my emotions if there's a need to.
i mean!!!!!!!!!!!! if i can do that, if 14 year old me could recognise the need for me to become someone like this, why the fuck can't two adults do it? why the fuck can't two adults be rational?
i think my mother needs to be on medication for her mood swings and violence, and my father has anger management issues. i'm not saying it's extreme to the point where, i don't know, they've got to be hospitalised or put in a ward, but they should definitely see a therapist. unfortunately they're very asian and they'll probably never see a therapist till the day they die. and unfortunately they're very asian and will probably never recognise their own emotional issues until the day they die.
also unfortunately is how their own problems prevent them from being a good parent to my brother. i mean, they provide for him, buy him things, are there for him emotionally, discipline him sometimes... but they're also inconsistent, violent, sometimes childish to the point where my brother (a kid!!!!) has to be the better person and back off. they're teaching the wrong values to him and not being a source of support that he can rely on. they don't rationalise anything to him, because they're usually too tired or can't care enough or can't rationalise it themselves. so my brother grows up not knowing the reasoning behind a lot of things, which could seriously hurt him when he grows up.
plus! i have personal beef with how they blame all his bad habits on me, when he literally sees me once a week or something. he's clearly learned it all from them because he interacts with them all the time, they're the ones at liberty to correct him/teach him otherwise, BUT they just decide to blame it on me like wtf?? what he says is literally a carbon copy of my parents, and whereas i've grown apart from my parents over the years, he's only grown closer. in personality and basically everything else.
anyway this is why i'm once again wondering if the world is full of idiots on monday morning.
why do people get more over harsh words than someone literally beating someone up? i guess they feel like their personhood is being attacked instead of just their person, but c'mon, if your position were defensible, you'd be defending it, not lashing out. if you had reasons to do the things you did, you'd feel righteous and proceed to explain how right you are, instead of getting violent. something like, "did you just say i'm wrong! listen here u shit, i am soooo right" instead of "how dare you say i'm wrong! *slap slap punch*"
i feel like getting physical is so dumb because it doesn't solve your problems and could end up with people getting seriously hurt. i think getting physical is like saying you're too weak to deal with emotions, so you have to let them out in the least productive way ever.
so i basically have no respect for people who lash out with their fists all the time, and no respect for people who just break down and cry all the time.
this applies to general, functioning people, because i understand that some conditions can make you do such things despite yourself. i don't blame people who can't, i blame people who can but won't.
i mean, do they ever think about what it means when they get angry over nothing, or violent over nothing? like, do they want to be that kind of person? because i seriously doubt anyone wants to be that kind of person. then why don't people change themselves????????????
it's like, they don't want to be someone like that so badly that they're in denial that they're someone like that and won't recognise their issues and therefore can do nothing towards solving that problem which is DUMB. why the fuck would you let your emotional hang-ups get in the way of enjoying life and being the person you want to be.
god i hate it when people get emotional, because that usually means they get dumb. i just really hate emotions sometimes because most people can't control them and end up doing really stupid shit because of them.
it's not like i can't appreciate emotions, because some emotions can inspire you to create some super awesome things, like art, whatever. but i hate it when emotions make people destructive. like some mindless monster. god. i just feel like people aren't even human when they let their emotions take over.
i think i've gone on enough about this.
i have so many issues with my family, but i'm not going to let them get in the way of enjoying life. i just get a lil angsty over this shit sometimes. like i'm weary about how people just keep doing the same shit over and over mindlessly. can you just reign your emotions in. can you just be rational (!!!!!!!!).
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