fyp post

ive just been too stressed and worried and scared of failure to even talk about my final year project until it's done and ive received my grade. well, now it's all over and i can finally talk about it without wanting to literally die.

so anyway i did it in one week, and consulted my supervisor about like... 2 times. i didn't sleep for a week, i'm not too sure ? but i was doped up on coffee.

i was like, as long as i pass... turns out i got an A-, which honestly is far far beyond my wildest dreams. i initially thought there's no way i'd ever get to do a masters with a shitty fyp, and that my academia life would end with a bachelors... but this grade has given me renewed hope? some professors said i lacked self confidence but like i seriously have no idea whether im actually good or if it's just inflated because other people are shit. some say that's the same thing but idk

in any case im not interested in academia unless it's necessary later in my life, because research just stresses me out so much. like i care about theories and stuff and i'll gladly debate about them, but i don't care in any meaningful or practical way. it stops bothering me the moment we end the conversation. im just intensely unmotivated for research without practical applications.

anyway it's on to the next thing that i can worry myself to death over and never talk about until it's done and settled: finding a job

starting to think i seriously need a therapist. as opposed to previously when i thought having a therapist would just be nice. i have a lot of unresolved and completely unaddressed issues 

sakura photos 2020

samsung s10+ & nikon d600? 24-70 f2.8

creative fiction class, early 2018

prose (A-) and poetry (A) i submitted for my creative writing module

prose is just an edited version of this post because i couldn't be bothered. the poetry was basically written in bits on my phone during the class itself (sent it to myself via telegram) then edited. hz9101 was one of the easiest mods ive ever taken and it's totally worth it for the free A

2020

some things that i have been thinking about:

• how i hate my mom
• how my parents are pretty terrible parents
• admitting to myself that i have self-esteem and intimacy issues
• how i have a HUGE procrastination issue, which according to experts is because i'm afraid of failure, which... is just true
• how i mf hate everything on this earth sometimes
• how a load of money would make me feel instantly more secure and less sad and crabby towards the world in general. 

to be honest there hasn't been a lot of positive things happening lately. i mean, most things in my life are on track, but things being on track doesn't exactly inspire a lot of happiness in me. 

for now i gotta write my damn essays, so i can spend some time crying for stress relief. then after i manage to graduate, take a month-long vacation or something and write a little bit. maybe progress as a person a bit. but, you know, academics first. 

god i hate how this world works.

post from early in 2019

so im back again, thinking about just jumping off the tall building that i conveniently live in.