*if you're looking for those Amanda Todd nudes, go to tumblr. There are a lot of them. Amanda was no angel. Amanda brought it upon herself. Amanda is whiny. (Was whiny??)
This is a comment reply to the comment left by an anon on my post about Amanda Todd.
Dear anon,
*you're
That aside, I fail to see how I have been narrow-minded. I fail to see where I have created scenarios and then presented them as facts.
I feel the need to explain my words, which you seem not to understand.
Viewing this incident from another point of view does not mean that I am narrow-minded. The possibilities that I have examined are mere possibilities, and nowhere is my post do I say that that is exactly what has happened.
"Clear signs of complete lack of understanding to the mentally unstable". Sir, in what way is it "clear" that I have a "complete lack of understanding" of the mentally unstable? Are you qualified to identify and categorize who understands the mentally unstable, and who does not? Sir, please read the following sentence slowly: no one is able to understand those who are mentally ill.
I severely doubt that you yourself understand what the mentality of Amanda Todd was, so please restrain yourself.
I question the authenticity of the story because Amanda Todd herself presented it. As the "victim", she is definitely biased towards her own viewpoint. The video was made for sympathy; it was calculated for maximum emotional impact. Although I question her story by using words like "apparently", I do not say that it is false.
Also, anon, "apparently" is a perfectly acceptable word when one is unable to ascertain the facts.
Suicide is not wrong, in my opinion, but it is extremely selfish. Selfishness is a human instinct. We tend to put ourselves first. There is no need for you to say that you "know" that it is "wrong".
Let me now address your point about the two options that we are left with. We can either "mourn her death and try and use it to eradicate bullying or we can not mourn it and bitch about how selfish she was for killing herself". I must say that those two options are narrow-minded.
Mourning her death has a certain limit. It is tasteless for people who have never known Amanda and will never know Amanda to make posts about what a "wonderful girl" she was. They know nothing about her personality, just as I know nothing about her personality. I merely object to people who pour out useless sympathy to dead people.
All we know are her actions, and her actions don't seem to be very positive. The media glosses over her drug and alcohol abuse, and chooses to capitalize on the tragedy of her young age, and how she was bullied.
This is, anon, is most certainly not using her death to eradicate bullying. I see nothing on twitter about "Amanda Todd RIP. Today I will stop bullying kids and be nice to outcasts", and nothing on facebook about "Amanda Todd's death serves as a chilling warning to us about the effects of bullying. Pledge to stop bullying today! Like this page 'Against Bullying'!".
Instead, social media is flooding with posts about how she was pretty, how she didn't deserve to die, how her bullies should rot in hell (and creating a whole new vicious cycle of verbal abuse).
You are mistaken about this.
We could also "not mourn it and bitch about how selfish she was for killing herself". I have done nothing of the sort. I did not "bitch" about her death, mainly because there was nothing for me to bitch about. Anon, my post was about how I found this incident to be overblown and thoroughly irritating. She's dead, and your sympathy is useless.
I did not say that she was selfish for killing herself. What I emphasized, several times, was the fact that she made very stupid decisions. Her selfish actions have no direct impact on me, hence I mentioned it sparingly. However, I did state in the beginning that this post was a result of the flood of sympathy on social platforms. That affected me, and that is what I was "bitching" about.
I understand how you might be mistaken about the point of my post. The section about Amanda Todd's video is a whole lot longer than the section about useless sympathy for a dead girl.
Dear anon, your inflammatory comment has no substance, and to be honest I am at a loss as to what you wished to convey. Your points were insufficiently explained, and even though I spent quite a few minutes puzzling over what exactly you wanted me to do, and what exactly were your feelings towards this post. I am equally confused about your "childish" comment, and your "that's just my two cents and your welcome to yours".
You're welcome to reply to this.
P.S. There is no need to say that I have touched on "good points" if you don't really think so. Which, as I assume from your first comment, you do not.
14 October 2012
a short post about amanda todd
*it was supposed to be a short post, but then it became really long.
*if you're looking for compromising pictures of Amanda Todd, go to tumblr. There are more than a lot of compromising photos. Amanda was no angel.
First of all, I'm writing this because I'm irritated. Twitter and Facebook were flooded with sympathy and pity and "she's so pretty, she didn't deserve to die" and WHAT THE FUCK.
This is a video that she posted on the 7th of September this year:
Her story was that during seventh grade, she went online and chatted with strangers over webcam. The strangers called her "beautiful", "perfect", and asked her to flash them. Apparently, a year later, she did.
I'm not sure what came over her, but it's an understandable thing - she was flattered and she felt like she had to reciprocate. Let's skip over this.
Another year later, the guy that she flashed sent her a message on facebook, telling her that if she didn't put on a show for him, then he'd send the pictures to all her friends and relatives. It seemed that he knew all about her - address, school, personal information.
This is creepy, and she should have asked for help. Then again, it's hard to ask for help when 'help' requires you to reveal to everyone that you've flashed someone. So let's skip over this too.
Apparently she didn't "put on a show for him", so during christmas break, the police arrived at her door and she found out that all her friends had received the picture.
(I'm slightly confused - why would the police go to her house for this?)
Then she became a wreck, apparently. She had anxiety issues, major depression, and panic disorder. She took drugs and alcohol. Her anxiety got worse, and several times, she emphasizes that she couldn't go outside because of it. She changed school twice, but the bullying continued. At some time during the video she tells us that she overdosed on her anti-depressants.
The stupidity starts here. She had issues, which was fine. She took drugs and alcohol, which was not fine. At that point of time she would've been fifteen or fourteen. Drugs and alcohol? I'm not sure where she got them, but it couldn't have been easy. Unless she's talking about prescription drugs, which she can get from her own house, and alcohol like common beer, which, again, her house probably has.
My question is that where were her parents? Not very easy to hide the symptoms of a hangover. And if she's actually depressed enough to be doing drugs and taking alcohol, then she wouldn't be taking small doses. Nowhere in the video were her parents "there for her". (She mentioned that she moved to her mother's place, and that her dad found her once after she was bullied, but nothing else.)
Another year later, the guy that she flashed found her again, and made a facebook page. Her nude was his profile picture. She started cutting.
At fifteen orsixteen (sorry, she was fifteen) years of age, she started cutting? Very self-destructive behaviour, isn't it? Not a very clever choice.
Then she started talking to one of her male friends from her original school, and he told her that "my gf's on vacation", and that she should go over. From what it sounded like, they had sex, and she thought that he really liked her.
Let's make this clear. She was still haunted by the 'flashing' incident and its consequences. And she was fine with having sex with a boy. Who had a girlfriend.
Then a group of girls and boys from her original school found her - the boy, the boy's girlfriend, and fifteen others. They said "look around, no one likes you" in front of apparently 50 people from her newest school. Then someone else said "just punch her already", so Amanda was pushed down and punched.
At that point, she lied and covered for the boy, because she thought that he liked her.
I'm not sure to whom, but she covered for him after he was in the group of people who sought her out and bullied her. Clever idea. Not.
She hid in a ditch until her dad found her. When she got home she drank bleach.
If she was going to commit suicide, then I don't think bleach is going to do it. It was a phenomenally stupid decision to drink bleach - she's not going to die from it, so her problems aren't going to end; it's not going to make her drunk, so she's not going to forget about her problems.
One thing that I really loathe is half-hearted suicide attempts. Suicide is important. It could potentially end your problems, but it could also turn you into a brain-dead vegetable if done wrongly. Of course, I'm not advocating suicide as a solution, because it's a stupid solution.
Amanda was then brought to the hospital. When she got home she saw that people were making fun of her again, on facebook, saying things like "I hope she's dead" and "she deserved it". Then she moved to her mother's place.
We should understand that the taunts were from childish, immature students, and Amanda, having been online for years, should have understood that too. Hell, she should've known that that's how the internet generally responds to a unsuccessful suicide attempt. That's how the internet responds to everyone.
Another six months pass. The bleach taunts continue. She doesn't understand she "gets this", why they're still following her -
Wait a second. She doesn't understand? Was she or was she not chatting to strangers when she was twelve/thirteen? Did she or did she not flash someone? It's been like three years. She doesn't understand how ugly the internet is? This isn't the what she should be saying. What she should be saying is: why was I so stupid when I was younger? Now the older me has to deal with this shit. I hate life.
She cries "constantly", cuts "constantly", and didn't go outside or meet anyone because of her anxiety issues. A month before the video she overdosed on her anti-depressants despite being counselled.
Now I present to you two screenshots from the video, and one screenshot of the video's description:
"she's so pretty she didn't deserve to die"
Are you saying that she didn't deserve to die because she was pretty? Are you saying that if she was ugly then it would be okay for her to die? Whether or not she's pretty has nothing to do with the fact that she killed herself.
I don't know what these people mean by it, and I'm not sure they themselves know. Because complimenting a dead girl doesn't help anyone. I mean, you could say it to her mother. Her mother might feel better. But you didn't say it to her parents, you said it to the stone-cold internet.
This entire thing is overrated. There's nothing to learn from Amanda Todd's story, except:
1. If you spread nude photos of a girl around, then she might commit suicide
2. If you commit suicide and you receive media coverage then everyone will be nice to your corpse
Seriously.
Now that I think of it, the entire thing's pretty pathetic. It's evident that she brought it down upon herself, but the media plays it like a sob story because it's not very popular to criticize a dead girl. And everyone else starts tweeting about her.
Why don't you go and be nice to people around you, or just continue on with your hypocritical life. I don't think Amanda's corpse appreciates your sympathy. I mean, if you knew her then you should have been nice to her when she was still alive. If you didn't know her then all you should be feeling is a slight regret that this world drove another teen to suicide.
People commit suicide every day. The only difference is media coverage. Your sympathy for a dead girl is stupid when there are people who are alive around you.
*if you're looking for compromising pictures of Amanda Todd, go to tumblr. There are more than a lot of compromising photos. Amanda was no angel.
First of all, I'm writing this because I'm irritated. Twitter and Facebook were flooded with sympathy and pity and "she's so pretty, she didn't deserve to die" and WHAT THE FUCK.
This is a video that she posted on the 7th of September this year:
Her story was that during seventh grade, she went online and chatted with strangers over webcam. The strangers called her "beautiful", "perfect", and asked her to flash them. Apparently, a year later, she did.
I'm not sure what came over her, but it's an understandable thing - she was flattered and she felt like she had to reciprocate. Let's skip over this.
Another year later, the guy that she flashed sent her a message on facebook, telling her that if she didn't put on a show for him, then he'd send the pictures to all her friends and relatives. It seemed that he knew all about her - address, school, personal information.
This is creepy, and she should have asked for help. Then again, it's hard to ask for help when 'help' requires you to reveal to everyone that you've flashed someone. So let's skip over this too.
Apparently she didn't "put on a show for him", so during christmas break, the police arrived at her door and she found out that all her friends had received the picture.
(I'm slightly confused - why would the police go to her house for this?)
Then she became a wreck, apparently. She had anxiety issues, major depression, and panic disorder. She took drugs and alcohol. Her anxiety got worse, and several times, she emphasizes that she couldn't go outside because of it. She changed school twice, but the bullying continued. At some time during the video she tells us that she overdosed on her anti-depressants.
The stupidity starts here. She had issues, which was fine. She took drugs and alcohol, which was not fine. At that point of time she would've been fifteen or fourteen. Drugs and alcohol? I'm not sure where she got them, but it couldn't have been easy. Unless she's talking about prescription drugs, which she can get from her own house, and alcohol like common beer, which, again, her house probably has.
My question is that where were her parents? Not very easy to hide the symptoms of a hangover. And if she's actually depressed enough to be doing drugs and taking alcohol, then she wouldn't be taking small doses. Nowhere in the video were her parents "there for her". (She mentioned that she moved to her mother's place, and that her dad found her once after she was bullied, but nothing else.)
Another year later, the guy that she flashed found her again, and made a facebook page. Her nude was his profile picture. She started cutting.
At fifteen or
Then she started talking to one of her male friends from her original school, and he told her that "my gf's on vacation", and that she should go over. From what it sounded like, they had sex, and she thought that he really liked her.
Let's make this clear. She was still haunted by the 'flashing' incident and its consequences. And she was fine with having sex with a boy. Who had a girlfriend.
Then a group of girls and boys from her original school found her - the boy, the boy's girlfriend, and fifteen others. They said "look around, no one likes you" in front of apparently 50 people from her newest school. Then someone else said "just punch her already", so Amanda was pushed down and punched.
At that point, she lied and covered for the boy, because she thought that he liked her.
I'm not sure to whom, but she covered for him after he was in the group of people who sought her out and bullied her. Clever idea. Not.
She hid in a ditch until her dad found her. When she got home she drank bleach.
If she was going to commit suicide, then I don't think bleach is going to do it. It was a phenomenally stupid decision to drink bleach - she's not going to die from it, so her problems aren't going to end; it's not going to make her drunk, so she's not going to forget about her problems.
One thing that I really loathe is half-hearted suicide attempts. Suicide is important. It could potentially end your problems, but it could also turn you into a brain-dead vegetable if done wrongly. Of course, I'm not advocating suicide as a solution, because it's a stupid solution.
Amanda was then brought to the hospital. When she got home she saw that people were making fun of her again, on facebook, saying things like "I hope she's dead" and "she deserved it". Then she moved to her mother's place.
We should understand that the taunts were from childish, immature students, and Amanda, having been online for years, should have understood that too. Hell, she should've known that that's how the internet generally responds to a unsuccessful suicide attempt. That's how the internet responds to everyone.
Another six months pass. The bleach taunts continue. She doesn't understand she "gets this", why they're still following her -
Wait a second. She doesn't understand? Was she or was she not chatting to strangers when she was twelve/thirteen? Did she or did she not flash someone? It's been like three years. She doesn't understand how ugly the internet is? This isn't the what she should be saying. What she should be saying is: why was I so stupid when I was younger? Now the older me has to deal with this shit. I hate life.
She cries "constantly", cuts "constantly", and didn't go outside or meet anyone because of her anxiety issues. A month before the video she overdosed on her anti-depressants despite being counselled.
Now I present to you two screenshots from the video, and one screenshot of the video's description:
I'm not sure what she thinks she means by "to be an inspiration". She included a picture of what I assumed was her own forearm - bleeding from various self-inflicted cuts. This is how the video ends. In her defense, there was a picture of an upside-down forearm with the words "stay strong" or something tattooed on it.
Then again, "everyones future will be bright one day". I'm not sure what she means, because her video does not show that. At all.
Also grammatical errors and such throughout the video. I mean, I understand, I guess. She was so depressed that she couldn't do much, so obviously her studies would suffer.
A summary of what I feel about her and her story: she was stupid to flash someone, but some asshole decided to blackmail her, and spread her photo around, and then she became depressed and made other stupid decisions. She didn't deserve to die, but she also doesn't deserve that much sympathy. She had to face the consequences of her actions, and she couldn't.
OH WAIT. I forgot. Apparently her severe anxiety issues didn't stop her from making a video of herself singing. Some weird anxiety issues, huh. Strangely exclusive.
What I feel about people who make posts about how it's sad and how RIP!! you'll be in our hearts forever and such: stupid.
Are you saying that she didn't deserve to die because she was pretty? Are you saying that if she was ugly then it would be okay for her to die? Whether or not she's pretty has nothing to do with the fact that she killed herself.
I don't know what these people mean by it, and I'm not sure they themselves know. Because complimenting a dead girl doesn't help anyone. I mean, you could say it to her mother. Her mother might feel better. But you didn't say it to her parents, you said it to the stone-cold internet.
This entire thing is overrated. There's nothing to learn from Amanda Todd's story, except:
1. If you spread nude photos of a girl around, then she might commit suicide
2. If you commit suicide and you receive media coverage then everyone will be nice to your corpse
Seriously.
Now that I think of it, the entire thing's pretty pathetic. It's evident that she brought it down upon herself, but the media plays it like a sob story because it's not very popular to criticize a dead girl. And everyone else starts tweeting about her.
Why don't you go and be nice to people around you, or just continue on with your hypocritical life. I don't think Amanda's corpse appreciates your sympathy. I mean, if you knew her then you should have been nice to her when she was still alive. If you didn't know her then all you should be feeling is a slight regret that this world drove another teen to suicide.
People commit suicide every day. The only difference is media coverage. Your sympathy for a dead girl is stupid when there are people who are alive around you.
16 September 2012
DL LINK Cleanero
Cleanero is a collaboration between Clear and Nero. By god, their voices are amazing.
Here are the motherfucking crossfades for each album:
First Contact
Second Impact
Third Invitation
Those are the three albums (or mini-albums? I give up) that they've collaborated on.
Does anyone else think that it's wonderfully organized of them to name their albums "first", "second", and "third" respectively? It's so neat. Unf, *faints from the sheer ocd-ness*
Anyway:
First Contact
Second Impact
Third Invitation
/EDIT/: I SHIP THEM OMFG ASDFGHKL
Here are the motherfucking crossfades for each album:
First Contact
Second Impact
Third Invitation
Those are the three albums (or mini-albums? I give up) that they've collaborated on.
Does anyone else think that it's wonderfully organized of them to name their albums "first", "second", and "third" respectively? It's so neat. Unf, *faints from the sheer ocd-ness*
Anyway:
First Contact
Second Impact
Third Invitation
/EDIT/: I SHIP THEM OMFG ASDFGHKL
13 September 2012
Existential Crisis?
I recently came across a link somewhere, somehow, and suddenly remembered my bout of existential crisis a while ago. (Also this, and this, and maybe this too.)
*What follows is a very long narrative that talks about my life, because I really love myself. It is rambly and semi-coherent.
A year ago (or something like that, my grasp of time has never been very good) I decided to stop being afraid of horror movies and things like that. Mainly because it was such a pain to be so terrified of peeing in the middle of the night.
I thought things through, and realised that I couldn't do anything to stop my death anyway, so I'd much rather just say "Okay, I won't struggle. How about you kill me quickly and painlessly? Thank you, by the way." I was also rather comforted by the fact that after death comes nothing, because you wink out (I'm an atheist, and I think Heaven is hugely overrated. Also Heaven is a concept that will never work properly.)
The peeing problem was solved, but then came along other problems.
For one: why am I okay with being killed?
If I were to be killed one night, then I would have accomplished nothing, changed nothing, and done nothing meaningful. My life would have as much impact as an ant... to a human. In essence, I started thinking about how pointless life was.
Specifically, about the stupidity of the world in general.
I have a way of thinking that I like to call the "ultimate goals and the constraints" way of thinking, because then everything becomes very clear. You have a goal, and you think of a way to achieve it, and along the way there are constraints.
For example, you want exceptional marks on a test (goal) and you come to the realisation that cheating is the easiest way to do that (how to achieve goal). However, you also know that if you're caught, then things would become very sticky and unpleasant (constraint). Therefore, you either study - and forget about cheating - or make a plan to ensure that your act of dishonesty is never found out.
That's how I do things, but unfortunately other people don't function that way. You see, I do things in a very logical way - and some people say that's cold or unfeeling, or simply not how things work - but all in all it's the best way to think. Because even making a cup of coffee is a goal. My way of thinking eliminates all those messy emotional things that screws up everything they touch.
This way of thinking also partially tears down the system. In Asia, we have this complex about our parents. For the most part, we obey our parents (besides the fact that they house us, feed us, tolerate us, we've also been raised to behave that way). And when we don't obey our parents, when we don't defer to them, we feel this annoying squiggle of guilt.
Maybe you want to go to a friend's house for something, but your parents say no. Whatever you do, they still remain firm, so after a little while you just kind of give up because parents are just such phenomenally annoying creatures.
What I do with my parents is a very different kind of thing. The first thing I do when they say no is to ask them why. And if they refuse to tell me why, then I'll say something along the lines of there's absolutely no reason for you to deny this information. And there really isn't. No means no, right? So it shouldn't matter if they tell you why not. Unless they don't have a proper reason.
Now, after they tell me why - because they're worried about my safety, for example - I come up with ways to make these issues become nonexistent. If they worried, then they can drive me there. If not, I'll take public transport. And the bus trip to my friend's house is shorter than the bus trip to my school, so it's ridiculous to claim that going to my friend's house isn't safe while going to school is. And as a last resort, I tell them that I'll ask my friend's mother to give them a call.
I fail to see how they can still refuse to let me go after all that.
I've told this story to some of my friends, and quite a few of them claim that that doesn't happen in their house, because when their parents say no, it's no. And I tell them that I see no reason why stupid societal norms should get in the way of what you want (which is quite harmless). Then they tell me that it doesn't happen because they respect their parents/it just works that way in their family.
This is a very important thing to take note of, because my way of thinking is very straightforward and not hindered by social norms. I push and push with logic until they're in a corner and they have to give me what I want because that's how logic works. You can't deny logic. If it turns out that there is absolutely no reason for my parents to forbid me from going somewhere, then it would look pretty bad for them if they just said NO. BECAUSE NO. They would come across as unreasonable and unpleasant human beings.
This lead me to an epiphany, I suppose. I realised that most people just go fine, I give. They do that not because logic isn't on their side. They do that because of stupid reasons - their parents are intimidating. Authority is intimidating.
What they don't realise is that they can argue while seeming very polite. (This can be solved with my special way of thinking: whatever they want is their goal, the constraint/problem is the unreasonable asshole that says no, so to get rid of the constraint you pretend to be polite and demure and wriggle around until you get your way.)
I was very frustrated with this for a long time. I basically went around advocating that we should speak up even if the inbred fear of authority tries to prevent us from doing that. And I found that not many people wanted to do that.
Why?
I don't know. I literally don't know. Maybe if someone explained it to me then I would understand on an intellectual level, but emotionally I feel none of it.
Let's go back to existential crises for a while. According to the article, it stems from four major issues: death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness.
Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?
This frustration that I felt was something like isolation. I went around feeling really misunderstood; I went around feeling that I was misunderstanding. No one else thought like me and no one wanted to think like me. I felt that maybe they were incapable of thinking like me. Maybe I was a deformity. During that time I continually felt like I was standing still, alone in the whirling mess of the world. And no one cared; they simply went about their own business.
I was phenomenally confused. I just couldn't understand, and eventually I decided not to understand. Which, really, just further helped that isolation bit along.
Then I went back to thinking about horror movies and death. And again I asked myself: am I fine with dying without accomplishing anything? Everyone goes on about how someone's life was "tragically cut short" and I wondered what would happen if my life was "tragically cut short" too.
Somewhere in that wondering business, I realised that I would most probably accomplish nothing before I die anyway. And I realised that I was edging towards death every single day, and I only knew two languages and have only been to two countries. And my younger self thought that it was horribly sad.
My younger self essentially thought that I was old. And somehow, for a few months, I limped around feeling sorry for myself. I felt no inclination to do anything, and everything made my head hurt. I wanted to curl up on my bed and die, because I felt that facing the world and trying to do something worth doing was just too futile.
Thus, having fulfilled two out of the four, my younger self was swamped in this gigantic quagmire of self-pity and depression. Also existential crisis. I couldn't figure out just what the fuck I was here for. I wasn't even particularly good at anything. Okay, all right, maybe my English was better than my peers at the time, but even then I wasn't good enough. Which made me even more depressed.
Why had I been born? I started thinking that maybe it would've been better if I'd never been born, if I'd never known the stress of simply being alive. I started feeling all blank - all I could respond with was "okay" and more "okay"s. I just couldn't find it in myself to continue living. What was the point? What can I do? What can anybody do?
Eventually I got out of it, but those thoughts never really went away.
Which was the third issue - meaninglessness.
You might want to know how I dealt with it, but I can't tell you because I didn't. I didn't deal with that pesky issue of existential crisis at all. I'm just trying to actively ignore it. Which doesn't work very well, which explains my bouts of melancholy, which doesn't matter anyway.
I actually don't know if I care
Okay what the fuck I know I actually care
Then again it's terribly tiring so maybe I should stop
Okay whatever
Sometimes I try to enjoy things, and then out of nowhere Existential Crisis pops up again to say hi. My internal monologue goes fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, and I go to the fridge.
I don't actually know if this post has a meaning anymore. It's just a semi-coherent bunch of words about how I, at age fourteen, somehow managed to feel like I've hit my midlife crisis. Then again, if I solve this existential crisis shit, then I won't have to worry about midlife crisis. I tend to stick to what I've decided.
Anyway, my conclusion is that solving this existential crisis isn't at all a pressing issue for me. It does make me feel shitty sometimes (actually at night it hijacks my brain and makes me curl up into a ball of misery) and gives me headaches sometimes, but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring things. Also you don't need to know the meaning of life to be happy. (For the most part.) The actual important thing is to not spiral into depression, which is !!! a pressing issue. Definitely.
*What follows is a very long narrative that talks about my life, because I really love myself. It is rambly and semi-coherent.
A year ago (or something like that, my grasp of time has never been very good) I decided to stop being afraid of horror movies and things like that. Mainly because it was such a pain to be so terrified of peeing in the middle of the night.
I thought things through, and realised that I couldn't do anything to stop my death anyway, so I'd much rather just say "Okay, I won't struggle. How about you kill me quickly and painlessly? Thank you, by the way." I was also rather comforted by the fact that after death comes nothing, because you wink out (I'm an atheist, and I think Heaven is hugely overrated. Also Heaven is a concept that will never work properly.)
The peeing problem was solved, but then came along other problems.
For one: why am I okay with being killed?
If I were to be killed one night, then I would have accomplished nothing, changed nothing, and done nothing meaningful. My life would have as much impact as an ant... to a human. In essence, I started thinking about how pointless life was.
Specifically, about the stupidity of the world in general.
I have a way of thinking that I like to call the "ultimate goals and the constraints" way of thinking, because then everything becomes very clear. You have a goal, and you think of a way to achieve it, and along the way there are constraints.
For example, you want exceptional marks on a test (goal) and you come to the realisation that cheating is the easiest way to do that (how to achieve goal). However, you also know that if you're caught, then things would become very sticky and unpleasant (constraint). Therefore, you either study - and forget about cheating - or make a plan to ensure that your act of dishonesty is never found out.
That's how I do things, but unfortunately other people don't function that way. You see, I do things in a very logical way - and some people say that's cold or unfeeling, or simply not how things work - but all in all it's the best way to think. Because even making a cup of coffee is a goal. My way of thinking eliminates all those messy emotional things that screws up everything they touch.
This way of thinking also partially tears down the system. In Asia, we have this complex about our parents. For the most part, we obey our parents (besides the fact that they house us, feed us, tolerate us, we've also been raised to behave that way). And when we don't obey our parents, when we don't defer to them, we feel this annoying squiggle of guilt.
Maybe you want to go to a friend's house for something, but your parents say no. Whatever you do, they still remain firm, so after a little while you just kind of give up because parents are just such phenomenally annoying creatures.
What I do with my parents is a very different kind of thing. The first thing I do when they say no is to ask them why. And if they refuse to tell me why, then I'll say something along the lines of there's absolutely no reason for you to deny this information. And there really isn't. No means no, right? So it shouldn't matter if they tell you why not. Unless they don't have a proper reason.
Now, after they tell me why - because they're worried about my safety, for example - I come up with ways to make these issues become nonexistent. If they worried, then they can drive me there. If not, I'll take public transport. And the bus trip to my friend's house is shorter than the bus trip to my school, so it's ridiculous to claim that going to my friend's house isn't safe while going to school is. And as a last resort, I tell them that I'll ask my friend's mother to give them a call.
I fail to see how they can still refuse to let me go after all that.
I've told this story to some of my friends, and quite a few of them claim that that doesn't happen in their house, because when their parents say no, it's no. And I tell them that I see no reason why stupid societal norms should get in the way of what you want (which is quite harmless). Then they tell me that it doesn't happen because they respect their parents/it just works that way in their family.
This is a very important thing to take note of, because my way of thinking is very straightforward and not hindered by social norms. I push and push with logic until they're in a corner and they have to give me what I want because that's how logic works. You can't deny logic. If it turns out that there is absolutely no reason for my parents to forbid me from going somewhere, then it would look pretty bad for them if they just said NO. BECAUSE NO. They would come across as unreasonable and unpleasant human beings.
This lead me to an epiphany, I suppose. I realised that most people just go fine, I give. They do that not because logic isn't on their side. They do that because of stupid reasons - their parents are intimidating. Authority is intimidating.
What they don't realise is that they can argue while seeming very polite. (This can be solved with my special way of thinking: whatever they want is their goal, the constraint/problem is the unreasonable asshole that says no, so to get rid of the constraint you pretend to be polite and demure and wriggle around until you get your way.)
I was very frustrated with this for a long time. I basically went around advocating that we should speak up even if the inbred fear of authority tries to prevent us from doing that. And I found that not many people wanted to do that.
Why?
I don't know. I literally don't know. Maybe if someone explained it to me then I would understand on an intellectual level, but emotionally I feel none of it.
Let's go back to existential crises for a while. According to the article, it stems from four major issues: death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness.
Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?
This frustration that I felt was something like isolation. I went around feeling really misunderstood; I went around feeling that I was misunderstanding. No one else thought like me and no one wanted to think like me. I felt that maybe they were incapable of thinking like me. Maybe I was a deformity. During that time I continually felt like I was standing still, alone in the whirling mess of the world. And no one cared; they simply went about their own business.
I was phenomenally confused. I just couldn't understand, and eventually I decided not to understand. Which, really, just further helped that isolation bit along.
Then I went back to thinking about horror movies and death. And again I asked myself: am I fine with dying without accomplishing anything? Everyone goes on about how someone's life was "tragically cut short" and I wondered what would happen if my life was "tragically cut short" too.
Somewhere in that wondering business, I realised that I would most probably accomplish nothing before I die anyway. And I realised that I was edging towards death every single day, and I only knew two languages and have only been to two countries. And my younger self thought that it was horribly sad.
My younger self essentially thought that I was old. And somehow, for a few months, I limped around feeling sorry for myself. I felt no inclination to do anything, and everything made my head hurt. I wanted to curl up on my bed and die, because I felt that facing the world and trying to do something worth doing was just too futile.
Thus, having fulfilled two out of the four, my younger self was swamped in this gigantic quagmire of self-pity and depression. Also existential crisis. I couldn't figure out just what the fuck I was here for. I wasn't even particularly good at anything. Okay, all right, maybe my English was better than my peers at the time, but even then I wasn't good enough. Which made me even more depressed.
Why had I been born? I started thinking that maybe it would've been better if I'd never been born, if I'd never known the stress of simply being alive. I started feeling all blank - all I could respond with was "okay" and more "okay"s. I just couldn't find it in myself to continue living. What was the point? What can I do? What can anybody do?
Eventually I got out of it, but those thoughts never really went away.
Which was the third issue - meaninglessness.
You might want to know how I dealt with it, but I can't tell you because I didn't. I didn't deal with that pesky issue of existential crisis at all. I'm just trying to actively ignore it. Which doesn't work very well, which explains my bouts of melancholy, which doesn't matter anyway.
I actually don't know if I care
Okay what the fuck I know I actually care
Then again it's terribly tiring so maybe I should stop
Okay whatever
Sometimes I try to enjoy things, and then out of nowhere Existential Crisis pops up again to say hi. My internal monologue goes fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, and I go to the fridge.
I don't actually know if this post has a meaning anymore. It's just a semi-coherent bunch of words about how I, at age fourteen, somehow managed to feel like I've hit my midlife crisis. Then again, if I solve this existential crisis shit, then I won't have to worry about midlife crisis. I tend to stick to what I've decided.
Anyway, my conclusion is that solving this existential crisis isn't at all a pressing issue for me. It does make me feel shitty sometimes (actually at night it hijacks my brain and makes me curl up into a ball of misery) and gives me headaches sometimes, but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring things. Also you don't need to know the meaning of life to be happy. (For the most part.) The actual important thing is to not spiral into depression, which is !!! a pressing issue. Definitely.
12 September 2012
Mmm this is to celebrate my GPA
Fic!! Parody fic!!
Summary: Two fangirls traipse through the D. Gray-Man universe and attempt to seduce their favourite characters, which unfortunately does not work because the aforementioned characters are gay. Slashy slash!
START:
“Is this not wonderful, my friend?” The girl wore a black shirt over black shorts over a black pair of shoes. “I SAY, IS THIS NOT WONDERFUL??”
Her companion, a slightly shorter girl who wore neon-coloured clothes, promptly whacked her on the head. With the pavement.
“Ow,” the first girl said, picking herself up from the ground. “You didn’t have to do that,” she said accusingly, brushing dust off herself. “Now my clothes are screwed, and I can’t hug Allen.”
“You’re not hugging Allen anyway, because you stand out painfully and will probably get stoned to death. No one wears shorts here. Well, except for whores. Or Rhode. Possibly Rhode, but I can’t remember.” The second girl stared at her friend for a few seconds. “Hm, good clothes for whoring, those.” She pointed at her friend.
The girl dressed in black scowled before going off to steal some appropriate clothes.
--
“I didn’t have money,” she protested indignantly. “How do I get clothes if I don’t have money? Of course I had to steal these. And don’t bother being righteous, you stole clothes too. And candy.”
The girl dressed in neon looked down to find that she was dressed in drab, beige clothing instead. “Huh,” she said. “But sweets are nice.”
The other girl rolled her eyes. “So how do we find the Black Order.”
“… Pretend to be akuma?”
“… And have Kanda slice us in two? No, idiot.”
--
“I’m not sure that playing poker is the best idea.”
“Shush, ye who disbelieves. Allen will save us soon.” The girl who formerly wore hooker clothes jabbed her friend in the stomach with an elbow.
There was a groan, then the girl’s cards slipped from her fingers to lie face-up on the table.
“Great,” an anonymous man muttered, “Now we gotta reshuffle and redeal the cards and everything.”
The post-hooker-clothes girl stared at her unconscious friend. ”I WAS WINNING, YOU IDIOT!!”
--
“Yes, we are trying to find the Black Order. Could you please direct us towards the headquarters?”
“… This is the Noah family headquarters.”
--
Tyki prayed that Skin wouldn’t visit the house today because all the sugar had been removed from the kitchen.
“PREPARE FOR BATTLE, MY MINIONS!!”
He let the sugar-high girl pass through him and hit the wall behind him. There was a reason that he tolerated Rhode and Lulu, with all their bitchiness. Now he remembered. Anything was better than this.
Tyki wondered if there were any akuma around. The more the better.
--
“Okay I didn’t know I had Innocence or something. I thought we were just gonna be some normal humans.”
Her friend stared at the smoking remains of akuma lying around in a circle around them. Then she turned to look at her friend-who-formerly-wore-black-clothes's white, waving hair.
“Please don’t tell me that the Innocence is in your hair,” she begged, feeling faint.
“Actually, it's in my blood.”
-Fade to black-
--
“Okay I didn’t know I had a Noah inside me or something. I thought we were just gonna be some normal humans.”
“I’m not normal, I have Innocence,” her friend proclaimed proudly.
“I’m not normal either, I’m a Noah,” she snapped, throwing a cleaver at her friend.
--
“Is that moaning I hear?”
“Yes indeedy.”
“Is that Tyki and Allen moaning I hear?”
“Yes ma’am.”
--
A/N: And that was the end. Not really. I'm not done with this crackfic. But this is all I have right now.
Summary: Two fangirls traipse through the D. Gray-Man universe and attempt to seduce their favourite characters, which unfortunately does not work because the aforementioned characters are gay. Slashy slash!
START:
“Is this not wonderful, my friend?” The girl wore a black shirt over black shorts over a black pair of shoes. “I SAY, IS THIS NOT WONDERFUL??”
Her companion, a slightly shorter girl who wore neon-coloured clothes, promptly whacked her on the head. With the pavement.
“Ow,” the first girl said, picking herself up from the ground. “You didn’t have to do that,” she said accusingly, brushing dust off herself. “Now my clothes are screwed, and I can’t hug Allen.”
“You’re not hugging Allen anyway, because you stand out painfully and will probably get stoned to death. No one wears shorts here. Well, except for whores. Or Rhode. Possibly Rhode, but I can’t remember.” The second girl stared at her friend for a few seconds. “Hm, good clothes for whoring, those.” She pointed at her friend.
The girl dressed in black scowled before going off to steal some appropriate clothes.
--
“I didn’t have money,” she protested indignantly. “How do I get clothes if I don’t have money? Of course I had to steal these. And don’t bother being righteous, you stole clothes too. And candy.”
The girl dressed in neon looked down to find that she was dressed in drab, beige clothing instead. “Huh,” she said. “But sweets are nice.”
The other girl rolled her eyes. “So how do we find the Black Order.”
“… Pretend to be akuma?”
“… And have Kanda slice us in two? No, idiot.”
--
“I’m not sure that playing poker is the best idea.”
“Shush, ye who disbelieves. Allen will save us soon.” The girl who formerly wore hooker clothes jabbed her friend in the stomach with an elbow.
There was a groan, then the girl’s cards slipped from her fingers to lie face-up on the table.
“Great,” an anonymous man muttered, “Now we gotta reshuffle and redeal the cards and everything.”
The post-hooker-clothes girl stared at her unconscious friend. ”I WAS WINNING, YOU IDIOT!!”
--
“Yes, we are trying to find the Black Order. Could you please direct us towards the headquarters?”
“… This is the Noah family headquarters.”
--
Tyki prayed that Skin wouldn’t visit the house today because all the sugar had been removed from the kitchen.
“PREPARE FOR BATTLE, MY MINIONS!!”
He let the sugar-high girl pass through him and hit the wall behind him. There was a reason that he tolerated Rhode and Lulu, with all their bitchiness. Now he remembered. Anything was better than this.
Tyki wondered if there were any akuma around. The more the better.
--
“Okay I didn’t know I had Innocence or something. I thought we were just gonna be some normal humans.”
Her friend stared at the smoking remains of akuma lying around in a circle around them. Then she turned to look at her friend-who-formerly-wore-black-clothes's white, waving hair.
“Please don’t tell me that the Innocence is in your hair,” she begged, feeling faint.
“Actually, it's in my blood.”
-Fade to black-
--
“Okay I didn’t know I had a Noah inside me or something. I thought we were just gonna be some normal humans.”
“I’m not normal, I have Innocence,” her friend proclaimed proudly.
“I’m not normal either, I’m a Noah,” she snapped, throwing a cleaver at her friend.
--
“Is that moaning I hear?”
“Yes indeedy.”
“Is that Tyki and Allen moaning I hear?”
“Yes ma’am.”
--
A/N: And that was the end. Not really. I'm not done with this crackfic. But this is all I have right now.
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