recently i just feel so suffused with hatred for everything.


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i used to talk about feeling like i was sitting in a fishbowl, watching everyone go past, go around. i thought it meant that i had difficulty connecting, that i had to change something about myself to, i don't know, occupy the same water as them. not that i hated myself or felt i was inferior, i just felt different, and wanted to be the same, and enjoy the same things, even though i knew how bullshit it was.

i used to put it down to an inherent part of life, because i didn't think i was special enough to be feeling such an intense disconnect all by myself. surely everyone felt the same thing too. maybe humans are just incapable of connecting on the level that i want.

i mean, i was completely normal, in every other way. so it was kind of ridiculous to think there was anything other than human nature at play, no disorders or physical abnormality.

but i don't really know any more...?

increasingly i feel like my perspective is so glaringly different from everyone else's that they're just irreconcilable.

i just don't understand people any more, at all, it seems. i can't act like them, react like them. in general, i can easily understand their emotions, their motivations, and so on, but the whole time i'm also thinking, damn, aren't they over-reacting a bit? aren't they making a huge fuss out of nothing?

like, i know 1+1= a number bigger than 1, but they seems to have come up with 3276237 or 38734+1261 or other things like that. i'm just here holding a 2 and wondering what the fuck they're on.

when people talk about things that are very emotional to them, and they cry, and they say they should've done x instead, i just wonder, yeah, if you know you should've done x.... why didn't you? i mean, something similar would be if i wanted to lose weight, and i know i should eat healthier, but it's difficult so i don't. but the main thing here is the stark difference in desire. my desire to lose weight would be like, 5/100? since it's not causing me any health issues and it'd purely be for aesthetic reasons. but their emotional problems seems to be 90/100 at the very least, and i just wonder, if they wanted something so very much, so much that they cry when they talk about it,,,,, why don't they just do it????

and how the fuck am i supposed to react to it? i want to be nice to them and comfort them, but all i really want to say is "you should just... do the x thing that you said you know you should do..."

i kind of can't stand how people put themselves in a situation, feel utterly emotionally destroyed by it, and then stay the fuck right there. i know you can't control circumstances. but can't you control your own emotions? can't you control the physical manifestations of your emotions?

it's really simple, just like an equation. for a different result, change any of the contributing factors. you can't change some factors, okay, then change the ones that you can. what more is there to it?

and people tend to think i'm unfeeling, or cold, hypocritical, etc, and they say things like "i wish i could have as little emotions as you do" and it pisses me off, because they could?? they just don't. and they don't want to, honestly, because if they really wanted to then they WOULD??

anyway recently i've been living at the school hostel and interacting mainly with people at uni and that's what i feel.

but even more recently, term ended and i've been staying at home. and i'm sick and the maid/helper/whatever has gone back to her home country, which means everyone now has to do miscellaneous annoying tasks like washing the dishes and has less patience for me, but whatever. it's not like anyone takes care of me when i'm ill anyway.

i'm not kidding, i can't relate when people say "oh i remember my mother bringing me porridge when i was ill", yeah, except my mother almost never does that, and has never done that after i turned 10 or thereabouts. i don't miss my parents or home when i'm sick because what's there to miss? how much they don't even pause to make sure there's food in the house when i'm ill? yeah i routinely wake up to find they've gone out to eat. and they don't bring back anything, or ask if i've eaten when they're back. they used to, but not any more.

anyway, i'm sick of there not being any food in the house. i'm bloody sick! at least bring back something and stuff it in the fridge so i can eat it later. if you're already heading out then it's not a bother for you to bring back something, yeah?

basically it's the same old thing all over again.

- parents complaining about me doing stuff in the middle of the night. i pee. that's all i do. they claim stupid shit like how i cook in the middle of the night and it disturbs their sleep, but i cook at fucking 11pm (because there's nothing to eat that doesn't have to be cooked!) and i know they're fucking awake at that time because their light is Fucking On. ?!?!?!!? yes, i, too, am mystified. also fucking pissed off. at least complain about something that's true.

- parents complaining about me scolding my brother. particularly my mother, who LOVES to threaten  me and my brother equally and say things like "i don't care what happened" and "i don't care who's wrong", which is literally (i am not kidding, literally) in the top ten list of "Bad Parenting Tactics". funny how she only starts pulling out the threats once i start saying things.

(i don't have a very high opinion of my mother's intelligence. not EQ, but cold IQ. so i actually think she's falling into the trap of A: subconsciously favouring the male child B: subconsciously categorising my brother and i as two opposing... whatevers. and that she has no idea she's doing any of this, nor is she capable of looking at her behaviour objectively, nor correcting her behaviour. it really, really reminds me of the stubborn old people who just go along with how they've always been, just because.)

(side note: "just because" is something i hate with a passion, because it's!! not!! a!! fucking!! reason!! it's fucking stupid and i hate everyone who says it unironically or not as a substitute for things like "it can't hurt", which i can accept)

whatever, my mother's favourite thing to do is martyring herself, which involves: A: insisting on doing extra work B: complaining about extra work C: becoming angry because of tiredness D: flaring up at everyone and screaming a lot and blaming everyone else

so i know all these already, but i also discovered how stupid my dad is

usually i'm fine with him. he just doesn't want any fuss, which aligns with what i want.

but:

- he just picks up everyone's slack silently. and usually he just lets it go, but deep down he actually resents it. which is stupid? what's the point of that?

- he loves to berate me for not having any EQ, but honestly, when people i.e. me and my mother at screaming at each other, his first and only reason is "you're disturbing the neighbours". amazing! hello? people are really emotionally worked up here and you want to talk about the neighbours and preserving your reputation? you think it's embarrassing that the neighbours are listening to your family shout at each other? you think that's the only problem around here? even more amazing is how you think that's a priority.

- which goes on to: he's just not interested in solving any issues. ever. he'd much rather just have everyone blame him and be quiet. or ignoring everything until everyone shuts up. in fact, he just wants everyone to shut up and pretend there are no problems. we all know how well ignoring problems work. which is to say not at all, so this is a completely stupid thing to do.

- aaaaand when he gets mad, he can't control himself. right. a fully grown man can't control his fists when he gets angry. okay, so that's not very rare in the world. but it's hypocritical as fuck when he wants me to control myself and be quiet but he gets mad and suddenly the fists are out. at least i'm only being loud. he's fucking hitting people?? and every time i point this out, he gets even angrier and shakes his fists even more.

let me repeat that

every time i point out how he can't control his fists when he's angry,

he wants to hit me

i mean, regardless of how scared i am of a fully grown man waving his fists in my face (don't we all know how scary it is?) what is wrong with the world?

how am i supposed to change anything when all everyone's interested in is proving me right?

me: "you're violent"
person: "how dare you say i'm violent?!" /proceeds to get physical

i mean, this is ludicrous! i almost laughed at my dad. really. this is amazing and i... just get so depressed when i think about it.

how it's supposed to work is:

me: "you're violent"
person: "i'm not!" /wants to hit me but realises that it would only prove me right, and therefore does not hit me

??

i don't know what's going on any more. i don't know how to deal with the world any more. am i... am i just supposed to ENDURE all this stupidity until i die? then i'd rather just die right now, for real. when i think about a future of this, of 60 more years of this, i just start crying. yes. i cried while typing this. it's just so goddamn depressing. and i fucking hate it so much.

so yeah, i thought i only hated a few things. but it turns out those few things are present in pretty much every other person. and the thing is, if i were guilty of any of these, i'd try to correct it, at least. but other people don't even seem to think of these as a problem. utterly mind-boggling. and it makes me feel like i'm separated from everyone else by a thick, thick pane of glass.

i hate stupidity
i hate illogicality
i hate incompetency
i hate incongruence

and in general i just feel very suffused with hatred. for everything.

i kind of want to die again. not because i'm depressed, but i can't find any hope. i said in a previous post somewhere that i hold on to some small things to keep myself wanting to live on. like, i want to eat more ice cream. i want to see pretty sunsets.

but currently i really find everything hateful. it's so difficult to be happy, and that makes me hate everything more. i'm always struggling with how much i hate this mundane life, and i can deal with this one hate. but the others add on to it and make dealing with this harder.

i dunno, maybe i need to fly off somewhere and just do whatever for a while. come back with a more resilient, refreshed patience scale.

okay but even if i do that, and i deal with life better, deep down i'm still going to have this hatred for everything on a low burn. and i don't know how i'm ever going to get rid of that. i genuinely hate it all.

i think it's time for me to force myself to like everything until i fix myself again.