None of this includes school or studying because school makes no fucking sense and studying is stupid. If I'm interested I'll learn the thing, but I don't want to study for the sake of studying. To be honest I've never studied much anyway, but everyone else studies and it wears on you.
So I end up in this position where there is much schoolwork and I don't want to do any of it. Like, I am chronically lazy. Chronically underachieving. Probably chronically uninterested, but then again I dabble in many things so maybe that doesn't really apply.
I'm faced with university things like portfolios and grades and extra-curricular activities, and everything about me is honestly mediocre. Also I just don't want to do anything. My parents go on and on about grades and me getting a job and university fees, and while I suppose every parents does this to some extent, it's very tiring and I just want to slam a door in the face, except I can't really do that...?
Everything bothers me and I am very unenthusiastic. I am annoyed at basically life.
I thought that maybe I was starting to get depressed again, but I've looked at myself very carefully and I am definitely not depressed. I don't want to kill myself at all. Life is pretty okay I suppose. I'm somewhat happy. Things are bright and happy sometimes and I'm pretty satisfied with my life. Well, short-term life anyway.
Every time someone brings up the future I get a headache. I understand that even if I just do pretty much nothing at all and trudge along, things will work out. I might go to some mediocre university, complete some stupid degree, get a job that doesn't pay as much as I'd like and I don't really like anyway. That's a normal life. If I went down that path I'd probably spend my whole life being somewhat satisfied but also somewhat annoyed.
It's like, I don't know, a flashing button that says "A FULFILLING FUTURE" but I'm just so tired, so sad and angry and apathetic at the same time, and I just can't muster up enough energy or care enough to lift my hand and press the button, and I stare at it as it moves further and further away and then it's gone and I'm still staring at it and I still haven't moved a single centimeter.
And then I start hating myself for not pressing the fucking button and I realise that I don't really care enough to hate myself?
It's very vexing.
In other news I cracked another tooth because I was clenching my jaw as I slept. I'd like to think that this is a sign that the education system is too much for me but I know that I just don't want to do anything because I'm mildly stressed and somewhat agitated but then I get stressed and agitated because I'm not doing anything. You get me.
I have real actual issues with emotions and living in the moment okay. People think it's easy to live in the moment but it's just not. I'm so busy being embarrassed by the past and stressing over the future that I fuck up the present, end up with more past to be embarrassed about, and do absolutely nothing about the future.
Like, I have connectivity issues. And I am fucking up my life. By doing nothing. And I am angry about that. So angry that I can't do anything. Ugh.
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