basically 跟认知低的人说话本就是吃亏的行为
i cant be feeling unfair and like im on the losing end, if i talk to people that i KNOW have low awareness. thats me expecting the sky to turn green. like of course im going to lose out from the start.
on the other hand i feel like acknowledging that the world runs this way is a massive blow to my younger self that still remains a part of me. like a really massive blow.
how do i say it? like i really thought that humanity might share principles. but turns out its more like just cause and effect to get the outcome i want, regardless of beliefs. like i thought i might receive understanding. but really its just me feeling disappointment and selecting the words to induce the actions i desire from others. very alienating
apart from the alienation, it makes me feel like im superior to those people, which is not something i ever want to feel. its not me feeling superior, it's really me thinking im the norm and looking down on them, which is what i object to. i think apart from the basic principle that it's bad to look down on people, it also makes me underestimate people, and makes it hard for me to learn specific skills from them since i look down on them so much. like its limiting my own growth.
im perfectly capable of recognising that someone is a horrid person, but also has certain skills superior ot me. and not only recognising but also actually learning from them. this distinction is important to me because i've realised from experience that people are genuinely so awful at conflating a lot of things. like some people assume recognising a fact means learning from it. no, recognising something and learning that thing for youself are compoletely different things.
this realisation doesnt stop me from being frustrated and annoyed that people keep conflating things. i legitimately feel always gaslit by this world. like why am i stuck explaining the difference... these are so plainly different things...
i feel very tired and always like im fighting against everything just to have peace and quiet in my brain. its very hard to accept that people understand things differently. i dont mean that i struggle to accept people having different values and preferences. im ok with that.
but rather its like people are arguing with me over 1+1=2 and they have literally no argument other than just saying it. like im literally placing 2 slices of cake on the table, we all acknowledge 1 piece and 1 piece and there's 2 pieces, and they still insist 1+1 isn't 2, and they're not capable of articulating any reason for it.
also then they act like im the crazy one.
fundamental disagreements, nothing to learn or relate to, no frame of understanding, then them acting like im crazy
its enough to make anyone break down and cry like a baby. and ngl i really do just feel like crying every time. theres only so many times i can do this stuff, but it feels like every moment of every day im having to struggle and fight just to maintain enough strength to tell MYSELF that this is how the world works.
oh and no reward or recognition for being the only sane person. just more hardship for no fucking reason.
sometimes i wonder why do i even bother being like this when its obviously easier to just be like the rest of them. but i feel like if i gave up id be losing the entire core of myself, like i would fundamentally just become a different uninteresting person. and i dont want to lose myself.
it really drives me crazy when people just dont have a 结果。。。？like an outcome or conclusion
today the argument was 'i SAID i'll clean the mess that i made' and im like 'so we've been arguing for hours and DID YOU ACTUALLY DO IT' and they just shout back like 'I SAID I WOULD' as if that affects reality.
my brother made the toilet dirty and i went to complain to my mom. i mean, she's his mom right? and besides everyone my whole life told me to stop fighting w my brother and let my parents handle it
so of course my mom starts being crazy like 'what do u wan me to do' and shouting like im wrong. isnt that crazy? i mean its obvious. go handle your son so i can have a normal toilet to use.
then my brother gets mad that im talking to mom instead of him. well, which time when i've told him to do something, has he actually done it? why would i talk to him instead of someone who'll actually get the result i want (a clean toilet)
so im arguing with my brother and everyones acting like im wrong. my mom goes and cleans the toilet and my brother blames ME for making her do it. i didnt ask her to do it and HES the one who made it dirty. but somehow its my fucking fault again
i just feel so wronged all the damn time. and also gaslit. like everyone agrees he made the mess. everyone agrees she cleaned it up. and yet somehow im to blame. as if i should just stay quiet and either clean his mess up for him, or just accept lower cleanliness standards.
oh and im also angry at myself at the same time. like how many times does it take for me to learn forever that this is how things will turn out. how many times must i make myself go through this just to learn this truth.
not to mention my dad always only scolding me when im snarky but not my brother when hes straight out insulting me? like my dad's brain is only primed to notice bad things about me and not everyone else. like double standards. as if its normal for me to be insulted but an absolute crime if i were to imply something bad about other people.
and not me asking to speak to my dad for 2 min but hes always responding to my bro and my mom making useless interjections so i dont get to speak. so for 1hr i tried to talk to him for 2min and i still didnt get to finish. and not him saying hes giving me priority when where is the priority? i freaking scheduled his time and he agreed. whats priority about it. did anyone else schedule his time??
not me finishing my point and all he says is 'are you done talking'. i felt such severe disappointment and disgust. not only for him but also for myself for even trying. i felt humiliated by myself (not by him) because its not the first time im feeling this disappointment. i felt like i should've known better than to put myself in this place.
i dont get the therapy stuff about not blaming myself. i mean if they're always going to act like this, and they're not going to change, then if i want to avoid this situation, im the only one capable of effecting any change. so it IS on me. basically if you think of them as NPCs. if i keep doing the wrong thing in a game shouldn't i be blaming myself?
not that i go to therapy but i do search up what therapists and people who go to therapy say. i just dont think the ROI of therapy is worth the money and time to me. therapy isnt going to change how other people act, which is my problem. maybe it'll help me see things differently but that's also up to myself. if im not changing my own mind, how is a therapist going to change it for me.
also im in a state where i really cant take much more disappointment. disappointment thats a result of my own actions. like imagine pouring my heart out to someone and they just give me some useless response or turn out just as NPC as my family. i think that would be my 11th reason honestly.
i just feel quite helpless in the sense that... i cant know what will give me the result i want. i fully know and acknowledge that i cant control people, thats one thing im at peace with. but to try all different kinds of strategies and still not get the outcome i want? forget about them agreeing or understanding me, i wont ask for so much anymore. but rather i cant even get them to clean up their own dirty toilet immediately?
i mean, yes, my mom cleaned it, so i did get the clean toilet i needed. and i wonder if thats all i should ever expect. at LEAST i have a clean toilet to use. thats my goal, goal accomplished, doesnt matter if they call me crazy. should i be doing that? i cant really verbalise it but it kind of hurts me to operate that way in the world. like lonely or something? it's the AT LEAST that really gets me. i didnt come here to live a bare minimum life
i didnt come here to live a bare minimum life
but its very hard and painful to strive for more than that. i dont know if im strong or clever enough. that clever thing is about me not being willing to accept the limits of this life. like surely if im smarter, more manipulative, had more resources or edge, i would be able to at least get the actions i desire? because acknowledging limits is
1. kind of dumb because humans can literally fly now and we break what we considered limits every damn day
2. kind of suicidal like geez what else is there to live for if thats the limit
so i guess i just gotta cope by thinking im not xyz enough to get what i want. at least there's a direction i can move towards, at least i can have hope.
ON THE OTHER HAND AGAIN. this hope thing is really painful. like back to the original point, where its a losing game to even interact with someone with low awareness. i gotta have hope but thats also what destroys me every time.
i dont even know how to not hold people to my own standards. that makes me like arrogant? and i dont like feeling that way. it gives me a creeping sense that my downfall is right around the corner. im not good enough to be feeling so arrogant.
but also if i hold them to my standards i'll just be disappointed 24/7 and i really dont know how much disappointment a person can bear before they go batshit insane. this shit is not easy.
one more thing is that i just really want 1 person who im not always disappointed with. maybe even someone who can be disappointed with ME so that i can go improve myself.
im kind of losing interest in interacting with people. nowadays i feel a bit unhinged interacting with people. either i literally feel so much ennui i start ghosting them, or i feel mania (or what's consiered mania for me) and become extremely extroverted and willing to do some silly stuff (never anything with actual long lasting consequences) as if ''''nothing really matters''''
its kind of bothering me that i just feel this sense of distance with and dislike of people. i dont know if what i want is ambitious or humble. its certainly not ambitious in the traditional sense of the word but wanting an intellectual and emotional equal and compatible person isnt exactly something that everyone can achieve.
also im 29 this year and i just feel... am i not too old to be feeling this at odds with the world? i've been on earth a significant time. ive had a good enough time to be used to this shit... any longer and im going to hit my peak and start going downhill. i gotta adjust myself and enjoy that peak...
but i keep feeling like im losing out whenever i interact with individuals. im happy with nature and humanity. but individuals are driving me crazy. sometimes i feel like i have a perpetual headache. i dont think this is all life is meant to be, but i also dont really see how i can achieve that more from where im at
maybe i need to get a good solid dose of meds to scramble my preconceived ideas and get a fresh perspective.
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