so. everyone's talking about imposter syndrome now.
i first read about it when i was like 14? that was some cool stuff to me back then, and i didn't think about it again until recently when everyone started talking about it. or at least that's what it seemed like.
i didn't really think it was something that could apply to me, because i haven't really done anything much in life. but as i was writing an essay (well, a lit review type of thing) i was suddenly hit by this incredible wave of anxiety.
what tf am i doing? i've been studying linguistics for 3 years but i don't know the technical terms. i don't know how to write a literature review. i don't know the format. i don't know what to say. i have no opinion on any of these things i'm reading about.
i almost gagged with worry. literally.
this all comes despite the fact that i literally just received an A+ on a (minor) assignment the other day, and the fact that my GPA, while nothing special, is totally decent. i'm the hon gen secretary for my society. i just left my position as head of print and publicity in my other club.
i know that i'm not going to fail this assignment. i've gotten 2 Cs in uni, both modules that i knew i was going to fail from the first day. but those were compulsory. even my worst efforts in other classes (a 1,100 word essay which i wrote in 4 hours, maybe less, then lied and said it was 1,200 words) have received a B+.
but still. i just, suddenly and irrationally feel like i'm here in a good university all by chance. that i'm actually dumb as a rock. that i'm going to graduate with exactly the same amount of knowledge i had when i matriculated, holding my stupid degree and shaking inside and hoping that nobody finds out that i actually know absolutely nothing.
my essay is half finished. i know exactly what i'm going to write and where i'm going to find that information. but i still just irrationally feel like an imposter.
there's so much more i could talk about, like how i was a gifted child, how my friends seem to think i'm clever and expect good results from me, things like that. success just doesn't feel good. it's a temporary high of maybe an hour, and then after that every time i think about my past successes i only ever feel worried that my next grade won't match up. so i just never think about those any more. and then i forget that i ever succeeded.
i first read about it when i was like 14? that was some cool stuff to me back then, and i didn't think about it again until recently when everyone started talking about it. or at least that's what it seemed like.
i didn't really think it was something that could apply to me, because i haven't really done anything much in life. but as i was writing an essay (well, a lit review type of thing) i was suddenly hit by this incredible wave of anxiety.
what tf am i doing? i've been studying linguistics for 3 years but i don't know the technical terms. i don't know how to write a literature review. i don't know the format. i don't know what to say. i have no opinion on any of these things i'm reading about.
i almost gagged with worry. literally.
this all comes despite the fact that i literally just received an A+ on a (minor) assignment the other day, and the fact that my GPA, while nothing special, is totally decent. i'm the hon gen secretary for my society. i just left my position as head of print and publicity in my other club.
i know that i'm not going to fail this assignment. i've gotten 2 Cs in uni, both modules that i knew i was going to fail from the first day. but those were compulsory. even my worst efforts in other classes (a 1,100 word essay which i wrote in 4 hours, maybe less, then lied and said it was 1,200 words) have received a B+.
but still. i just, suddenly and irrationally feel like i'm here in a good university all by chance. that i'm actually dumb as a rock. that i'm going to graduate with exactly the same amount of knowledge i had when i matriculated, holding my stupid degree and shaking inside and hoping that nobody finds out that i actually know absolutely nothing.
my essay is half finished. i know exactly what i'm going to write and where i'm going to find that information. but i still just irrationally feel like an imposter.
there's so much more i could talk about, like how i was a gifted child, how my friends seem to think i'm clever and expect good results from me, things like that. success just doesn't feel good. it's a temporary high of maybe an hour, and then after that every time i think about my past successes i only ever feel worried that my next grade won't match up. so i just never think about those any more. and then i forget that i ever succeeded.
20250604
so anyway turns out majority of the human population are just babbling idiots not worthy of respect, and i can halfass my way into a decent and permissive job where sometimes i do fuck all the entire day and get praised for things i spend 10min on
i dont think im anything special and yet i can safely say im superior to a lot of people. this is highly disappointing of life and i expected better
utterly disgusted actually and unsure if having imposter syndrome is preferable to this
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