this building sees a lot of jumpers, actually. im back trying to convince myself that living is better. what stops me from killing myself RIGHT NOW is the fact that not leaving a note is unacceptable, cause i guess i still care and i still want to try and at least change the world a little, even with my death. what stops me from killing myself after writing a note is the thought that other people could possibly be changed. the thought that other good people exist. the thought that people who try exist. the thought of seeing a nice sunset or eating a nice sweet tomorrow.
i just think it's so incredible that i have to try to convince myself not to die by hanging on to thoughts of ice cream and long showers. they're just such flimsy reasons, which just goes to show how close i am to killing myself at any time. sometimes when i eat food, halfway through i just lose my appetite. nothing tastes good or appealing. it's the feeling of looking forward to something and then having it let you down. like i just intensely feel so hopeless, if i hang on to life using food and i don't enjoy food any more, then when i hang on to life using hope about good people, they might let me down too. i honestly just can't find any more reasons for living on, it's pretty hard.
because sometimes i just hate everything. i hate everything so SO much that i start wondering why im here and why im alive and why im not trying to end it right now, because everything is just so HATEFUL. i don't think i could ever describe it in words, when everything just disgusts me... i just can't see the good parts. and if you can't see the good parts, then what the hell is there to live for? i can't see it and im so scared. i don't want to be sad any more, and i don't want to hate things any more, and i don't want to hate myself for hating things any more. you know? i'm tired of being like this.
some people live on for their friends and family, but they'll move on sooner or later. because they're normal people. the people who can understand what i feel are also the people who would make themselves move on, so i don't have to worry. and the others who don't and will never feel what i feel, isn't it fine if they just carry on living and not understanding? i don't imagine my death would create any drastic waves. when someone dies because the person who wronged them wasn't punished, the answer is simple: punish that person. but what if i just hate the whole world? what if i just hate that nobody tries, nobody cares, nobody lives in a way that makes me think good things could happen as a result?
i don't care if nobody listens to me or if nobody cares about me. i've learned to cope with it very well, by being visible and insisting on getting the attention im due. but it's when they just... don't listen or care in general. when they don't try at life. why are they living then? why am i living? just to see all these stupid people create net negative impact because of their ineptitude? i don't want to see that. if i die, i won't have to face it. ergo, i should die.
i just HATE everything so much. maybe i care too much, but i don't know how to not care. because to me, if you stop caring completely, then you stop trying. and if you stop trying, that's the same as dying, so i might as well just go straight to the dying part.
if only someone could make me stop hating everything. make all the other terrible things bearable. but there isn't anyone.
i mean, all i wanted was for people to try a little. be decent and competent. make some kind of effort to learn from their mistakes or fix what they broke. ask for help, because that's trying. even just try not to bring other down. just try. you can't help some things, but even just trying a little goes a long way. i don't know, i don't think that's a lot to ask.
am i delusional? do i just have an idealised idea of the world? i don't think so though, because i sympathise and understand when people in absolutely shit situations act in a way that i wouldn't accept from people in different situations. they did try, i know. they're doing their best and sometimes they just need a break. i know sometimes you might have the ability but not the mental fortitude to do things. that's ok.
but i don't understand when a husband beats the wife and child, and the wife doesn't leave him to protect the child. don't you love your child? it's so clear to me. i understand if you can't leave an abusive relationship, because we don't always know our own worth. but a child? A CHILD? it's open and shut.
maybe that's why i get so mad at inaction that affects others. if you live alone and don't clean your house, that's your problem. if you have a pet and don't clean your house, you're abusing your pet. your pet never consented to a dirty living situation and they can't do anything about it either.
if you're not good at raising children, it's not a problem as long as you don't have children. but once you do choose to have a child, how can you not make a conscious effort to become better? how?? but there are so many people who do that. i just don't understand, and it makes me want to kill myself so i don't have to face this reality.
does it mean i take the world's problems personally? i don't think so. but it chips away at my desire to live in this world, bit by bit. how can i just ignore it because it doesn't affect me? it affects SOMEONE. one day, it might happen to someone i care about. and then it will be too late to start caring. can't everyone see that? can't everyone see that you should think about the consequences before committing to anything, even committing to not caring?
i don't think im smart or special. i just think that i'm logical and i don't lie to myself, which i don't think is a high bar, but it's just that SO MANY people can't hit it, and that makes me wonder just how shitty the world is that people can't even be logical and truthful to themselves. is such a shitty world worth living in? why would you live if living meant being in a shitty world? you get what i mean?
i just hate everything and i don't know what to do to help.
sometimes i feel so grateful for bts. there are plenty of exemplary entertainment figures out there but bts aren't just entertainment. with every action and word, they embody everything that gives me hope about the world. every time they pause to consider their words before speaking, that gives me hope. every time they hedge or thank others, that shows gracefulness, and that gives me hope. them caring about others' feelings - not even doing anything, just caring - that gives me hope. helping others, even by bringing a chair over, that gives me hope. their commitment to trying. their clear acknowledgement of their faults and sincere apologies. them changing their actions in order to not repeat any mistakes.
none of that is difficult, and none of those things are exclusively things that only celebrities can do. but why don't more people act like that? WHY?
this is all i ever wanted. for people to be decent. to be logical and truthful to themselves most of the time. just this is enough to make everything else shitty about the world bearable, it's enough to make me happy and hopeful and want to keep living. like, this is ALL i need. but that's not happening and i hate everything and i want to die.
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