-- jonghyun

i wrote this 6 months after jonghyun left. it's been over a year now and i don't feel any different. i don't think i'll ever feel different.





thought about jonghyun again and couldn't stop crying again.

it just hurts so much. i'm usually so good at stopping myself from crying, but ever since jonghyun i don't know what's happened to me. i cried for 2 hours today and it's been over 6 months and even shinee are well enough to promote although they're scarily thin and it makes me worry all over again.

i just don't know ??

i don't know how to deal with death?? 

i mean if he had died in an accident, i probably wouldn't even be half as sad. i'd be angry or something. but it's because, because he suffered so much. i've been close to where he was before, and if i even try to think about what he went through, i start crying uncontrollably. like actually uncontrollably. 

i don't know if it's something i can ever explain. the place he was in before he died, or how it felt to be there, or my attachment to him, or why time doesn't seem to help this time around.

i guess there's also a bit of anger and guilt. i've known for years that jonghyun wasn't the happiest person around, and especially in the last few years when his appearance started getting a bit gaunt - you know, when he went from boyband style to looking a bit like his face had been painted on. getting really skinny, working out a lot, having extremely well defined muscles that you just don't achieve without hard dieting. those years when he started giving songs to his friends and taeyeon was also getting more vocal about not being the happiest. 

and i've never even met him. so if i could call that, then many other closer to him must've also called that. and i don't understand why 

i mean, i guess i understand why they couldn't help him even if they had known. jonghyun said in his lyrics and note and everything that he just couldn't be happy. i know, kind of. it's like knowing you have no reason to be sad and trying every single thing you can think of to make yourself happy, and you're just... sad. and after a while you forget what happy is. and then you lose hope. and i keep saying this, that if you have no hope then it's literally impossible to live another day. 

i won't move on this subject, because if i knew that nothing would ever get better then i would just kill myself without hesitation and i almost did. i don't know how close i came to that, and i don't even want to admit i was close, but... it's the kind of sadness that just doesn't make any sense. like you hate the sadness and yourself for being sad and the world for letting sadness exist. you hate every single thing that could possibly exist, and everything you see becomes nothing but hateful.

when i think back now on how many years he lived through like that...

i would rather he left us earlier than suffer through so much.

i don't know how to deal with this because 'time heals all wounds' only works for things that have a future. if i get a bad mark, i could do better. if i were hospitalised, i could recover. but a death is like a gaping abyss of a full stop. vast and deep, a black hole of sheer nothingness. i don't know what to do with it. do i just drag it around for the rest of my life? 

i don't know what kind of counselling shinee received that they can even continue existing. i know that if someone i shared so much of my life with had committed suicide, i would be right on the edge of breaking down any second. every second. sure i'd look fine and act fine, but it really would only take one stray thought to send me into another 3-hour crying session. 

all i have to do is think back to that moment in december, on the train in japan, on the way back from tokyo to chiba, that numb shock and disbelief, my shaking hands. i cried on the train. my tears were so hot on my face, and they wouldn't stop. 

i thought it was a horrible, horrible joke for 2 whole hours. i couldn't wrap my mind around it, but i think i already knew from the start that there wouldn't be any miraculous news. 

and it's been over 6 months now, and i still remember it SO clearly. i feel exactly the same. it hurts exactly the same and i still don't know how to deal with it. i'm honestly afraid that i never will. 

i know kibum isn't the happiest person either, ever since his hair started getting shorter and shorter and his face barer and his build even skinnier. i couldn't even look at shinee for this half a year, but now i can see that all of them are scarily thin. minho looks like he shrank. he used to have a strong jaw, but now the skin is loose. i can literally see the outline of taemin's cheekbone, and i do mean bone. i can see the edge of his bone. the orange hair isn't doing onew any favours but it's obvious that he's lost weight and is looking exceptionally pale too. and i don't think kibum's new short hairstyle is just a hairstyle choice. he's been letting go and letting go of so many things over the years, and i know what it's like to have things like hair and makeup pale in comparison to other things.

i'm worried about them because i can see that sort of bone-deep, weary, responsible tiredness in them.