??

you know what really pisses me off? when my brother hits me and my father thinks it's his problem (it sort of is) and takes over the whole thing and wont let me say a word to my brother and even scolds me for scolding my brother...and then i never hear an apology...ever

like isn't that so fucked up? what's with that? are all fathers like that, or is mine especially irritating? 

i love my dad and everything but sometimes he does such stupid things with no reason whatsoever. 

i used to think adults were, well, better than children, but now i realise that adults are actually kind of pathetic - not all of them, of course, but a huge number of them. don't you realise that adults seem to think they're entitled to a lot of things - for no reason other than that they're adults? i thought we grew out of that in primary school. 

haven't you seen adults throw temper tantrums? it's terrible. it's worse than children. at least kids don't know any better - well i'm starting to think that adults don't know any better either.

i can't believe adults get to do important things like run the economy and teach things to small children. it's the same adults who do your banking that make the waitresses cry when their food is slow. 

it boggles my mind that stupid people are more confident, which leads to us putting stupid people in positions of power. it boggles my mind that 1: stupid people are confident and 2: people fall for it. to be honest i'd probably fall for it too, but wouldn't you realise after a while? i understand why it happens, but like... why???? 

i know that apparently the human race is getting smarter, but it sure doesn't seem like it. i am seriously worried that what with intelligent women being less inclined to motherly feelings and having children, and stupid people in positions of power, that the human race will fuck up spectacularly. 

i can't believe that there are still people who think that racism and homophobia and all kinds of dicrimination are not problems. i really, honestly, can't even believe it. when i see people like that, i have nothing to say except maybe "don't you have a brain?" but that would be rude, so i just stare at them, feeling like the world is upside-down. 

isn't it, like, crazy? i know that if you're benefitting from something, you'd want to keep it that way forever, but don't you ever think about things other than yourself? 

there's a difference between my ideal world and the ideal world for me. i know that and i try not to be the kind of person that works for the ideal world for me, but the kind of person that works for the ideal world and making myself a person that can be happy in the ideal world. 

i don't know why people don't like thinking about things other than themselves. isn't that narrow? isn't that boring? doesn't that make you lonely? 

well in other news, i have a problem with almost all of the world. actually, there's nothing new about that. i always have issues with everything. 

what i did in recent months (the last few months of 2014)

*bc i was lazy so this is late

after school ends i actually get kind of busy. yes i actually get a life. so here are a list of things that i did (voluntarily!! kind of) after school ended. i mean, after projectwork ended. goddamn i hated projectwork.

1. i volunteered for some marathon!! ok dont drop dead of shock. i didnt run a marathon. i'd probably die before ever running a marathon of my own free will so. i actually volunteered to help out with a marathon (because there was a volunteer allowance and also for community involvement hours).

it drizzled the whole fucking night and tam was so miserable but i was pretty okay? we were supposed to be stationed by the road and make sure no one died or anything. guess where we were stationed. no prizes or anything lol.

we were stationed outside some hip, cool club for young people. and from 3 in the morning all the way to 5 or 6 people came out smoking and smelling like alcohol and generally being drunk. i think this woman was puking. and i saw someone in cool dominatrix sexywear and stuff but i have no idea if this someone was male or female or anything (i just wanted there to be a dick involved because that person would deserve an award for stuffing a dick in those tiny tiny tight latex shorts)

tam was a bit scared haha and i think someone tried to hit on her. but i was just like "im tired. and i'll fuck up anyone who pisses me off" and that's basically me when tired. i was like giving off "i'll stomp on your fucking dick dont touch me" vibes i think

tam in a trashy raincoat looking good

im just trash
a head attached to legs

2. i went for a law internship!! ok so it wasn't, like, a real internship. i mean, it was legit and everything, organised by some law association and it was actually a pretty prestigious thing for a high schooler to attend. but!! we have zero law training or knowledge, basically. we can't help much and most cases are pretty confidential so.

ok but i think it's mostly because i was assigned to a pretty big law firm, rodyk and davidson. it's the oldest law firm actually. wow!! they have a library of (totally dry) law books and references, and i saw a nautical law book over a hundred years old. and it was all crinkly and going transparent and wow so rad!!

people who got assigned to smaller firms got a lot of stuff to do. i basically did some basic (like i mean really basic) research for my mentor, and spent most of my time reading those law books. i have gained new appreciation for lawyers!! it's damned bloody hard to become a lawyer. those books are actually killer, and i consider myself a pretty tough reader.

3. went for my dad's company's family day. so basically we went to adventure cove and i snorkelled and touched some fish. the snorkel water was so salty and cold like holy shit. i've never snorkelled before so i had no idea what to do. but i just shoved the tube in my mouth like what could go wrong right?? they have lifeguards on standby and the water isn't even deep.

well i was kind of wrong because when i looked down it was terrifying?? im actually scared of heights. it was like i was standing on nothing and i panicked a bit. quietly. and i forgot to breathe through my mouth lmao so that's how i know the water is salty as fuck. i probably swallowed fish shit. anyway i got on with it bc it would be so weird to back off when im already in the water.

and then afterwards i went to snorkel again because apparently i am a glutton for punishment lmao no im joking. i just like cool things enough to disregard my caveman tendencies to be safe. i do things like go on roller coasters precisely because im fucking terrified of them. like. i am an adrenaline junkie or something.

here are some photos. the some of them were taken with an underwater camera. cool huh.

[ugh lazy to upload]

4. i photographed for prom!! again. yeah i did prom last year too. this year was less traumatising and scary. 

but still a pain in the ass because of all the different lighting and shit. anyway i worry less about the details now. or maybe i just worry less. anyway the photography club has dulled my sensibilities and now i am no longer offended by things that are sucky. or, to be more specific, if my photos are sucky. i know they're not shitty. but they might be sucky. but i dont have enough attention to spare about suckiness because.......

5. afa14!!!!!!!!!! this year's anime festival asia has a nico nico kunikaigi stage and if you want to read about my uncontrollable fangirling or see the awesome rad photos i took, you can go to the post here.

6. i volunteered at famfiesta!! okay so im not actually hyped about it. it was some family-bonding thing camp whatever, and i only agreed to go because my friend asked me to go, and i am shitty at rejecting things that i am totally allowed to reject. but i got community involvement hours for it, and it counts towards next year's hours, and im trying to rack up triple digits without trying next year. looks good on the portfolio.

it was kinda okay and i had to talk to kids and stuff. and kids, predictably, were annoying and spoiled and attention-seeking and totally not worth it dont have kids. however i am pretty much a master of pretending to be nice (lol) im joking i just dont want kids to cry on me or anywhere near me in general.

7. probably going out with the german group again. yay. did not go out with the german group bc i was lazy and stuffs and no one could make it bc they were doing homework and stuff. the last time we went to gladys' house and drank lots of varied and good alcohol and sat up until 3 in the morning waiting for people to get drunk but nobody did. and i got the best sleep of my life that night wow alcohol is good for sleep. (and then i truly understood "beer is shit")

7. went to gabrielle's house for gift exchange and her mother cooked awesome food again!! yay. i got jiayi's present, which was weird as hell and totally nsfw. it was some shoujo manga and on the cover there's this girl being held down by a guy and her shirt was open and her rainbow bra was visible and it says on the cover "not suitable for children".

8. spent new year's eve staying up until 3am again...probably watching some sexy zone shit... i discovered sexy zone a few days before christmas, and oh god, my life is ruined. i struggled through 22 episodes of subless sexy zone channel the dedication is real. on a less important note i didnt do any of my homework

so that sums up my last month or two of 2014

as usual i was very lazy so this post is very late

(fic) to dream, perchance, to

- kurobasu, akakuro. bc i feel bad for not posting

-----------

He dreams of an endless blue.

:

When Akashi wakes up, it is just only six in the morning. He blinks at the vague sky, turns off his alarm. Ten minutes later he is dressed in a neatly pressed uniform and drinking a cup of green tea.

The apartment is silent, and the silence echoes. There is no one to greet, no one to welcome, no one to say "tadaima" to. Not that Akashi Seijuuro had ever had that habit, having been raised in a westernised family by a foreign nanny for the first five years of his life.

He picks up his bag, leaves the half-empty steaming cup on the table, departs for school.

:

There is a blue at the edge of his vision. When he turns around sharply, there is nothing even remotely similar to blue anywhere in that direction. But he is used to it. He turns back, takes another step, continues on his way to school.

:

School is tedious, monotonous, Akashi answers questions and recites poems word for word. He waits for the blue, but in his nondescript building in a nondescript campus there are only grey walls and grey railings and he leans against those railings, breathes in the air, sighs into the blue.

:

He dreams of an endless blue, an eternal blue, an all-encompassing blue that shrinks suddenly to a single pale iris. Then he is staring into a face, a face with eyes that slowly blink and a mouth that parts open "sei-juu-rou".

:

Another day at school, another day watching wisps of blue blow through his fingers in the wind, Akashi Seijuurou thinks about his name, thinks about his family, thinks about winning, thinks about blue irises in a Japanese face.

On his way back to his apartment he finds a blue flower in the drain. He lifts the heavy metal cover, takes the plant, roots and all, and goes back to his apartment to put it in a little flowerpot.

:

He dreams of an infinite blue, a thousand years of existence in between one blink of those two eyes and the next. His hands are wrapped around a slender neck and he is looking into blue eyes and the eyes blink and a mouth says "sei-juu-rou".

:

Often he wonders why he had been given the name "Seijuurou". Often he thinks about the name "Tetsuya", and an expanse of edgeless blue.

Sometimes the blue grows so huge that he has trouble comprehending anything else, rendered incapable of movement and speech, and there is only blue, such an overwhelming blue, a beautiful blue, painted behind his eyelids and imprinted on the inside of his skull, a blue, such a blue.

Then, always, there is the name "Tetsuya", "Tetsuya Tetsuya Tetsuya" over and over and over again echoing in the emptiness of the huge blue taking over his mind, and there is only blue.

:

He dreams of a small little blue dot, and a pink mouth that moves, and "Seijuurou, kill me" runs through his mind in a neverending line, and there is so much blue, so much blue that it is bursting out of him, spilling out of his skin, and everything is blue, there is only blue.

There is only one blue.

(and he opens his mouth at last and what comes out is "tetsuya")

:

I touch the blue.

i missed my january post because i was doing homework

yes, i can't believe it either. school started and i started doing homework every day like a robot. me. homework. it's almost an oxymoron.

it feels like the rest of my life's just going to be me going "well it's got to be done" and blankly doing work. that's terrible, that's like soul-crushingly terrible. i can't even remember what happened for new year's or anything because nothing really did.

i was going to say that i'm glad it's february, but i took that back immediately because that only means the 'a' levels are nearer. ew.

though i honestly think doing all the required work will get me four 'a's, definitely. i've only been getting bad grades because i've never actually bothered to do any of the required work. then again, if i don't start doing my required work soon, it'll be too late to do anything.

ew

i really. really do not like school.

also i find myself losing absolutely all my patience for idiots. there is no patience. i give no fucks. this year i might actually punch someone. i know i've been saying this for years, and i've never actually punched anyone, but this year i'm just so stressed and ready to let go of all my frustration on the first misogynistic dickbag i see.

nothing interesting has happened since my last post. and i have nothing interesting planned in the forseeable future. and so i think i'm going to have a terrible, funless year. it's going to be joyless and i'll probably cry myself to sleep over my homework.

the most terrible part is that the lessons go so slowly that i end up being so bored that i fall asleep and learn nothing. we could probably just have self study rather than general paper lessons. it'd be more useful too. you can probably tell, but i'm really not made for school.

been a friend. loved louder.

this isn't really a post but i just wanted to bring attention to this poem!! it's really great

ok so i was reading this nabari no ou fanfiction (i know, why do i torture myself so) and there was this totally rad!!!! poem interspersed throughout and i was like wow

as in "wow i am crying and can hardly see anything through the tears but goddamn if this isn't a fucking great poem"

anyway apparently this poem is an amateur poem; that is, it wasn't written by some famous established poet and was published on a site. but it's also actually quite famous and has inspired quite a few fanfictions.

anyway so here's the link.

it's called "innocence already lost" but i thought the lines "been a friend. loved louder." was wayyyy more empathetic. (anyway it made me cry the hardest. i literally started sobbing when i read it)

so anyway i replicated it here:


it wasn't snowing yet, but they'd told us it would.
probably I said something infantile, about how
I could smell it, the frostiness of snowflakes in the
air, because you smiled that knowing smile of yours, 
like you were an adult and i was a child and you 
didn't have the heart to take my innocence away.

that look always made my heart smile, sadly, and
it also drove me up a wall, partly because it made 
me want to hug you close and pity you the
burden of assumed moral superiority, and whisper
that you, too were a child. but mostly because you
were right— I clung to my naiveté while you, you
had already had the good sense to push it away.
it followed you around with sad puppy eyes, but 
you knew it and you kept it at arm's length. 
you brave, brave soul.

when it did start to snow I wasn't surprised. you 
were. you didn't say anything. we were in
a deserted school hallway, listening, removed
from the other kids' cries. we were
delighted too, but the others wanted to run home
early, and we knew the definition
of home better than they. and I can speak only for
myself but it seemed we both wanted only to stay
forever side by side, tucked away in our corner,
me reveling in the softness of love and friendship
and winter, you trying to be there with me but having
trouble leaving your mind, where that sad-eyed
puppy snapped at your heels. 
but you held your own.

and slowly, we built up moments like this one.
we wallowed in each other and in the coziness
of cloudy days. we read good poetry and 
heard good music and took photographs as we
discussed life from our  softer world.
or at least mine was.
there were moments of such pure white happiness
that they came full circle to being sad,
simply because I knew I would never be that
happy again, and I was not wrong, and I didn't
want to be. and we had
sad moments, too, never ever think I am not 
happy to be sad with you.

and slowly, too, your innocence knew its
defeat, and sat obediently at your feet, 
and we shared things. 
but I was a child, and a weak one at that, and
G-d knew I was not as strong as you so He
gave me no great suffering to speak of, to 
share with you. no way to reciprocate the
vulnerability you gave, and that in
itself was suffering for me. 

I regret that I was not good at saying things.
I couldn't share them, but I was not strong
enough to deal with them myself, so that while
you had to be your own adult and push childhood
away, I clung hopelessly to mine as
I discovered me and watched it slip
from my small hands.

among the plethora of reasons I can give for 
bitterly hating sunny days is the
way the sun slanted through the window and lit
up your eyes and swilled particles around 
your face like fairy dust on the day you reached
out and pulled my lanyard over your own neck.
look, you said, content. almost proud. 
I'm wearing a bit of you around my 
neck, and you wove it through your
sunlit fingers, eyes bright. you tugged on it,
lightly. that's what love does, it strangles
you. yet we all want it.

and I gasped at the way that word sounded, 
so harsh in such beautiful sunlight on such
a soft face. but I don't want to strangle
you. I said that. thoughtlessly, 
instinctively. I regret it every day. in that regard,
you gave me the strength to grow up and deal
with suffering of my own, albeit of a smaller
scale— you are so damn strong.

when your ache tugged and tugged at you, 
tore you from reality, or brought you closer to it, 
it slipped its finger into that lanyard knot. loosened it. 
I could have reached out right then, as you had when you
pulled the sun-soaked string over your head, and
tightened it. tightened us. been a friend.
loved louder.

you were too strong to cry outside, and I tried so
hard, too hard, to suppress the instincts of a friend. I thought what
if that's not me? and I didn't tug the knot for fear of
pulling it apart altogether. if you run. when you run,
I know that two grown dogs
will follow after you, blocked 
from the sun by your receding shadow.




and i can't stop crying over these three stanzas:

among the plethora of reasons I can give for 
bitterly hating sunny days is the
way the sun slanted through the window and lit
up your eyes and swilled particles around 
your face like fairy dust on the day you reached
out and pulled my lanyard over your own neck.
look, you said, content. almost proud. 
I'm wearing a bit of you around my 
neck (and at this point i cry lots), and you wove it through your
you. yet we all want it.you. I said that. thoughtlessly, 


sunlit fingers, eyes bright. you tugged on it,
lightly. that's what love does, it strangles

and I gasped at the way that word sounded, 
so harsh in such beautiful sunlight on such
a soft face. but I don't want to strangle
instinctively. I regret it every day. in that regard,
you gave me the strength to grow up and deal
with suffering of my own, albeit of a smaller
scale— you are so damn strong.

when your ache tugged and tugged at you, 
tore you from reality, or brought you closer to it, 
it slipped its finger into that lanyard knot. loosened it. 
I could have reached out right then, as you had when you
pulled the sun-soaked string over your head, and
tightened it. tightened us. been a friend.
loved louder. (aaand at this point i am five tissues invested)