summary of the previous few years

i suppose i persist with this blog thing because its easier than writing an offline diary. cant search a diary after all - once i flip the page its like it never existed. every day i thank the invention of the search function. and digitisation.

over the past few years whats happened is that i started working, and working out. and dating. and then work sort of took over my entire life. and dating. then work started really affecting me as a person so i started planning to quit. but i guess some god out there was looking out for me.

in 2024 i had a resignation letter drafted in my work email.

in 2025 i gave a company wide training where i shared my screen and my chatgpt convo about 'resignation letter' was clearly visible in the sidebar

in 2026 april turns out my narc mom has stage 4 cancer. still on the fence about how i feel about that

in 2026 may i started getting actual legit injuries every few days. like it was gnarly. im not superstitious but i was genuinely starting to feel like i was cursed or doing something majorly wrong with my life. for 2 months straight i could not stop getting injured. whats worse is that i was on LEAVE 'taking care' of my mom so i wasnt even working. its like falling sick on PTO days.

in 2026 july i had my ducks in a row and i was going to quit on aug 12. but as luck would have it, they terminated me in the last week of july. 

funny because my manager said it was due to my role being made redundant, but later hr refused to confirm anything and kept saying it was a contractual termination. long long LONG story behind it, but the long and short of it is that this bitch hated me for a mysterious reason. i still dont know what it is btw.

either way my injuries stopped the day i was terminated. haha. oh and all my colleagues and clients were devastated. moderate length story but it was all very validating for my ego. i compulsively cannot break out of my work character so just imagine a 200% nicer and more polite version of me who just looks at my paycheck instead of voicing out anything im unhappy about. i used to voice it in my first few years of work but the same old corporate story goes, nobody cared so i also stopped caring.

its been about 3 weeks since i stopped working and its actually taken me this long to just progress beyond daily tasks. burnout is no joke. like i genuinely forgot i actually enjoyed thinking by myself and pondering about useless things. forgot i actually wanted to be productive in my own little ways instead of scrolling tiktok all day. forgot i actually knew english and could use more varied sentences than some stupid report or like putting on a show for the clients.  

anyway currently im quite atheist, superstitious as a hobby, misandrist and misanthrophic. just thought id write this down somewhere in case i forget and delude myself into thinking i was a different person at this point of time than i actually was.

im supposed to do a few things during this break.

1. learn to drive in china
2. learn to drive in sg
3. take my pmp cert
4. write my resume

ignoring the non-goal actions like recovering from burnout, and the obvious conclusion that i need to find my next job. 

oh and i need to start paying for my bto next year. thank god my ex exists - im still mad at him for various things, but this guy doesnt mind slogging for work, and most importantly he doesnt mind paying for things he gets no tangible benefit from.

i mean, as all good men should. no man in my personal life should ever be calculating about money. thats my job. 1 penny pinching asshole is enough for any relationship.

also i lost a few thousand dabbling in the 2026 gold speculation. not a big deal but what makes me mad is that i KNEW it was going to crash. at one point i was up 10% in a couple of days and i was going to cash out at any moment, but i was late and lost money instead. good thing i have sense and my years of DCA more than made up for any losses, but losing a single cent pisses me off.

its a sad state of the world when we're speculating on gold. but moving on.

oh i guess im done actually. might come back with more thoughts another day.

oh oh and i have to update that my dell inspiron 13 from over a decade ago is literally LITERALLY rotting away but still works perfectly. im... whats a word thats more than amazed? theres really no words for this, the rubber is literally flaking off, the camera is actually exposed because part of the screen fell off, i cannot describe how this has exceeded not only my expectations, but also my delusions.

like the keyboard still works perfectly. no cleaning. no keyboard cover. my thinkpad for work - ive gone through 5 of those!! and one where the keyboard fully stopped working in a patch and i had to use the on screen keyboard for a while.

only 1 green line on the screen and its like 1 pixel wide and hardly noticeable. and i used to keep this thing plugged in day and night for months on end, for my torrents.

stronger than my will to live fr