are we sitting in fishbowls, guessing

happy november im sorry im a little emotionally unavailable.




actually, i don't think anyone would actually say, like, "you know, you're a little emotionally unavailable" about me, ever. i don't really show any of the signs, the supposed red flags, all that jazz. i mean, i support my friends, make time for them, listen to them, worry about them for them. i'm pretty normal.

but i'm actually faking it mostly. i wing it like a pro, even if i do say so myself.

all my friends know i'm a bit dead emotionally, like i don't have a lot of emotions, and they're never strong emotions. um, i'm not sure if i don't feel them, or i don't know how to feel them, or if, y'know, whatever. so knowing this, i think they adjust the bar a bit lower for me, regarding emotional input.

they don't expect that many emotions from me, so i can get away with a lot of things. sometimes i don't know if i'm actually supporting my friends because i care about them, or if i just think i should care for them.

i make time for them, skip my own stuff for them sometimes, but it doesn't come emotionally. i'm just like, why not? what's it going to do to my life, anyway, if i skip a couple of lectures. i kind of have this default setting of saying yes to everything that's not, like, life-changing, even if i hate it or am really scared of it. so honestly i don't think me making time for friends comes from me actually caring about them.

i know for things like emotional stuff, my friends rarely really ask for my input. they know i don't have much to offer in that area, that my emotional range doesn't stretch that far. i know that too, but sometimes i wonder if i actually have an emotional range at all or if i'm just constantly empty inside. i'm emotionally unavailable for them like this, but i could also literally turn all my emotions off just that like.

and i'm almost ashamed to say this, but i don't really form attachments to people. someone whom we all thought we were really close to just basically dropped off our radar for half a year, and everyone's been worried about it. except me. i was pretty close to her too, but mostly i just don't even think about this, ever, unless someone else brings it up. i don't even care, and ... i don't know, i think a normal person would care.

and i liked her too, i'd let her crash at my house at 2am, all those best friend goals and everything. but now she's just upped and left us all and i don't even care.

and there's another thing where i can't share my emotions with my friends. i'm so, so honest with them, in that i don't censure my likes or dislikes, and i tell what i think without filters. but when it comes to the way i worry about how human i really am and i lie awake at night, it doesn't come out. i don't know, i'm not scared of telling them, not really. i post it on my blog after all, and i know they read it sometimes. it's just, face-to-face, i'd be trying to match our emotions up like two puzzle pieces from different puzzles. whereas if it's online, i'm just letting them know that i have a puzzle piece. they don't have to try and relate.

i'm... just... a little absent, when it comes to emotions, i guess. because i feel like my emotional puzzle pieces are from a defective copy of the same puzzle, so they don't fit.

and... like, i'm so bad at replying to people, because i don't know what to say, or i can't grasp what specific emotion they're sending to me, so i can't fake my way through returning it, so i just... don't. and especially online, i just let people reply to me all the time, and i never say anything back, and i wonder how they even stay my friends.

so now i'm just confused about myself and my emotions, and i just feel a little bad whenever anything touches too close to emotions because i'm like a huge gaping bottomless hole where emotions are concerned. you could pour bucketloads into me and nothing will come back in your direction. there's no return on your investments. it's all a one-way street.

i don't want to gripe about this too much because it's not like it's a huge problem that interferes with my life, but... it kind of does interfere with my life. and i think about this a lot. am i too self-absorbed? am i just incapable of producing real emotions?

it's always the same feeling of me sitting still in a fishbowl while everyone rushes around doing things around me. this pretty intense feeling of separation from everyone else. like i can fake everything because they're only watching through the thick glass. like, that game, where everyone gets a word on a card and they all have to describe what it is without saying the word, except one person gets a blank card and has to lie and fake their way through, and i'm always the one with the blank card, and i don't know what other people are seeing and they don't know what i'm seeing.

this... emotional unavailability thing, it makes me a dead fish emotionally, and it also makes me want to dig into other people like a pumpkin, to try and know what they feel from the inside. and it's all so hopeless in the end because they're not me and i'm not them, and if i were them i wouldn't be able to understand them from my perspective, but if i were me looking through their eyes then i wouldn't be able to understand them as they themselves do.

yeah, i've been trying to come to terms with life and fruitless human connections for almost six years? i still can't be okay with it.

i wonder if other people feel like this, if we're all sitting in fishbowls guessing.

i'm sorry i don't have emotions.

i think everyone knows how much i don't understand emotions, but i fake it enough to be normal so it gets glossed over a little. and i think that's okay... probably.


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and here's another post that i wrote about my lack of emotions, which sounds pretty much identical to this one. i promise that my angst over my lack of real angst will be limited to this popst, i won't harp on about it endlessly.

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i literally am unable to understand when people go all sappy for someone else. it makes me wonder if i'm deficient in some way.

like, when people say things like, oh, you make me feel wanted, you make me a better person

??

how does that even work? does someone else's existence make you magically feel ok? that's so weird tbh. i mean like, i feel wanted even if i'm by myself... so... like... do you not feel wanted usually? do you... not feel like a good person usually? bc if that's the case, i am SO worried about you.

i get that sometimes people just say these trite shit because they're so into their significant other, that it's just meant to represent how much they like the other person, but also... i can't empathise with that sentiment either.

i can't find anything within me that is capable of understanding either of these two scenarios. when i read things like that, i just feel repulsed. i feel... nauseated by it.

everyone says those things, so i'm wondering if i'm lacking something in the emotional department. sometimes i even wonder if i should see someone for emotional dissociation, because there's a whole range of emotional responses that i know i'm supposed to be able to relate to, but instead i find a gaping hole where i'm supposed to relate.

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in other news i'm going to try for nanowrimo this year

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in other news i've given up on nanowrimo