two days ago:
god, i want to die. i cant believe i fucked up my results. this is actually the worst thing that has ever happened to me so far.
i dont know how to deal with this. i feel like i am worth less of a person just because my results are bad. i know i'm not actually worth any less, but it's so hard to feel that way when your whole life hinges on your results.
i feel like i dont deserve nice things anymore. i feel confused when people are nice to me. i feel guilty when i am happy.
fuck, i just hope i get into a university. if i dont, i might as well really go and kill myself.
at the risk of sounding melodramatic, whatever.
i cant believe my friends have such good results. i mean, i'm happy for them, but i feel inadequate. it's going to last for years, it's horrible. of course it'll stop mattering in a few years but only because by then we'll have different things to measure ourselves by. i know our friendship is more than that, but it's so so hard to not let society give you ranks.
this society is fucked up and i am fucked up
today:
now that i'm more coherent, this is actually fucking hilarious. it's like a rule that when you find one problem with yourself, you suddenly realise everything single other problem that you have. you don't discover them all at once, but it's more like that thing in your gut when you're like, "fuck, i'm fucked up", and you know you've been fucked up like since forever, but you only FEEL it now.
i have so many neuroses but i can't be bothered to deal with any of them. i guess i'll just procrastinate until i have to do something, but anyway it's not like they'll land me in an institution. even my neuroses are half-assed, just like me.
i don't like feeling stupid. i don't like being thought of as stupid by any kind of measurement. i do NOT appreciate bad grades when those grades are measured against the whole cohort. it's like a definitive "you don't measure up" and FUCK, but it hurts. and i know, so well, and everyone knows, so well, that those grades measure so so very little of what really matters in a person. but it's still a bad grade, isn't it? it still means a small part of you doesn't measure up.
and personally, i really am a grossly judgemental person. i keep it all in my head, of course, and BECAUSE i am AWARE that i am a judgemental person, i am able to correct my actions and speech to take away or at least account for my judgement. anyway the point is that i don't like dumb people and now that my grades say i'm kind of dumb, that's really come back to bite me in the ass and i am now very uncomfortable. with myself. i am not accustomed to it.
i mean. i totally understand that good grades don't equal to a good brain or a good person. it just means that someone has excelled in the very limited area of general academics. it usually means motivation, the ability to study, self-management, yadda yada all that boring crap. it sounds so healthy i want to puke.
when i was young i was so very good at academics, because at that point i literally had to put zero work into it to score excellent grades. but when it got harder and i really had to put my back into it, i just didn't put my back into it, you get me? i couldn't stand the thought of doing something that tedious. it bores me. i bore myself.
i'm actually kind of afraid that life will one day bore me to the point where i take a flying leap off a building for the hell of it. but let's stop, i'm nowhere near that point, and i'm not old enough to deal with my suicidal neurosis yet.
anyway, i was talking about how good grades don't equal to good brains or some shit, so that i can convince myself i can still judge dumb people for doing dumb shit. i know this sounds horrible and you're wondering how i even have friends, and the answer is that i have no fucking idea. maybe people find my general apathy for life and my momentary, fleeting, desperate attempts to care about things amusing. maybe my general apathy is why i'm such a pathetic adrenaline junkie. no doubt if drugs were more accessible in my society then i'd be hooked on more than one thing by now.
i'm talking about how a straight A student can ask for some information that i've provided them two seconds ago in the conversation that we were having. completely cluelessly. it's like it doesn't even register. do they need two study sessions to review the information and pound it into their brains? is that how they live their life? god that must suck. why can't you integrate new information into your existing understanding of the situation? why can't your mind be flexible? why must people be stuck on the same existing tracks and never want to wander off?
you know what makes me boil inside? when i see something that could be easily improved and i ask the person in charge "hey, you know, why haven't you done that very simple thing that is completely within your power to improve on this thing?" and they fucking tell me. "oh. yeah. haven't thought about it." or even worse, "i don't know."
you don't fucking know? let me rephrase. you mean you sit and look at this filth every day and you've never thought about cleaning it up? and this isn't even a metaphor. i'm literally talking about cleaning a fucking desk. the dust is so thick that there are BALLS OF DUST and just because it's the corner behind a computer screen, it's okay to ignore it.
so i cleaned it. and i wondered if i would be cleaning things for people forever, stuck in low end jobs, just because my neuroses won't let any area around me be that fucking filthy. god, i feel dirty thinking about it. i want a shower.
i just hate people who don't think. and even after you point it out to them, they don't see anything wrong with not thinking. the weight of it doesn't even hit them. i don't have good metaphors on hand for that. the weight of it probably flies right over their head and land in another country, for all the good it does.
now i feel justified in hating dumb people again. i understand that "dumb" is very not PC nowadays, and honestly is a VERY broad brush stroke for all kinds of things, but if i were to start listing the specific kinds of stupidity that i hate, i would literally never end.
i'd walk on the street and just pick out every single thing that isn't good enough. which is everything. the pavement is crooked, oh god, how hard can it be for them to make it straight? they're paid contractors, they should be able to do that much. and smooth out the gravel! it's shameful and it hurts my eyes. why has the temporary bus stop been there for years? it's called "temporary" for a fucking reason, the country builds entire multi-storey malls in months and a fucking bus stop... fuck. people who wear slippers with jeans. people who draw horrible eyeliner, there are fucking mirrors everywhere. use them. people who have kids and then look at their kids indulgently when they make loud noises. i'm turning my head to look because your spawn is making a godawful sound. not because he's cute. my smile is a fucking lie and you should know that if your brains haven't been turned to mush by listening to him scream twenty-four hours a day.
i need to stop. honestly i just want to vent forever, because so many things irritate me, but i usually just tune off and make myself not care. i'd be a quivering wreck of barely contained hatred if i actually let myself care about it at all. everything's shit. i hate dumb people. i am dumb. i don't know where i'm going in life. what do i do if i end up somewhere where i can't look down on people any more? what do i do with my life?
i'm just shallow and mean and i want life to be fucking cakewalk. maybe even a literal cakewalk. i'm in a bad mood so i'm writing a mean blog post. this is pathetic. i still want to die.
shit, it's like once you start wanting to die, you never stop. it comes back once in a while, and the intervals get shorter and shorter. it's like a suicide run. ha, good one.
anyway, i wish i'd never thought about wanting to die. maybe then i wouldn't think about it like it's such a cure-all. i mean, it is a cure-all, but in the sense that i get rid of the bad together with the good. i still want to listen to music and read fanfiction and eat nice things. it'll be such a shame if i died and couldn't do that any more, but DAMN, there wouldn't be any bad things if i died.
i wish more people would think about what death really means. then maybe more people would rethink suicide, and other people would think of suicide more. the weight of life is so so heavy. sometimes you don't want to carry it any more.
anyway.
same old, same old. i'm fucked up, my life is fucked up, everyone else is also fucked up. i need to go and desperately salvage my life and pride. how could i live without pride? i think i'd rather die, or get something else to lord over other people. it's all a penis size competition isn't it?
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