my anxiety levels are literally off the charts - off my charts, at least. i've never, ever, ever been this stressed. i can't sleep, my head hurts, my heartbeat feels like it's fucking fluttering with how fast it goes all the time, my hands shake. i ACTUALLY cannot handle this.
i can't imagine university being any worse, because i'm going to be taking humanities courses so it means no more maths anxiety. plus it's not like i have to convince a total stranger that i know my stuff. i assume my professor is more easily fooled by my knowledge or lack thereof than an impartial stranger. it's always much easier to face a person than an exam script, you know? you get more leeway. and sometimes you can straight up lie and it works.
i did some studying, i don't know how much it counts. like i said, i literally have no idea how to compare myself to others. i thought i was being a complete bum but the other day two separate people told me they took two/three days just to work on one single essay. dude?? what?? but i really, really don't know anymore. and i'm so keyed up that any opinion i have right now is probably just wrong.
maybe this level of anxiety might warrant actual medication. i don't know, i feel like it does. it's really bad. i can tell it's really bad. nothing is helping(!!) and the anxiety is basically making me effectively useless at studying.
the education system is really broken. the mode of assessment is all wrong. i hate this. i hate all of this. i mean, i literally don't have any understanding of how i measure up. i could get an A. i could fucking fail. i don't know anything and the system has done fuck all to prepare me. i wish i could tell every single school administrator that. "the system has done fuck all to prepare me for jackshit". thank you. thank you so much.
i just hate all of this. i'm looking forward to post-exam things so much, but if i fail here then i might as well not have a life. am i being melodramatic? probably. but my life is a pretty narrow road which involves getting into a good university (i.e. universities with names that everyone recognises, it's more about the brand than quality) and then getting a good job (i.e. a good salary) and if i fail here, it means that everything i've done before this is meaningless, and everything that i'll do after this just got two hundred times harder.
i can't helping feeling that a good portion of this could be significantly improved if i had a lot of money. i mean, my endgame was always money, which i could then use to make myself happy, so if i had money from the beginning then i would be like, one-fifth as stressed as i am now. i'd still want to score well for the sake of pride and recognition, but it's not like it'd have any practical impact on my life if i, you know, had money.
ugh. i just HATE all of this. in a month i'd be ten million times better, but the anxiety won't go away until i receive my results, and then receive my university offers. then it'd all go away until i have to worry about supporting myself.
speaking of supporting myself, i don't understand why other people involve their parents so much in their education choices. i mean, it's their choices, not their parents'. besides, what could their parents do to them? i don't remember my parents being involved in my education at all?? besides when i ask for their help. which i rarely did, and ever since i turned thirteen... like once, maybe? i didn't ask them when i picked my subject combination at 14, and i didn't ask them when i chose my combi again at 16, and now that i'm picking my university, i don't ask them anything either. i mean, besides finances, but i know they'll support me financially, and i could always get a loan for the parts where they can't help. i don't see why they have to be involved. it's not their choice, and their advice is outdated, plus i could always ask teachers or just email the universities.
i mean, it's just weird. but if it works for them... i guess?
my mom is like "it's a big milestone in your life!" but i'm like no? i'm just going into tertiary education, what's the difference? maybe when i get a job i'll also be like what's the difference? it's just a job. and ... to be honest... yeah, it's just a job. career advancement isn't something they can help with? i see no point in updating them on the minutiae of my life. as long they know what i'm doing, generally, which i'm not sure they actually do... um. i guess i might talk to them if i ever get married, but i won't be asking for their opinion, i'd just be informing them. and if i adopt a kid... probably wouldn't ask them either. i mean, it's so weird?? to ask your parents about everything?? since it's not their life and they don't know best anyway. and it's not like you can't divorce, or change jobs, or anything - it's not exactly permanent? a kid is different because you're taking responsibility for a life, so that's kind of permanent, but the kid will leave you someday too. i don't see why people are still so reliant on their parents' opinions when they're 18..
then again i'm probably more assured of my parents' unconditional love than others. i could be a dick to them, they could be heartily sick of me, but i don't see them ever not loving me, you know? or deliberately not caring about my welfare, or deliberately endangering me. it's a concept i don't even understand. i could trash the whole house but they wouldn't kick me out or not give me food. even if i don't speak to them for fifty years, they'd still give me money if i needed it. so i guess for people who don't feel assured of this, they'd think it's more important to obey their parents? earn their love? i guess? i still don't understand why, but whatever.
all this writing has calmed me down a little, which was what i was hoping to achieve when i started this post. so i'm off to study a little bit more, i guess. i still hate the system. just because some people are good enough to jump through all the fucking ridiculous hoops, it doesn't mean the hoops aren't still fucking ridiculous.
edit: exams ended on 25th november. am now enjoying life.
edit: exams ended on 25th november. am now enjoying life.
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