And first among them is having to submit creative writing to school.
Basically a few days ago I received an email from the student editorial club, and basically they said "please submit your work by [deadline]! :)". I rocked back and forth in terror and confusion. What was this student editorial club? Why was I receiving this suspicious email?
I checked the list of receivers, and to my surprise it seems pretty legit. I mean, some schoolmates had received it too, so I thought. Maybe. This might be an actual legit thing...?
And then I rocked back and forth in terror and confusion for another day or two before working up enough courage to send an email back, asking what the fuck was going on. Except more politely.
And then I rocked back and forth in more terror and confusion. This email meant that I had to submit a creative writing piece...? Oh dear gods above, spare me. I don't have anything about current affairs or even anything suitable for school-related things. Fanfiction...? Dirty smut...? Anything that could be quickly converted to school-friendly works?????
I checked every document I had, but uh. How do I phrase this? It was impossible. None of my writing was suitable for school at all. None of them were inspirational or optimistic or even morally upright. It all seemed to have some death or gore or same-sex sex. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the only thing I had about "current affairs" was a piece in which most of humanity died and the earth was ruined.
Again, I kind of rocked back and forth in terror and confusion, completely stressed out. I didn't want to write anything to pander to school magazines???????? I just wanted to read lots of manga and maybe meet my friends?? I didn't want anyone to read my writing!!
It was just embarrassing. I was so caught up in imagining teachers judging me that I barely even did anything about the email until the deadline date. Which is. Basically. Today.
Oh, gods above, I'm still getting the chills. Just, I just want the school to stay away from my sometimes m-rated writing?? My writing was purely for self-satisfaction! I've never aimed for social awareness or even any kind of reaction? It was all just self-indulgence so how could I show that kind of ultimate self-indulgence to teachers????????
All along I've been very careful to censor myself when I'm around adults, like writing stuff with good endings and so on. I don't even swear around them. Like, the word "fuck" doesn't even come out my mouth. It's automatic self-censorship.
I can't just let the school know that I write gay fics!?!?!! I'm so stressed out, I've never even thought about fics and school together, it makes me nauseous.
Oh, I'm getting mildly dizzy, I hate this.
Because I think I'm actually incapable of writing sufficiently high quality yet upbeat things!! I just want to kill off the characters and make everyone suffer!! (am I a good enough 's' yet)
When I write about characters being tormented it sometimes makes me giggle so there's no way in hell that I can write anything suitable for school publications!!
...deep sigh...
I am so upset right now! I don't even remember joining this student editorial club! What the hell is going on anyway?!
But.... I guess this is it for the post? I want to sob into my pillow and read more manga and basically be paralysed by the thought of the damned student editorial club and the submission of stuffs ugh (cue long drawn-out groan).
I'm suffering here!!!!!!!!!
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