12 February 2013

movies that suck: cloudy with a chance of meatballs

I like animated things. Sometimes (often) they're a lot wittier than normal movies, simply because animation isn't limited to what's feasible (within the budget). I love How to Train Your Dragon. The Rise of the Guardians is awesome too.

I did NOT love Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. In fact, I was mildly irritated by the movie, and then I started fuming because that movie just makes me angry.

So basically, we see this really intelligent kid who invents awesome things but doesn't always think it through completely. And then everyone starts laughing at him. His mom is the only one who believes in him but then she dies. And then he grows up and then his dad is always disappointed with him and he's basically the local freak.

So after a string of failed inventions, he invents this machine to turn water into food. (The city somehow only eats sardine or something, I never figured it out.) Okay, and then an accident happens, the machine is launched into the sky (and it never falls back down, despite not being built to fly) and then it starts raining food, ha ha ha.

A sexy female weather woman is sent over, and to impress her, the protagonist builds this thing to communicate with the machine and tell it what food to make. Blah blah blah the sexy female is actually really intelligent too, but stopped tying her hair up with scrunchies and wearing her spectacles because she was bullied for 'not being attractive'??

So then the machine starts mutating and the food starts getting weird and basically turns into a global disaster and now he has to stop it. Yay. Sexy female reports back to the news station but the stupid idiot disses her for looking like a nerd and just cuts her off. Male protagonist writes a 'kill code' by waving his spindly arms around. Flies up, loses kill code, calls dad to send kill code to phone...

...yes but his dad apparently doesn't know how to use any kind of technology. Very realistic, but let's move on. Weird shit happens up in the sky, dad mistakenly sends dancing cat file instead, male protagonist saves the day with old failed invention, yay.

What makes me angry is that the male protagonist is portrayed as a freak...code is portrayed as 'arm-waving magic stuff'...designing and building is portrayed as 'more arm-waving magic stuff'...and the male protagonist has a spaceship thing in his backyard! Which is apparently his lab. Ha ha ha.

This movie tried to mix lame with hilarious, but failed so badly that I can't even begin to tell you how bad it failed. I am unamused. This movie is so over stereotyped that I just want to barf all over it.

First, this movie is for kids. And you show impressionable kids that "bullying is okay, the victim is tots okay after that". And you tell kids that nerdy geeky people are freaks. Yes good one there. Very good moral education you've attempted.

And then the sexy female sidekick. I didn't know you had to tie your hair in scrunchies and wear spectacles to be an intelligent female. Actually, neither did the kids, but now they do! Nice job. /rolls eyes. The amount of stereotyping here is making me nauseous, and I'm not exaggerating. Throughout the movie I just wanted to punch the screen, and only held back because I paid a lot of money for this fragile iPad.

Scrunchies and spectacles does not make someone clever, and long blonde hair does not mean someone is stupid.

Also, we have a magic policeman in the movie, who alternatively abuses the citizens and dotes on his little boy. Also he can magic jump like a monkey. Yay for realism. Oh, did I mention that he's black? Or something. He was busy abusing the protagonist. Stereotyping. I have this urge to slap my forehead with my palm. Loudly.

Oh, and the dude at the station who disses the sexy female because she wasn't attractive enough? He's a douche and he never gets that karma back. Nope, no retribution for the rich white sexist man. Kids will learn so much from this movie.

Also, the sexy female could have just pulled off the scrunchies and spectacles. It takes like one fucking hand to do that. The point is to tell everyone about the impending disaster, surely she can sacrifice a bit of her intelligent girl pride. I mean, what's more important, remaining true to yourself or saving the world? Oh, or maybe the directors could've just NOT made a doouchebag anchorman.

God, by this point I'm so frustrated that I don't even want to think about this movie any more. There's nothing realistic about anything in this movie. No realistic reactions, even, and that's like the easiest part. Want a realistic reaction to getting hit in the face? Hit someone in the face and watch their reaction. Duh.

The entire movie feels like some tired people got together and made a movie all about stereotypes. I'm picturing a forty year old man drinking coffee and saying "I think she needs to be blonder". Yeah, kids might like it, but they learn nothing good from it. And basically no one else can enjoy such bad, unenergetic animation.

As I watched the movie, I became more and more sleepy. I could feel the creativity bleeding away. I could predict exactly what was going to happen. The characters are supposed to be intelligent but can't see solutions right in front of them.

Basically I learned that stupid people make stupid movies, and then other stupid people think that the stupid movie is great and it ends up being branded as an awesome movie because everyone is stupid.

I'm depressed and I have no faith left for the universe. Kill me now, before someone makes me watch another movies as stupid as this. I think I might be a masochist. I hate myself. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is a shitty movie and I hate the world.

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