I'll settle for this substandard excuse for a title because I'm much too tired to think.

I think, in all honesty, that I am going to simply sit down and refuse to stand up again during cca tomorrow.

This has nothing to do with how much I hate the cca (and what it stands for, and so on and so forth) or how much I desire to spite authority just for the idiocy of it. No, this observation came about because I found myself too tired to breathe.

So, when I read the announcement on the cca blog - PT! BMX, YAY! - I decided that I wouldn't push myself any more.

I'm sure that this bout of physical training obsession is a direct result of NAPFA... and its unfortunate test dates. While I do agree that it's a good idea to train your body for a physical test, I think that it's utterly insane to push your body to its limits (or your mind, what with all that mind over matter thing, but I'll skip that because my brain is starting to cry inside my skull).

Especially since I know that my test date is on the second of April. In other words, three days away. I am not confident that my muscles will agree to two torture sessions, one after another - by which I mean I hate strenuous physical activities, and my muscles hate them possibly even more than my brain does.

Bottom line: I tend to get muscle cramps when I over-exercise. I'm not exaggerating.

Another bottom line: I care a lot more for my NAPFA scores than for whatever image my cca has of me. If it gets to the point where I'm genuinely straining to keep up, I'm just going to sit down and politely decline to participate any further.

The final point is that my physical performance is inextricably linked with my mental performance. Or maybe it should be mental health, or ... I don't really know. Anyway, when I feel pressured or unhappy, I tend to get very breathless and very angry, which is obviously detrimental to my scores.

Mostly I think about the exact wording of the scathing and acerbic lecture that I would doubtlessly have given the mindless idiot if only I wasn't running on the stupid track. My energy is directed towards my brain instead of my legs and lungs, where it - again, obviously - needs to be currently.

What I mean is, I'll be pressured and unhappy. My performance on Monday will be a lot less than satisfactory, and that's going to be my score, so excuse me if I care.

So I think I'll be going offline right now in order to think about the repercussions (maybe a ripple effect?) of my actions (even though technicality I haven't done anything, but the intent is there, and I'm prepared to do it, and it's almost a given that I'm going to do that anyway, so... moot point).

Also, this post is emotionless and slightly formal and maybe even not vulgar, and this is because I'm too tired to inject any emotion into this - you do need energy to feel emotion. Right now I just feel really dry and dead and emotionally cut off from everyone else.