i think the simplest way to explain it is: my mother has no sense of boundaries and no respect for others. 

ever since i realised she's a full blown narcissist, i've started thinking about how she could seem so normal when i was younger. but here's the thing: she wasn't. 

i always remember my father carrying baby me in one arm and cooking with the other arm, after he came home from work. my mother would be at the hospital, working as a nurse. and the way she told it, she was an amazing mom for making sacrifices. 

i remember my dad buying me legos and building lego houses with me. i remember him doing puzzles with me. buying me sudoku books. teaching me electric circuits. and he was a full time phd student raising a family through grants. yet he always spent time with me, taught me things, explained things to me. 

where was my mother? who the fuck knew. i don't actually have many memories of her.  all i knew was that my dad was the smart one, the reliable one, the one with solutions. the stable parent.

and i always think my mother was more normal "back then", but she wasn't. like, we had crazy screaming matches all the time, neighbours would complain, and my mother would talk about it as if i was a demon child, like there was something wrong with ME, like everything was MY fault. ignoring how i wasn't even ten years old and as if she wasn't screaming back at me even louder. even now she'd start going at me, saying "she's been screaming ever since she was three years old" like what the fuck?? as if three year olds aren't basically ALL nurture at that point.

it does fit now that i know she's a narcissist, though. when i was a child that was cute, smart, pretty, which all added to HER status, she was nice to me. when i'm lacking, suddenly i'm worthless. she only ever considered me as a tool for her own social status.

in my teenage years, i got so sick of her that i started avoiding her. at one point after (yet another) huge argument, i resolved for a while to just ignore the batshit crazy shit she said, and just humour her. so she'd call me fat and ugly and i'd just stay silent and move away. which was what my dad had been doing for years.

but nowadays she's literally crazy. she'd start yelling at any one of us over the tiniest things. like if my she offered to heat up pizza (which i bought) for my dad, and he responded in a way that was unaccedptable to her (i.e. "it's ok i'll heat it up myself") she'd sit him down, yell at him, and insult him for hours. i listen to this shit all the time in my room because she's so loud.

she'd lecture him for hours. and she's so rude, so insulting, so belittling. she'd cuss at him, call him useless. and all the time she's spending his money, living in the house he's paying for, not even cleaning the house or raising the children who are the product of BOTH of them. 

she'd say she's the calm one, and that he's violent and abusive towards her. and 2 seconds later she'd be screaming and cussing. she'd gaslight him.

to be honest, i've seen my dad put his hands on her neck once or twice, but those times were in the midst of insane arguments where she'd just swing her arms at anything that moved. including me, who was a child. and because she wasn't discriminating in where or who she hit, and never held back her strength, i'm sure it was incredibly dangerous for me. he never actually strangled her, though. like he'd just put his hand on her neck and then back off, like he's ashamed of himself. but that's incredible self-control on his part, all things considered. my mother can goad and insult and belittle like no one i've ever seen. if i had my dad's strength, if i had to put up with this bitch going off on me every single day and not giving me a single moment of peace, all while i earn all the money AND do all the work in this fucking household, i think i would've goddamn murdered her. 

and in fact i think i've hurt her worse than he ever has. and that's because she's hurt me worse than i've ever hurt her, and i'm just talking about physically. she's hurled glass objects at my head. she's swung huge sticks at me indiscriminately. not even taking into account how she's my mother and she'd probably inflicted many times more psychological damage on me than i've ever inflicted on her.

i don't know what positive things she's ever done. like she'd act like going out to get takeaway for us was a huge sacrifice, something to be praised. meanwhile my dad and i are just glad that she's out of the house so there won't be any arguments or loud noises, and we can work from home in peace. she'd ridicule me and my dad if we asked for some silence during work hours, and proceed to NOT give us silence by watching her tv shows loudly, yet she'd get angry at us for making any (truly ANY sound, like closing a cupboard too loudly) when she's having a video call for church work. unpaid work. my dad and i are the only ones drawing a salary.

she'd act like her money was hers to spend, ignoring how she has the responsibility to provide for her 2 kids, and ignoring how her daily expenses are all on my dad's card.

it's already a long post (again) but i'm trying to say she's a narcissist, incapable of self-awareness, a hypocrite, violent, and honestly kind of stupid.

and her existence in my early life has made me overly possessive of things i consider mine (she'd take my things, go into my space), afraid of showing my cards to anyone (she'd belittle me), afraid to be emotional (she'd belittle me), afraid to trust anyone (she'd dismiss me). and i think that's why i enjoy living out of a suitcase so much. 

all my belongings assessable at a glance. my things are always with me. no one can rearrange them. also my hatred for clutter because my mother is always so scatterbrained and never knows what she has or where they are. 

it's why i spend so much time rearranging my belongings at home, and always worry about being able to haul them out quickly if there's a fire. other people display their treasured belongings. i lock them in boxes. 

just earlier today she was lecturing my dad again when i went out to look for something. i closed the cupboards too loudly a few times, so she ran over to scream and throw things at me and assault me. i'm really not making this up. she threatened to sever parental ties with me (again). i just go back into my room. later i come out again, and as i'm walking back into my room she throws something at my head. for no fucking reason. i slam the door, and immediately she's gone looking for my room key. she opens my door and starts trying to throw my stuff out because she was to throw ME out for the night.

i live with this sort of madwoman. how could i ever dare to display anything i truly care about?

i was literally in the process of moving all my important items into a storage box to put inside my closet. 

this is why i always lock my bedroom door whenever i close it. my dad knocks and waits for an answer before opening. my mother? nope. my brother has been screaming at her about this for years. she's just that entitled and just incapable of understanding the concept of boundaries. 

i just don't feel safe. because of her. except this problem she gave me now means that i can't even trust anyone else either, regardless of how nice and good they are.

i hate her so much. i just hate her so much. i wish she'd get into an accident through her terrible and reckless driving, specifically in a way that car insurance and life insurance pay out, so we'd be rid of her and also get at least something back for all the years we've had to put up with her. for all the emotional trauma she's put us through.

this bitch gave me so many goddamn problems. i have so many interpersonal relationship hang ups. i'm masking all the goddamn time. i'm exhausted, stressed, and i STILL have to deal with her shit. and i STILL have to live in fear of the next problem she'll put the family through. maybe she'll hit someone with the car and WE'LL have to pay out because she doesn't even fucking work. it does seem likely enough. she's already a terrible driver and emptying my dad's medisave because hers is more fucking empty than mine. 

god i fucking hate her.