been a friend. loved louder.

this isn't really a post but i just wanted to bring attention to this poem!! it's really great

ok so i was reading this nabari no ou fanfiction (i know, why do i torture myself so) and there was this totally rad!!!! poem interspersed throughout and i was like wow

as in "wow i am crying and can hardly see anything through the tears but goddamn if this isn't a fucking great poem"

anyway apparently this poem is an amateur poem; that is, it wasn't written by some famous established poet and was published on a site. but it's also actually quite famous and has inspired quite a few fanfictions.

anyway so here's the link.

it's called "innocence already lost" but i thought the lines "been a friend. loved louder." was wayyyy more empathetic. (anyway it made me cry the hardest. i literally started sobbing when i read it)

so anyway i replicated it here:


it wasn't snowing yet, but they'd told us it would.
probably I said something infantile, about how
I could smell it, the frostiness of snowflakes in the
air, because you smiled that knowing smile of yours, 
like you were an adult and i was a child and you 
didn't have the heart to take my innocence away.

that look always made my heart smile, sadly, and
it also drove me up a wall, partly because it made 
me want to hug you close and pity you the
burden of assumed moral superiority, and whisper
that you, too were a child. but mostly because you
were right— I clung to my naiveté while you, you
had already had the good sense to push it away.
it followed you around with sad puppy eyes, but 
you knew it and you kept it at arm's length. 
you brave, brave soul.

when it did start to snow I wasn't surprised. you 
were. you didn't say anything. we were in
a deserted school hallway, listening, removed
from the other kids' cries. we were
delighted too, but the others wanted to run home
early, and we knew the definition
of home better than they. and I can speak only for
myself but it seemed we both wanted only to stay
forever side by side, tucked away in our corner,
me reveling in the softness of love and friendship
and winter, you trying to be there with me but having
trouble leaving your mind, where that sad-eyed
puppy snapped at your heels. 
but you held your own.

and slowly, we built up moments like this one.
we wallowed in each other and in the coziness
of cloudy days. we read good poetry and 
heard good music and took photographs as we
discussed life from our  softer world.
or at least mine was.
there were moments of such pure white happiness
that they came full circle to being sad,
simply because I knew I would never be that
happy again, and I was not wrong, and I didn't
want to be. and we had
sad moments, too, never ever think I am not 
happy to be sad with you.

and slowly, too, your innocence knew its
defeat, and sat obediently at your feet, 
and we shared things. 
but I was a child, and a weak one at that, and
G-d knew I was not as strong as you so He
gave me no great suffering to speak of, to 
share with you. no way to reciprocate the
vulnerability you gave, and that in
itself was suffering for me. 

I regret that I was not good at saying things.
I couldn't share them, but I was not strong
enough to deal with them myself, so that while
you had to be your own adult and push childhood
away, I clung hopelessly to mine as
I discovered me and watched it slip
from my small hands.

among the plethora of reasons I can give for 
bitterly hating sunny days is the
way the sun slanted through the window and lit
up your eyes and swilled particles around 
your face like fairy dust on the day you reached
out and pulled my lanyard over your own neck.
look, you said, content. almost proud. 
I'm wearing a bit of you around my 
neck, and you wove it through your
sunlit fingers, eyes bright. you tugged on it,
lightly. that's what love does, it strangles
you. yet we all want it.

and I gasped at the way that word sounded, 
so harsh in such beautiful sunlight on such
a soft face. but I don't want to strangle
you. I said that. thoughtlessly, 
instinctively. I regret it every day. in that regard,
you gave me the strength to grow up and deal
with suffering of my own, albeit of a smaller
scale— you are so damn strong.

when your ache tugged and tugged at you, 
tore you from reality, or brought you closer to it, 
it slipped its finger into that lanyard knot. loosened it. 
I could have reached out right then, as you had when you
pulled the sun-soaked string over your head, and
tightened it. tightened us. been a friend.
loved louder.

you were too strong to cry outside, and I tried so
hard, too hard, to suppress the instincts of a friend. I thought what
if that's not me? and I didn't tug the knot for fear of
pulling it apart altogether. if you run. when you run,
I know that two grown dogs
will follow after you, blocked 
from the sun by your receding shadow.




and i can't stop crying over these three stanzas:

among the plethora of reasons I can give for 
bitterly hating sunny days is the
way the sun slanted through the window and lit
up your eyes and swilled particles around 
your face like fairy dust on the day you reached
out and pulled my lanyard over your own neck.
look, you said, content. almost proud. 
I'm wearing a bit of you around my 
neck (and at this point i cry lots), and you wove it through your
you. yet we all want it.you. I said that. thoughtlessly, 


sunlit fingers, eyes bright. you tugged on it,
lightly. that's what love does, it strangles

and I gasped at the way that word sounded, 
so harsh in such beautiful sunlight on such
a soft face. but I don't want to strangle
instinctively. I regret it every day. in that regard,
you gave me the strength to grow up and deal
with suffering of my own, albeit of a smaller
scale— you are so damn strong.

when your ache tugged and tugged at you, 
tore you from reality, or brought you closer to it, 
it slipped its finger into that lanyard knot. loosened it. 
I could have reached out right then, as you had when you
pulled the sun-soaked string over your head, and
tightened it. tightened us. been a friend.
loved louder. (aaand at this point i am five tissues invested)

afa2014

this isn't even going to be a cosplay post there is like NO cosplay pictures

basically this year's afa features a nico stage, the nico nico kunikaigi thing, and i just camped there for two days gaping at wonderful people

****amatsuki's and kashitaro's performances weren't streamed, also amatsuki said he doesn't want pictures of him online. idek about kashi but he was wearing a mask and seemed pretty willing to look into cameras lol. anyway dont upload amatsuki pictures. soraru made an upset post about it!!

okay so on saturday we planned on going in our kigurumis and walking around, but then jiayi was like "let's go to the kunikaigi stage" and after that i just found it so hard to leave bc utaites and odorites.

everyone was so awesome we saw gero, dasoku, arsmagna, hachiojiP, amatsuki, kashitaro, pcf, kozue, miume, root five, and yuyoyuppe. and the emcee ryouran was so cool too

wows. im still so shocked

seriously all the utaites sounded so perfect live, and the odorites are perf. just perf. and the djs are wonderful i love hachioji and yuyoyuppe.

saturday pictures are kind of from a weird angle because i was like behind two rows of tall people. some pictures also have like hands bc some people are tall.

i was going to type out all of what happened but when i think about it i start shaking a little im so happy

arsmagna is the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i actually think, like, like i have issues i love hachiojiP so much he is so good 

awwww man yesss

im crying hachiojiP is perf

[insert amatsuki photo but ama's shy or something or has work idek
this boy is 10/10 all over
he has nothing to worry about
everyone will fall over themselves to make him happy]

and this is kashi, and jiayi is so crazy over him
actually i am too

so jiayi got to see his whole unobscured face in its entirety
bc she waited outside the holding room for him
an hour longer than the rest of us on sunday

she says he looks wonderful. i concur

mmmmmm

and this is tadanon wowee i rly love tadanon too ugh my life wow

and look at miume pls wow

wow

have u accepted miume as ur lord and saviour
bci have
miume step on me

/gross sobbing

/more gross sobbing

i cant even believe i got to see her in the flesh for two years running

and this is the root five segment
note pokota's hands
he is very touchy-feely i love it

he's a manly manly man 

when he doesn't smile he's so intimidating but when he smiles
my heart is like boomz bye

anyway so on sunday i went over like half an hour before the convention doors open, hoping to be one of the first ones in so that i can be at the very front

and guess what there was already a long line that stretched down to the floor below. incredible. and when we went over to the kunikaigi stage there was already a group of girls at the front. incredible!! it's like an hour before the first kunikaigi event wtf. anyway they were rly rude. but the group of people behind us were super polite they didnt push or anything they even left a space.

seriously like when mike left for a while (but her bag was there) i told them "you can just stand there i dont think she's coming back" and then afterwards they asked "is she back" and then when i nodded they just moved!! back!! wow!! so nice

im so excited about sunday. i bought like two litres of water. and went for one single toilet break lol. and all i ate was an onigiri. and i jumped around and waved my arms for the whole day basically and now my calves are killing me

but!!!!!! so worth it!!!!!!!!

i touched hachiojiP and bouto and tadanon and ryouran wow most of them really like this side of the stage it was awesome

and like they sometimes smile and cant stop smiling bc they're so happy and my heart is like BYE im gonna die. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

anyway afterwards i got a photo with yuyoyuppe and hachiojiP and miume and ryouran. and we waved to lots of them as they left wwww they're all so cute and nice. and i got hachiojiP to sign my ticket too im gonna keep it somewhere where no one can ever touch it 

yeah anyway they're all super nice 

yuyoyuppe and ryouran grasped the fans' hands with both hands lol and bowed and it was so nice and their hands were so warm omfg. and i kind of forgot to let go of yuyoyuppe's hand so of course he didnt let go either and we ended up bowing to each other like four five times lol. yuyoyuppe is SO nice seriously

i think im going to die of heart failure im so happy just thinking about it

jiayi got amatsuki and kashitaro to sign her phone lolololol

amatsuki was like "omg really but it's your phone?!" apparently. but like tons of other people have asked kashi to sign their phones so he was like "ok". and they're really nice too wwww

kill me omfg

anyway sunday pictures were taken from a better angle and with a better camera. i managed to be at the very front wwww but apparently the livestream camera caught us a lot of times holy shit how embarrassing

ok so the pics have inconsistent lighting because stage lights...i tried to correct them but i think i failed lol

ok so this is jiayi's phone with amatsuki's and kashi's signatures

and this is jiayi

and this is a picture of me and phoebs having fun at the photobooth lol

arsmagna signed this like it's literally their signatures not printed
if u dont believe me you can check their blogs and stuff

do you see that?? the camera?? that's the live videofeed and and
holy shit he keeps blocking my view smh
arsmagna is holy and all that so stop blocking me!!!!!!

this is me holding the ticket that hachiojiP just signed wwwww omfg

this is mike kissing the ticket that hachiojiP signed
by the way she was totally embarrassing she asked shuxien to teach her how to say
"please sign this" and shuxien was all "sign moratte ii?"
and mike said it REALLY Loudly to hachi sighs

im crying they are so perf

look at the shape of that ass
no wonder tatsuki is all dokidoki

and speaking of that tatsuki was so incredibly cute
kept waving and smiling and bowing to this side of the stage
i think he looked straight at me bc i was holding the huge ass camera
but i didn't manage to catch it bc i was too busy having eye contact with him lmao
im trash

and this is kozue! still awesome

there's michan and kettaro

kettaro became super manly with muscles wwww
but we know you're a big softie deep inside, kett-chan

and here is kashi wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

AND HE KEPT LOOKING OVER TOO
i think i might die

ikemen levels are so high nowadays

i dont think i can survive any more eye contact with this precious baby

ugh. unf. wow i want to touch him 

/gross sobbing
he kept smiling like he couldn't stop bc he was so happy and stuffs
which made me really happy
i was really dizzy when he was on stage bc i was a bit delirious with happiness
jiayi is even worse than me lololololol

[again i took away the amatsuki photo
but this was my original caption:
and this is amatsuki!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this pretty boy makes me want to cry. like really

im so messed up inside because of him

he is ikemen so ikemen like level 999999 ikemen

he came so close /sobs]

this is hachiojiP
he stood on a table because he was excited and hyped
god he's so precious he must be protected

/gross sobbing hachiojiP is so good
and so cute

and he's having fun??? like
omfg so precious

anyway mike said he stood on the table because he felt the need to one-up yuyoyuppeP
yuyoyuppe did some dance thing earlier in the morning
lmao

hachi had a nyan craze and did the cat ears hand motion
bUT all my pictures were blurry bc like hell i would miss seeing it in high def with my own eyes
but im sure it's on youtube somewhere

oh miume. oh miume. 

aaaaaaaand miume is looking over here!! actually it's because there's a crazy fan behind us
who shouted "miume!!! miume" so she looked over
but inevitably her eyes were drawn to the huge ass camera

ugh miume step on me

and this is yuyoyuppe i never know how to pronounce his name
and he is INCREDIBLY NICE

heh and this is tadanon being a huge ass derp
no one knows what he's thinking when he has his sunglasses on but he's super cute without them
tandanon knelt on stage to receive a "moe moe kyun" power-up from a meido
i have never wanted to be someone else this badly

so that's the end of my afa14 post

i've been having withdrawal for the past however many days

other nico people i wish would attend afa next year:

mafumafu

isubokuro

melochin

slh family

i dont want to be greedy. but i am very greedy. and desperate

desperately waiting for next year's afa bye im trash

****if u are desperate for photos i can give u the link to download them

but u gotta give me your email
send me an ask on tumblr or something

5: you want someone to see

1: there are no sudden realisations and there are no happy-ever-afters and we all know that. life doesn't change much at all from one second to the next, and though you try to catch yourself metamorphosising from one person to another you never manage it, and you spend the rest of your life wondering when you'll become the butterfly that everyone seems convinced you are.

2: it's hard to capture this zeitgeist, this peculiar feeling of everything floating and momentary and ephemeral. it's a special coldness and loneliness that only happens when everyone is so close and so far, contactable if you wanted to but it's harder than ever to say something. anything. you breathe and it's gone.

3: and if you look around it seems as if everyone else is fine, it's like you're in a disconnect custom made for one, drifting. and if anyone reveals their own disconnect it's an incomprehensible surprise to you. you want to be closer and further away, but the shared ice of the disconnect is a sea deeper and wider than any sea on the map.

4: you let time pass like cotton candy in your mouth; you hate the world because it's not perfect.


---

i do like this one so here's a 2020 edit:

1: there are no sudden realisations and there are no happy-ever-afters and we all know that. life doesn't change much at all from one second to the next, and though you try to catch yourself metamorphosising from one person to another, you never manage it. you spend the rest of your life wondering when you'll become the butterfly that everyone seems convinced that you are.

2: it's hard to capture this zeitgeist, this peculiar feeling of everything floating and momentary and ephemeral. it's a special loneliness that only happens when everyone is so close and so far, so hard to say something. anything. you breathe and it's gone.

3: and if you look around it seems as if everyone else is fine, it's like you're in a disconnect custom made for one, drifting. when others reveal their own disconnect it's an incomprehensible surprise to you. you want to be closer and further away, but the shared ice of the disconnect is a sea deeper and wider than any on the map.

4: you let time pass like cotton candy in your mouth; you hate the world because it's not perfect.

no, do not.

there are so many things to do and none of them are going as well as i would've liked and some of them aren't even my problems

i am busy and stressed

and i keep doing these things because i have to

at this point i feel that this deadened version of me would go to project meetings with a bullet wound and only roll my eyes at the excruciating pain because i don't have the capacity to feel any emotion more intense than mild irritation

it's like an 'ugh' feeling except 24/7 and you want to roll your eyes but that's too much effort and besides there are things to be done

school makes you hate things that you used to enjoy. stop trying to grade life, you useless cretins. 

world literacy day

apparently world literacy day is sept 8, so even though im late, im gonna pick a few books to celebrate it.

quick story - because i read a lot, once i borrowed a whole bunch of books from the library only to realise that i've read most of them. so now i try to keep a list of books i've read so i don't make the same mistake. let me tell you there's nothing more disappointing than anticipating a good read and finding out that there's nothing to enjoy. i do reread my favourite ones a lot though.

book recs:

1. the lies of locke lamora, scott lynch. and the sequel red seas under red skies. and there's a third one due sometime later.

wow this book is gold. i enjoyed basically every second of this, and thinking about it now just makes me ridiculously happy. at no point did i pause and think "what a terrible choice incongruent with your previous choices" or "because you're incapable of complex emotions apparently". i don't feel "iffy" about any part of the book(s). please read them. 

locke lamora is a fucking bastard but it's good to know that he has a little bit of morals i guess. (i'd prefer a totally amoral protagonist but i guess that doesn't fly well with censors and editors) locke lamora is wonderful and i wouldn't read it out in public because i'd end up laughing to myself. probably get institutionalised to boot.

2. warm bodies, isaac marion

everyone's heard about the stupid movie but no one seems very inclined to read the book. i read the book after watching half of a bootleg version of the movie at the hospital waiting for something or another. and let me tell you. wow. 

the movie's fine, but nothing spectacular. good cinematography. good actors. (pretty hot actually) but the book is way better. i advise you to watch a bit of the movie before reading the book because it fleshes out the narrator (and makes him a lot hotter). the first half of the movie sticks really close to the book and i appreciate that, but the second half diverges so much that i think the first half was just making up for the second half's deficiency. 

just read the book okay it's ten million times more alluring. good stuff. 

3. ready player one, ernest cline

i think there was some hype about this book (or a lot, maybe) but it's not as well known as certain other books (cough cough) and i feel it really SHOULD be more well known. it's really intriguing. the research is wow. the atmosphere wow. it doesn't really go the traditional tech-obsessed dystopian future route, or the underprivileged but clever protagonist hacker route. 

i felt a bit lost sometimes but i think that's because i am too '97 to properly appreciate the references. i have heard a lot of good things about the references in this book. a lot. please read this.

4. horns, joe hill

this book is actually getting a movie this year, starring daniel radcliffe. i don't really have high hopes. i am pretty much expecting good entertainment but little else. i'll watch it though, because this book is just that good. joe hill did endorse dan's portrayal of the protagonist, so ...eh, we'll see.

little nugget: joe hill is the pseudonym of stephen king's SON. i found this after devouring horns and desperately searching for more of his works. wowee. this book. wowee. 

starts off a little dark. confusing (because the narrator is confused). and funny. then it drives off the road without you noticing and suddenly it's not fun and games and nowhere near kansas. this book is intense!! i love it. it's about the "devil" story like how maleficent is about the "sleeping beauty" story. except like a whole lot less heartwarming and more realistically charming. i think charming is a little too bright and sunshiny to properly describe the feel of this book, but i guess it'll do. 

5. battle royale, takami koushun

this is classic, you can't go without reading it. the better, grittier, stripped down, hardcore version of hunger games (which is two million percent overhyped because it's really only the first book that's any good. i gave it 3 on my booklist for entertainment value. don't even read the second and third books). 

battle royale is not adventure-style but more survival-style. the only way it can get more hardcore is going the sexual depravity route a la murakami ryu. but it's about kids so i guess that might not fly. especially since it's a kind of old book back when mainstream media didn't celebrate artistic sex and gore.

watch the movie too. it's also really old. not that classic, but it really cements the setting of the book. 

6. the girl next door, jack ketchum

very gory, really triggering (abuse). very emotional. this book made me feel so sick that i finished it in a single afternoon. it's like... it's like the whole 9/11 thing, it's horrific and terrible and you wish it never happened but you have to know all about it.

you just need to read this, it's significant. it helps you understand a lot about people. 

7. the nightrunner series, lynn flewelling

there are six books: luck in the shadows, stalking darkness, traitor's moon, shadow's return, the white road, casket of souls. bonus short: glimpses (where they have a bit of sex, if i remember)

basically the two protagonists are really cool. also really gay. but there's nothing in the books except like maybe a chaste kiss. kind of disappointing for me, because i was hoping for a whole lot more, but glimpses did the job. anyway, there's fantastic worldbuilding and chararcterisation. feels a bit like fanfiction precisely BECAUSE of how much thought and consideration had been put into it. flewelling loves this series you can feel it. 

every book is good. fantastic portrayal. emotional connection. everything. just read it. adventure-style.

8. codex alera series, jim butcher

jim butcher also wrote the dresden files. i've read fourteen books of the dresden files but it just doesn't have the same kick as codex alera. dresden files are entertaining and a good adventure but it feels mediocre and very typically adult novel. (i don't think highly of most adult novel because it's mainly woman with mysterious past! dark handsome cop also with mysterious past! someone dies...what now?? watch sexy cop and sexy girlfriend to find out! if you've read one you've read them all. not that all adult novels are trash. just a lot of them. probably because it's supposed to appeal to boring peole with ingrained gender stereotypes and an inability to think outside the binary) 

codex alera's protagonist is a kid, and we watch him grow up. the premise sounds very typical adventure-style for boys, but the book explores it pretty deeply. it's actually pretty complex and has a bit (a lot) of political manoeuvring. great worldbuilding. i'm afraid that if i day any more i'd spoil the series, but trust me. you'll like this one.

8. some psychology and non-fiction books, for variety

the social animal, david brooks

the wisdom of psychopaths, kevin dutton

the psychopath test, jon ronson (also the men who stare at goats, lost at sea)

spy the lie, philip houston, michael floyd, susan carnicero

blink, malcolm gladwell

the man who mistook his wife for a hat, oliver sacks

master of deception, michele slatella

kingpin, kevin poulson

dubiously..... confessions of a psychopath, m. e. thomas

it's probably true i guess? you can see how she exhibits psychopathic behaviour traits while talking about them. a good study.

let me tell you what's awesome

this song is awesome. this video is also kooky and awesome.

this tea that i bought today is also awesome.

the teabag is fucking triangular how much more rad can this get